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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Hi i am writing this out of total frustration. i have been

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Hi

i am writing this out of total frustration. i have been with my boyfriend for approx 3 years. he is 14 years older than me, i am 34. he has two teenagers from his previous marriage, a girl 13, and a boy 15. we bought a home together 7 months ago and the kids are with us approx 6 nights out of 14. they live 2 blocks away.

this is my first experience with teenagers other than myself being one many years ago. and a pain in the butt i was for my mom. i have a new appreciation for her and tell her all the time.

the kids are typical teens. the 13 yr old started her period within the past year, she is growing into a little woman and has the most wonderful mood swings. sometimes she's the lovely little girl she always was and other days I've nicknamed her the beast. her father is having a hard time dealing with this and things can get intense when he is at the end of his rope talking with the beast.

the son, is a typical 15 year old, he is destined to hang out with the cool kids. he has been caught smoking pot a million times, just about got expelled from private school two weeks ago for a practical joke, and continually tells lies about where he is going and what he is doing. today he was suppose to be leaving for the country with a friend to go snowboarding as its spring break and instead his dad caught him hanging out at his moms home, who is away with daughter, smoking pot with his best friend.

the problem is all of this is weighing me down. i hate it. every week its something else. i don't like to be around it because it takes it toll. i have a hard enough time trying to keep my head positive. i don't want my boyfriend to be caught in the middle. he knows how i feel and i just do my best to stay out of the way. i wish these kids weren't so self absorbed that they could realize that they are putting a strain on their relationship first with their father and second on the relationship we have.

advice please!!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. I am deeply sorry to hear about your difficulties. What has your boyfriend expressed to you about the situation? Does your boyfriend enforce consequences? Do the teens have rules and consequences at their mom's house? Thanks!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
the kids have lived a privileged life indeed. my boyfriend was always the bad cop and the mom was always wanting to talk things through instead of following through on consequences. the son was grounded for 1 month after the incident of nearly being expelled. its the first time its ever been carried out to completion. he still gets the privilege of a tuition of 18000$ a cell phone paid every month plus whatever.

so short answer consequences are just becoming a part of his life. his father is french and the son is english. my boyfriend has always had an english relationship with his son but when they fight i can hear his son manipulating his father saying he doesn't make sense. its all very frustrating to listen to.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
So basically the children are in control? Does your boyfriend seem to be afraid of his son? How long have the parents been divorced? Why did they divorce? I will give this some detailed thought as I receive your answer and then reply. Hang in there. Stay encouraged!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yes i think it is fair to say the children are in control. my boyfriend is in no way scared of his son..i call my boyfriend the bulldog. the parents have been split for 3 years but not yet divorced. they split because there was no love left in the marriage. friends but not lovers. my boyfriend has always had a short fuse and his wife has always been the over compensator of the opposite. never wanting the children to be upset.

i can see how hard my boyfriend is trying to be a better dad. talking and listening and being patient and not flipping out to the best of his ability. and i know i keep him a lot more calm about the kids. i remember what it was like to be a teen from a divorced family.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
I will respond after a careful analysis of all of the details that you have provided. I will provide you with some thoughts and suggestions. :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i know i am asking the impossible. every time some new problem arises with them i just feel like moving out. I'm not sure there is much else to do. i can't keep avoiding my own home because of teenagers behaviour.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
I am back online now. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Dealing with the moods and emotions of a teen ager can be very aggravating and frustrating. If you want to continue the relationship with your boyfriend, you must be accepting of his children. He seems to be the disciplinarian of the family which is a good thing. The daughter seems to be manifesting the typical mood swings of a teen in puberty. She is probably overly dramatic one minute and then very peaceful the next. Try to spend some quality time with just you and the daughter to see if you can understand her emotions better. You can even help her learn how to manage her emotions and the appropriate ways to respond to trying times. Children must be taught even into the teen age years. However, the son is overstepping many boundaries and does not seem to care. It sounds like he is headed down the wrong path and the family may need to place him in a boot camp/ boarding school to help him shape up since they seem like they have the financial resources to do so. Nonetheless, the divorce is probably very hard on the kids. They seem to be stuck in the middle. They may feel resentful that you are taking the place of their mom. If they have not had any type of counseling, that might help them with the divorce and coming to terms with their feelings about the divorce, relationship with you, as well as their disobedient behavior.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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