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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
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I am having problems with my 14 year old daughter she has been

Customer Question

I am having problems with my 14 year old daughter she has been angry and not communicating with me for the last 3 weeks she has been verbaly abusive. Today she got suspended from school for trying to get the lunch room teachers attention by tossing a water bottle at her foot. She has always had good grades is very active in sports. She has however left a group of friends that she was always with and moved to a new social circle
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. I am sorry to near bout the problems with your daughter. Are you the mom or dad? Are both parents in the home? Has she ever acted this way before? Do you have any idea why she left her former group of friends? What is her new circle of friends like? Thank you in advance for your responses.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Hello,

If you are still looking for help with your answer, I would be glad to be of assistance.

 

Parenting has its ups and downs and it certainly sounds that you are in one of those tough places with your daughter. At 14 years old there are lots of things changing within her and outside her. School work, sports, and friendships can all put tremendous pressure on a youngster. Still...a 3 week period of this attitude is likely putting you over the edge.

 

I would strongly encourage you to get the following parenting book:

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

 

It is the best parenting program out there...easy to read, easy to use. Simple - straightforward.

 

If you go to their website - there are many helpful tips.

 

Since your daughter has changed friends, has been disruptive in school...and then the sports issue - there is definately something going on here. And...this is the time to open up communication rather than shutting it down.

 

I know your first instinct is to punish her by taking away cell and computer assess and to push for am explanation of what happened at school. However..that did not work...and instead you get more hostility and anger. So...would you be willing to change tactics here?

 

My experience tells me that what she needs is compassion and understanding not punishment. She already is in pain - hurting for some reason that you don't know about.

 

Because sports is an avenue to good self-esteem...I would encourage you to help her with the try outs. Call the coach - explain the situation - ask that he/she please consider allowing her to try out. Taking away this part of her identity and this source of self-worth is only going to prolong the pain and misery that she is feeling. She needs to hear that you are on her side...that you have her back. Sure ... she made a mistake in the lunch room..but that "sin" does not equal the consequences of not playing on the team. Believe me...I have been in this same situation many times and the cost of not helping her will leave you regretting this action.

 

So...again...call the coach. Show your daughter that you truly love and care for her. Then...you will have an opportunity to say...okay I helped you with the try out...now help me understand what is happening that has you angry, upset, and in such a bad way.

 

See...by your taking the high road here and helping her...you are opening the door so that she can tell you what is the matter.

 

I hope you find this helpful. Certainly I am offering you a different approach...and from years and years of experience working with kids and parents, I know that this can be successful for you.

 

 

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Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist