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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My son will not do his homework and studying at school, he

Customer Question

My son will not do his homework and studying at school, he is in year 13 doing maths, physics and business studies.

He has a good personality, he is knowledgeable and he can turn his hand to most things.

I do not feel the school has tried with him, they just say he is lazy.

He has been accepted to some great universities to do engineering, but the way he is going he will not get the grades and if this is anything to go by he is not going to do any work when he gets there.

He just seems to have got worse over the past few years.

His father and I divorced when he was 8 and although he sees his father regularly his father does not organize to see him or take him for the weekend (when he was younger)

He is very normal as far as his social life is concerned. He likes girls and has gone out with some, but has not really had and serious girlfriend as yet. He goes out with his friends and they do the normal things. He does not have and drink or drug problems.
All his family think he is a great person, he is my only child.

I just feel there is more wrong than just lazyness but I do not know what to do about it.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for contacting JUst Answer. I am sorry to hear about your son's problems.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
You have raised several issues that are of concern but before I answer I would like to know his age --- it was not cllear to me.Is he in year 13 of school? Then how old is he. That will make a big difference about what I suggest.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He is 18 years old
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Sorry, I just typed a very long response and it was lost. I'll try again.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
However, until I hear from you, let me explain a concept to you. First, let me tell you that I am a psychoanalyst ( which means that in addition to a PhD in psychology I have another 10 plus years of training) and understand very well what you are talking about. I deal with these issues everyday in my practice. By that I mean there is a concept that I will try briefly to explain to you, that as a psychoanalyst, I need to deal with all the time. Let me explain. All of us --- you, me, your friends, everybody repeats their past. We internalize what went on when we are young and then merely repeat symbolically, if not literally what happened when we were growing up. If it was a good past --- then no problem. We are repeating a good past. However when the past was not good we repeat that too. We do not have the capacity to not repeat the past. The theory behind that is we keep repeating the "trauma" --- problem --- over and over again with the hope that we master the problem. But low and behold we keep repeating and never resolve the problem. So, you might ask, what should I do? None of us is capable of changing how our past influences the present.All of us try to change the trauma --- problems we have experienced as children but low and behold, we merely repeat the past over and over with the hope of changing things but nothing ever changes.
So you mentioned that you were divorced when your son was 8 years old. I will quote you, "His father and I divorced when he was 8 and although he sees his father regularly his father does not organize to see him or take him for the weekend (when he was younger)". That may very well have had a traumatic effect on him. A boy makes an identification with one's father and so the behaviour of his father, when he was young, may have had a negative effect on him. Also, I don't know his age, so it's hard to say, but you'll let me know that and I will go further based on his age of what to do. I will say this --- when kids --- children and adolescents --- are troubled they are not going to sit down and talk to you they will act out --- like what your son is doing --- not doing his school work, for example. Punishing him will not do it.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Phew! There is the response. I do know his age now. I think it would help if he saw a therapist. He will work through his unconscious or maybe conscious (I don't know) conflicts around the issue of his dad.
If you tell me where you live --- city and postal code, I'll help you find someone.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have always felt that his fathers behaviour towards him has had an effect on him, but as you can imagine he swears blind that it is not the case. If he sees somebody, will I be allowed to know what is going on or what they feel the problems are, I feel I want to help him, and because of his age now(18) I do not have any right.

My post code is RH19 4LR
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Usually, they will not tell you very much unless they have your son's permission. Unfortunate, isn't it. Your son may very well deny the effect his father's behaviour had on him but that doesn't mean it didn't have an effect on him. If the therapist is skilled s/he will be able to help him get there and work things out.

Let me give you a link to the British Psychoanalytic. Contact them and ask them for a referral.
A therapist who has postgraduate training is very skilled and will certainly be able to help you move past this point and therefore help you live a fullfilling life.
So here is the link to the British Psychoanalytic. All people who are eligible to become members of the British Psychoanalytic are qualified to help him. If he cannot afford a full fee, he should ask them to provide someone who is in training(They are very well supervised by senior supervising members) so that he can see someone for a low fee if need be. Those in Training still have more training than if he chooses a therapist who is not a member.
Anyone with a membership at the British Psychoanalytic, has, as I have said, the right kind of training to dig deep into his unconscious and help him work through his unconscious conflicts that create the problems for him.

http://www.psychoanalysis.org.uk/

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
You are always welcome to continue with our chat even though you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to answer.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

Hello there, may I help you?

 

Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

It can often be the case that at this difficult age a child can lose interest at school and although we as parents and educators can see the benefits and importance of study,it can take a back seat so to speak to the child.

 

Rather than punishment positive reinforcement can help to persuade the child to complete the essential study required. If they complete there homework one week, they can look forward to a trip to the cinema at the weekend for example. Or if they are saving for something specific an offer of some money towards it weekly on completion of homwork can be a great incentive.

 

With regards to his Father although it may be an under lying problem I am not convinced it is a reason for not doing work at school and home.

 

This seems to be a teenage phase where school and work take a back seat in there lives. It is important not to put too much negative emphasize on that face he isn't doing it but to encourage and praise the work he has done. To build confidence and a desire to complete the work.

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