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professional_Alison
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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help with 8 year old son excepting my new boyfriend.

Customer Question

help with 8 year old son excepting my new boyfriend.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  LicensedTherapist replied 2 years ago.
Hi there- I'm not sure if he's already met your boyfriend or whether he will meet your boyfriend. Here are some tips:

1) have them do an activity that you know your son enjoys.
2) tell your boyfriend to get him a small gift that you know he would like
3) make sure that your son is fed and not too tired before they meet so that your boyfriend can have the greatest chance of success.
4) Make the meetings short (an hour or two) and make sure that they are child-centered rather than you two spending time and then the child is around. Go to the park, play a game, or do something your son enjoys rather than doing something mommy enjoys and your son has to trail along.
5) Give it time for him to like him. It's great if it happens right away, but most likely it wont. So just keep having the three of you do fun things together once or twice a week.
6) Make sure you and your son spend good quality time just the two of you so that he wont feel like the boyfriend is taking away time from mommy-son time. Do something extra special with him so that he does not feel abandoned by you.
7) Sit down and talk to your son about what it means that you have a boyfriend. Tell him (in an age-appropriate way) that you like this man and you hope he likes him too. If his father is in the picture, talk to him about his father. If his father is not in the picture, let your son ask questions about his father if he wants to talk about that now. Ask your son if he has questions about what it means that you have a boyfriend.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any further questions. Please click the green accept answer button if I have helped you. Good luck to you and your family.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for response. Think I need to be a little more specific, its my first time using this service!! I have now been dating my boyfriend for 9 months. Generally they get on very well and my boyfriend invests a lot of time with my son.... Think the problem is sharing him with me. I think my son believes he's the man of house, His father and I have been divorced for 3 years and as an only child he hasn't had to share me with siblings or a partner. My son's behaviour is great at school and for my friends, which is great but, he is generally very testing and argumentative with me if he doesnt get his own way!! His father has remarried and lives aboard and my son excepts he has a new family and step children, yet he doesn't want to do the same for me!! I am feeling very worn down!!!
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
Hello there, may I help you?
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

Having read your update it seems your son if feeling insecure about there being a new man around the house, he feels his position with you is threatened. Maybe your son is thinking that if his Dad has found a new family and step children that the same may happen to you and he wont feel a valuable part of the family.

 

Make sure that you still have time with your son just the two of you as well as with your new partner, and most importantly talk to him about what he is feeling, explain the importance of him as your son and how no-one will ever replace him.

 

Also explain the positives of having another male around the house, playing football, computer games together, holidays, days out etc.

 

With regard to his behavior I think this may be a strong willed 8 year old standing his ground, and you should continue to discipline as normal and do not allow him to manipulate you using the situation of the new partner which you know he is sensitive about. I hope this helps you. Please click accept if you are happy with my answer.

Expert:  LicensedTherapist replied 2 years ago.
I agree with Alison. Basically, you're completely right that he's had you all to himself and now he has to share you. Plus It's essential that you make it clear to him that he is your first priority and that you love him so much and how no one will ever replace him. Explain what you having a boyfriend means. As for his discipline, this is another issue. It sounds like he is calling the shots rather than you are. Here are some child behavior tips. I would recommend working with a child psychologist or an applied behavioral analyst if his behavior gets too much for you to handle:

1) praise praise praise. Most kids misbehave for attention (even negative attention), so if he gets lots of attention for good deeds and no attention for negative deeds, then he will less likely misbehave.
2) ignore bad behavior. If it's really bad, put him in time out, but don't give him a whole conversation about what he did and why you're upset. Say it in a sentence, put him in time out, and then when he's done with time out, you can tell him that you want him to apologize and you can explain why what he did was bad. The number of minutes for time out = his age.
3) Be consistent. If you give him time out one time for something, give it to him another time for the same action.
4) Don't negotiate with him.
5) Establish rules with him. Tell him what the rules are so that he knows when he breaks them.

LIke i said, if these simple techniques don't work, I'd enlist the help of a child specialist to help you with rules, behavior, and boundaries.

I hope this helps. Please click the green accept answer button if you are satisfied with my answers.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
please feel free to PM me if I can help you further.
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience: Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare