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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I am a single mother of a 14 year old adoped girl. Until

Customer Question

Hello, I am a single mother of a 14 year old adoped girl. Until a few months ago everything went just grade. Then she met a new friend whom she was admiring. In order to "guarantee" her friendship, my daughter started to lie about all kinds of imaginary sicknesses, etc. However, when the girl found out, she told the others and now my daughter has remained without friends. In addition, this changed her entire behavior .She stopped learning, no help at home, she does not want to spend anytime with me, her answers are short, usually one word, if there is an answer. I do not know how to react and what to do? Thank you,
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Rafael Morales Toia :

From your description of what happened, you daughter seems to have felt overwhelmed by this situation. She was willing to lie in order to please and gain this person’s trust and friendship, and once she found out and told others about it, things just got worse. It could be traumatic for her and thus pushed her into depression. The changes you have described match that.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Pushing her to talk would not help but it does not mean she does not need your support, caring and affection, she is just feeling very vulnerable, frustrated, sad and lonely. She was longing to get this new especial friend and ended up with none. That is very frustrating, even more at her age where sense of self-worthiness, esteem and everything in a person’s personality is developing so powerfully.

Rafael Morales Toia :

You need to gently but consistently do your best to take her away from her isolation, through suggesting, initiating, promoting and supporting any sharing and activities that could help her feel and be better. You know your child, so use such understanding of her strengths and weakness to support her during this grieving process she in enduring. Be affectionate but keep good boundaries and discipline too for her to continue respecting the rules and responsibilities she has at home and at school. She should not avoid them but be accountable and get your support as necessary, not in a codependent way but in a healthy fashion.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Try to share as much as you can together and go outdoors, share with relatives, neighbors and for her to do whatever healthy and enjoyable she can to feel better and cope more effectively with what happened.



If after a while you see no significant progress but further deterioration of her mood and functioning, at school and at home regardless the support you offer, then you would need to get professional counseling support for her to work on the issues originated or triggered by this experience.



Hope it helps.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Sorry I did not read she was already getting counseling support.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Therapy must be adjusted to the concrete needs and personality of each client, instead of pushing the client to adjust to a specific approach or intervention. For a professional to tell you it’s going to take a whole year for therapy to be completed is not realistic nor practical. It does not mean that therapy could take that long, but its results and benefits should and could not wait that long.

Rafael Morales Toia :

I do recommend having collateral session between you and her therapist as possible and family sessions for you to work together on how to support her the best.

Rafael Morales Toia :

If therapy does not happen to work for her because of the approach or interventions not matching her needs, and therapist cannot make necessary changes and adjustments, then a referral must be made or you would need to look for another professional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

Hello there, may I help you?

 

Having read your situation your daughter seems to have been very insecure and so eager to be accepted that she felt the need to lie in order to be accepted. Children can be very cruel and it seems that your daughter has been the brunt of this due to her lying. She is probably feeling very rejected and unhappy right now and the prospect of having to face these unkind taunts daily can be daunting for any child.

 

She needs time and patients from you, if there is a child she is friendly with out of school perhaps that friendship could be encouraged, if there is someone at school could they come for tea, have a special outing at the weekend together, a gentle encouragement to allow a friendship to bloom without pushing a situation.

 

Another point is to reassure her that tings will get better and let her know you are always there for her to talk to if she needs you. It may be worth talking to the school so they are aware of the situation and can perhaps encourage friendships to develop.

 

Perhaps also allow her to choose a special weekend outing for the family, strengthening confidence, lifting her mood and enabling her to feel emotionally secure and strong to deal with the situation at school.

 

The most important thing you as a parent can do is to remain calm and try to be patient with her. I hope this is of use to you, please accept if you are happy with the answer.

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