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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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A woman who had been the bread winner for her home for about 7 years o

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A woman who had been the bread winner for her home for about 7 years out of the ten and a half years of marriage had an opportunity to go for her PhD overseas. The husband did not say anything for close to 10 months, but a few weeks to the time she would be travelling, he declined and said she was not going after the poor woman had paid two instalments out of six for her tuition. But because of her home and secured job she opted for online distance learning even though this has never been done before in the faculty of built environment of the school, considering the laboratory testings that would be involved. But she was able to convince them and the school asked her to come in for at least 6 months residency after which she would continue online. Rather than the man seeing reason with her, he picked up a fight not minding the whooping sum that she had already paid (a little less than a million naira). He refused to listen to pleas from people and his brother later came to take him away from the home that the family does not want the wife to kill him and that she should forget all about him as he was taking him 'home' where he belonged and he husband followed.
The woman did not set her eyes on him for close to two weeks before she travelled and she then made an arrangement for the two children to stay with her sister and they both spend close to N200,000.00 to relocate the children in another school. This means getting them new books, uniforms etc. But the man came up a month later asking for t he custody of the boys. He went to the Police saying he was denied access and that the welfare of the children was at stake. The Police carried out their investigations, went to where the children are and saw that they were doing great. But then, he went again to a juvenile court asking for custody of the children but the fact remains that he does not have the wherewithal to take care of them; both in cash and in kind. This woman does virtually everything for him. And the fact that all the money she has paid for their schooling for the two terms before her arrival back home would be wasted while he might not have enough to put them in school.
Kindly advice on what the woman should do. Thank you.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

KansasTherapist :

hello

KansasTherapist :

Can you tell me what country this is happening in?

Customer :

hi,

Customer :

Nigeria

KansasTherapist :

It sounds as though the woman made some good decisions for herself and her children.

KansasTherapist :

Why doesn't the husband work?

Customer :

Seems so

Customer :

the husband actually said he could not work for anyone but would rather do business and was into business for about two years befor it crashed and ever since then, this woman had been there for him in terms of finances becausee she has a good job. she has even gone to the extent of borrowing money from cooperatives in her place of work for him which he mismanaged

KansasTherapist :

Does she want to stay with her husband or is she ready for divorce?

Customer :

Well, as it is now, the man had done a lot of horrible things to her siblings such as locking her only brother up for kidnapping; that was the case with the Police and he had been proven wrong since they all now know that the boys were not kidnapped. and now he has resorted to a juvenile court and the magistrate now wants the children brought to the court. the guy seems not to be thinking rationally any longer as he is not even thinking of the welfare of these children and how this might affect them psychologically. The woman might not be able to live with this man again; but not so sure

KansasTherapist :

The police has shown they have the good sense to know that the boys are better off where they are. I would trust that the juvenile court can so the same.

KansasTherapist :

Whether she divorces her husband or lives apart from him, she will need legal protection or he will probably harass over and over again.

Customer :

But Nigeria is a male chauvinistic country where the court might declare that the man the next in line to keep the children if the mother is not around.

Customer :

Yes, i agree with you but how does she go about getting this legal protection?

KansasTherapist :

Is there such a thing as a legal separation in Nigeria?

Customer :

I am not sure

KansasTherapist :

It would be good to find that out. If so it would provide a legal framework for their separation rather than him being able to call her a runaway wife.

KansasTherapist :

As to the male dominance of Nigeria, wouldn't the court expect that a man work to support his family rather than making his wife do everything?

Customer :

But she did not run away. She has no intention of staying abroad; thhat was why she opted for the online distance learning programme rather than settle down to a full time course and she lost all available funding and sponsorship because there is no funding for online learners, mostly for those on full time.

Customer :

And can you please explain what you mean by legal separation? is it the same as divorce?

KansasTherapist :

Her brother didn't kidnap the boys either but that didn't stop him from accusing the brother in law and causing trouble.

KansasTherapist :

A legal separation isn't divorce. The couple are still married but the court recognized they are living apart.

KansasTherapist :

It would stop him from having the right to come into her house without her permission. It would set up custody of the children and visiting rights. If he made any money he would have to pay to support the children.

Customer :

I actually think the magistrate was not right in asking the children to be brought at the first hearing

KansasTherapist :

Perhaps it wasn't right but I'm sure he wanted to see for himself how the children were being taken care of and that no one had runaway with them.

Customer :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX such case, what would you advice the sister who has the custody of the children to do?

KansasTherapist :

Follow the magistrates directions, let the court know that the children are in school that the mother paid for. The mother will be back in a specific number of months and will take care of the children. The husband doesn't have money to take care of his children because he refuses to work and has ruined every business he has tried. He wouldn't be able to put them in school or buy them clothes.

Customer :

and you think this will be sufficient? what if the man has gone behind to 'see' the magistrate as is the norms over here?

KansasTherapist :

Unless he has money to get the magistrate to rule in his favor, which it doesn't seem he has, I'm not sure the court would be impressed by him.

Customer :

You sure have a point there. Well i guess i still have a whole month to the £11 pounds paid now. is it possible to get you back so as to give you a feed back and get more professional advice from your goodself?

KansasTherapist :

Just put my name at the start of your question, Kansastherapist.

KansasTherapist :

I hope I helped. Please click accept so that JustAnswer will pay me.

Customer :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX Nigeria. Yes you did help. But i need to know if the £11 pound covers a month as they wrote.

KansasTherapist :

Yes, you will still be able to ask questions for the 11 pounds.

Customer :

Okay Madam, thank you and talk to you soon!

KansasTherapist :

You're very welcome.

KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
KansasTherapist and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Funmi from Nigeria:
Hello
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
Hello Funmi
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the other day. But the man was able to get custody of the children through what we call 'jungle justice' in Nigeria. The children were presented in court and the magistrate took them in for questioning only for her to come out and hand over the children to their father saying that the children complained bitterly about where they were living and the school they were attending which of course is a blatant lie as the children cried and cried that they did not want to follow their father but would rather prefer to go with their uncle and aunt but the magistrate turned a deaf hear to their cries
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
That is so sad. I'm terribly sorry things turned out that way for the children.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The magistrate when asked why she gave the children to the man said the man was able to present an evidence in form of a supposed printed material from his wife's phone which shows him that she was having an affair 'on phone' with a man and also confirms she was running away with this man.
But this poor woman is my very good friend and she has done nothing of such as she is struggling to sponsor herself presently in school and is squatting with a family friend.
What i need you to tell me is "is such an evidence tenable in court as it might have been printed from anywhere?"
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like the father managed to come up with some money to pay for what he wanted. The question now is what is he going to do with these kids now that he has them. It's really a shame.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, sounds so to me too. but is such an evidence tenable in court?
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
If the judge decides to accept it, they can do what they think is right. In this case, what she was paid to do.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Anyway, I truly pity her as the said husband has gone to dump the children with the same big brother who took him away instead of trying to settle the rift between him and his wife. I thought the judge should have ensured that the man was capable of taking care of the childrenbecause to me, it still remains the same thing. He was complaining of the children being with their mother's sister whom he termed '3rd party' and he now giving them to his own brother. Life could be so unfair. but does it mean that there is nothing this woman could do?
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.
I don't know what she can do, because I'm not familiar with your legal system. Perhaps being with the father's brother won't be so bad for the children. Hopefully they will go to school and have proper care. When the wife comes back to your country, she might be able to appeal or just take them back from the uncle.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Funmi from Nigeria:
<CS Issue>
Thank you.
Thank you.

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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist
Parenting Counselor
565 Satisfied Customers
17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.