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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
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I do accept the answer, but I already know that. What I need

Customer Question

I do accept the answer, but I already know that. What I need are answers to how to make him see this. Yes she is not someone I would pick because she seems emotionally unstable and i do worry about her getting pregnant because she thinks that would tie him to her but how do I make him see this. And honestly right now because he is not thinking with his brain he wants to be tied to her I think or he would not be wanting to change colleges. Are there any articles or books or any printed material you can suggest that might help?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

JACUSTOMER-3wxg6ws3- : I'm not sure what the first part of your question was or who you were working with, but I would be glad to help you. If you respond to this I will get the message.
Customer:

I have a 17 year old son. He has always been pleasant, respectful, smart, goodlooking, has a bright future ahead of him. College plans are the University of Ar. 3.75 GPA and 32 Act. His entire life that is where he has wanted to go to college. Now 2 months ago he starts dating a girl (1 month after breaking up with a girl he dated for 2 years) and everything has changed. He doesn't want to attend the university anymore he want to go to a community college where she is going. She is always causing drama at school and with his friends, manipulating him into feeling sorry for her because she has been hurt before. OH BROTHER. I would guess there are some sexual things going on although my son swears they are not having intercourse. I can't believe this is the same guy who has been so smart all his life and cannot see through this. She will be the type to get pregnant of purpose just to try to hold on to him because she already told him she will die if they don't get to go to the same college and every time he does anything with his friends she causes some big drama if she is not included. Do you know of any material I can give him on manipulating controlling girls that would help him see the light?

Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

I would like to help you with your question.

Are you waiting for a reply for your previous Expert - L Benson, or are you wanting a new Expert.

 

As I said, I would be happy to assist you.

 

Dr. Levang

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
Dr. L and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Any expert will do.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

I found an article for you. Give me a minute and I will cut & paste it into this chat.

 

In the meantime, I understand your concern for your son. His life had been going in one direction, and all of a sudden he is headed down a different path - and only because of a new girlfriend. Certainly this is not what you wanted your son to do, nor expected he would do. And, as you pointed out, he is NOT thinking with his brain but likely with a different part of his body! And this girl has way too much influence at this point in his life.

 

I have a few questions: has he already applied for and been accepted at the University of Ar?

 

The one thing you have to keep in mind is that love relationships with kids don't always last...however, you still have to deal with the reality that he does not want to go to the University and getting that solved is critical.

 

If you would answer my question I would appreciate it.

 

I'll be back in a few minutes with the article...

 

 

 

Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.
Guys, take this mini-quiz. Do you:

  • Agree to go to "chick flicks," the opera, plays, etc., even though you don't want to (and she never reciprocates by attending the events you enjoy)?


  • Always pick up the tab for dating expenses, even though she has an excellent, high-paying job?


  • Have sex only on her terms and only when she's "in the mood"?


  • Suddenly find yourself changing your clothing, hairstyle, dcor, and car according to her demands?


  • Act as her door-to-door chauffeur, problem-solver, financier?


  • Keep calling her (and making excuses for her behavior) when she doesn't return calls or is otherwise "unavailable"?


  • If you answered "yes" to any of these questions (or a hundred similar ones), then you're the victim of sexual manipulation. You are running scared -- afraid that if you stand up to her or don't succumb to her demands, she'll cut off the sex.

    sex = power

    Whether or not men know it (or want to admit it), women are in complete control of the sexual arena. They know that a woman's physical appearance is an irresistible drug to men. They know that lust can temporarily stun a man's ability to reason. They know men want sex and will do anything -- even act contrary to their inherent masculine natures -- to get it.

    They know they can turn even the most macho he-man into a begging puppy dog just by a secret, throaty whisper in the ear. They know they can manipulate a man into spending thousands of dollars on them with the bat of an eyelash or the tip of the tongue flitting out between the lips. They know that they can get away with behavior that society would never tolerate in men.

    This is an awesome power, and women are experts at wielding it. Sex should be an intimate bond between two equal partners, but for women it is first and foremost a tool. They addict men to their sexuality and then withdraw it to keep them panting for more. They dangle sex in front of men like a carrot on a stick, knowing full well that they can get men to do anything they want them to do.

    They are masters at sexual manipulation
    Dr. L, Psychologist
    Category: Parenting
    Satisfied Customers: 1165
    Experience: Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
    Dr. L and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

    oldest trick in the book

    The tools of the female manipulative trade are seduction, flattery, deception, evasion, unavailability, and innuendo -- all cunning levers to bend men to their wills. Women shave, pluck, dye, paint, starve, tuck, enlarge, and de-wrinkle themselves for one reason -- to package themselves for sexual power over men.

    A woman will never give herself emotionally to a man unless he has something she can exploit. Sexual manipulation is essentially dishonest, by its very nature designed to mislead and control men.

    Unfortunately, in our society, women are permitted to abuse their sexual power. They are allowed to flaunt their sexuality, yet still claim to be victims. They are allowed to exploit and profit from men's natural drives in the adult entertainment industry. They are allowed to dress seductively in cleavage-baring tops and hip-hugging jeans without any fear of sexual consequences.

    They are allowed to seduce men into handing over their wallets without any worry of judgment or criminal censure. They are allowed to flirt and seduce in the workplace, and then cry "sexual harassment" when a man responds according to his biological imperatives.

    They are allowed to use sex to their advantage -- and withdraw it -- when it is convenient for them and then hide behind a self-serving version of feminism when it comes time to pay the price.

    a man's sex drive is honest

    At its very core, the male sex drive is honest, clean, open, and uninhibited. But at the hands of manipulating women, it becomes man's worst enemy -- it turns him into a senseless puppet dancing to a woman's tune. Driven blindly by testosterone, men sacrifice their male power on the altar of female sexploitation .

    We pay for dinner, go shopping for clothes, tolerate moods, forsake our buddies, and cuddle up on the couch watching a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle , all in hopes of getting laid.

    When a man in lust surrenders his male power to a woman, she calls him a "gentleman" -- translation: a sucker manipulated to do exactly what she wants.

    It's not pretty.

    In fact, it's a disgrace.

    take back control

    But there's a simple solution: stop letting her get away with it. Women are like spoiled brats -- you have to put your foot down and start setting limits.

    Here are a few tips that'll help you put the brakes on female sexual manipulation.

    1- Be true to yourself
    If you want to go see Bloodsoak II instead of Endless Boundless Love , then say so. If she doesn't want to go, then go by yourself -- she'll get the point. Hopefully in the future you'll achieve a spirit of compromise.

    2- Stop paying for her
    Financing her social life only enables her abuse of her sexual power -- it keeps on proving to her that she can exploit you and get away with using her feminine guile.

    3- Firmly set bedroom boundaries
    Break the grip of her control of the sexual arena. Insist on complete partnership -- sex when you want it, too, not just when she feels like it.

    4- Be prepared to lose
    Risk losing sex. When you stand up to her manipulation, she will cut you off, scorn you, belittle you, scream at you -- and she may even leave you to find a more compliant sucker. But it's better to be rid of her than to spend any more time being a volunteer to her sexual manipulation.

    5- Walk away
    This is your ultimate defense. Refuse to be manipulated. Reclaim your male rights and get out of there. You'll find somebody better.

    decide what woman you want

    It's up to you, guys. Dating should be about partnership, not a whore/john relationship, where a woman oozes up against you with one hand reaching for your wallet. It should be about honesty and equality, not about a woman taking advantage of your natural sex drive to get what she wants.

    Ultimately, it should be about standing up for your rights as a man and no longer letting yourself be manipulated by feminine wiles.
    Dr. L, Psychologist
    Category: Parenting
    Satisfied Customers: 1165
    Experience: Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
    Dr. L and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

    Okay...this may be a bit provocative for an adolescent - I admit it - but perhaps you could read through this and think about how to approach him with some of this information. I apologize if you find this a little to much...but I think you are smart enough to figure out that what has changed with your son is due to the sexual nature of the relationship and her ability to manipulate him.

     

    I will try to find another article...but material on adolescents is not as prevalent. Still...I will do another search.

     

    Meanwhile, let me know your response.

     

    Dr. Levang

    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

    I found something better....

     

    As your relationship with a new person in your life has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine whether the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, you must put an end to the destructive cycle.

     

    Steps

    1. Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began.

      Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your partner's name comes up? Red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried or is being pushed away.
      • Does this person bring out your best, XXXXX XXXXX traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner's, which puts off your family and friends?
    2. 3Recognize your blindness to your partner's faults. Infatuation isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first part of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the significant other. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other's behavior? If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend. In fact, when a relationship is healthy, your friends and family are normally going to recognize that this person makes you very happy, brings out the best in you, and they will rejoice with the two of you.
    3. 4Notice if your plans are continually overturned in favor of hers/his. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what she/he wants, always meeting up with her/his friends.
      • Be aware of the way he/she behaves with your family and friends, especially if she/he interrupts them, contradicts them, or behaves dismissively. If you feel you need to apologize or explain her behavior to your family or friends, there's a problem there.
      • Are you realizing it's just become easier not to spend time with people you've loved for years, rather than to make apologies or excuses?
      • Have all of your past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new love, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of people you have always known means she has just made herself/himself the center of your universe, and now has no competition for your attention.
    4. 5Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new husband that made you stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse said and what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call him out on them. If his reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. And don't delay doing the analysis - it may save you from disaster later.
    5. 6Keep your support system. Cutting you off from your support systems helps her/him gain dominance over you - and you think it's your decision. A controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect - your friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will actually see him treat them in a dismissive ("You don't have the same experience I have.") or outright rude way ("That's just stupid. You're wrong."). However, when you're alone with him, he never says a bad word about those friends, but rather is kind, loving, and even complimentary about them. It makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand him, etc. You forget his nastiness to their faces because he's nice behind their backs. When you find yourself telling your mom or sister, "But, you have to understand him like I do," that's a bad sign. Why should everyone else understand her and adjust their behavior - wouldn't it be easier if he would adjust his? It's much easier for him to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and soon, you have no one but him to turn to.
    6. 7Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your partner is protective of you, that's sweet. If he's bizarrely, overly protective, it's scary. Consider whether he constantly nags about how long it takes you to make a trip to the market or to the post office. Does he interrogate you if you aren't home exactly on time, or if you go out for any reason? Does he question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person?
    7. 8Watch for Double Standards and Catch-22 Situations. Does your partner apply one standard to his own behavior and a different one to yours? It's okay for your partner to be two hours late but you get berated if you're five minutes later than expected? It's okay for him to flirt but probably infidelity if you flirt? Catch-22 situations are when you get chewed out whatever you do - if you save money then you're being too stingy, if you spend it on going out with your partner then you're careless with money and it's your fault. Both of these patterns are common in controlling-manipulative relationships.
    8. 9Watch for repeat offenses, shallow apologies and "courting" afterwards. He does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness, tells you he realizes he was wrong, and promises to change. He seems utterly sincere and convincing - but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested - at this point he may even tearfully say she wants your help to change, particularly if you have let him know that you will not tolerate such things again. He may bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet, again, re-establishing his sincerity and your belief that he truly loves you (and he may, but in a really toxic, controlling way). Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as he believes he has you hooked and complacent again.
    9. 10Beware of the "backhanded compliment". Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems sweet, but he wants you to believe that nobody but he will ever love you again. It fosters utter dependence on him and his love. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence. You will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and he's the best you can hope for. Do not believe this, you deserve so much more - and that is what you should have.
    10. 11Stop berating yourself for being into this person. Realize that she's amazing - on the surface - and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. These people are often an odd mix of very high intellect or talent, coupled with low self-esteem (although they often seem confident to the point of arrogance - a mask for their internal lack of true confidence). Controlling, manipulative people are not able to just let things happen naturally - he must control things or, in his mind, things will "get away" from him - so he's compelled by her inner horrors to make sure he's the one pulling all the strings. But what makes it most awful is that he's probably gorgeous (you thought so, right?) and smart, funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for him.
    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.
    Tips
    • Do recognize that almost everyone is capable of some manipulative or controlling behaviors from time to time - we all want to get our way or to win the argument. But when you begin to recognize more than a few of the above warning signs, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide whether it's truly an equal partnership.
    • Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family; they do have your best interests in mind. One person can be ignored - many cannot. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike for your partner? Ask yourself, "Is my mom (for example) right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - the new girlfriend?" And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new gal, give more weight to the negative opinions.
    • Key to this entire discussion is the recognition that the establishment of control is subtle, and often occurs over time. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs. Because these signs can be subtle, it can be helpful to see a collection of warning signs; one sign may not be a problem. Four or five - talk to friends and relatives. If they affirm the signs are there, it may be time to re-evaluate this relationship - and try to do it outside of the control of this person.
    • Make sure your relationship is a two-way street, and that your partner is giving as well as receiving. If you have something big coming up -- an exam, for instance -- so that if you get together, you will still need to study. She agrees initially to just come over and hang out while you study, but when she gets there, says something dismissive, like, "You shouldn't be studying when we're together, you should spend time with me. That exam isn't such a big deal and it's rude of you not to spend time with me." That should be a flag. A healthy relationship means there is give and take. A controlling or manipulative relationship forces you to constantly choose between other important events and people in your life and your partner. Giving back in a relationship does not only mean showering you with affection and gifts. It means working together in co-operation on non-romantic subjects.
    • Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do; he may become detached and apathetic toward you. But unless he is the one to end this relationship, even though it is obvious he is interested in someone else, or at least looking with interest at others, he will freak out if you are the one to leave, and spend hours berating you for your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.
    • Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like her to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to continue the relationship. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. This type of person won't recognize herself. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.
    • Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share. They will rejoice when you tell them it's over.
    • Resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!

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    Edit Warnings

    • Severely controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for her; the best help you can give her is to (A) refuse to be her victim, and (B) direct her to professional help.
    • The likelihood of stalking and violent behaviors developing in this type of person is higher than in others, both for you and any supporters you might have. If you feel you're being stalked, notify the authorities and take steps to make yourself safe (travel with others, stay with friends or family, avoid places you frequented together, get a restraining order).
    • If he shows up at your door after you've broken it off, don't open it if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to him (not recommended), but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.
    • Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end, as it is likely to be used as a weapon against you. Cutting them off may seem cruel, but it ends the confrontations and forces them to move on or get help.
    • Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or your supporters, or to commit suicide. Don't rely on your own judgment to determine whether threats are serious. Report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous, but don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it is violated.
    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.
    Tips
    • Do recognize that almost everyone is capable of some manipulative or controlling behaviors from time to time - we all want to get our way or to win the argument. But when you begin to recognize more than a few of the above warning signs, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide whether it's truly an equal partnership.
    • Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family; they do have your best interests in mind. One person can be ignored - many cannot. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike for your partner? Ask yourself, "Is my mom (for example) right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - the new girlfriend?" And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new gal, give more weight to the negative opinions.
    • Key to this entire discussion is the recognition that the establishment of control is subtle, and often occurs over time. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs. Because these signs can be subtle, it can be helpful to see a collection of warning signs; one sign may not be a problem. Four or five - talk to friends and relatives. If they affirm the signs are there, it may be time to re-evaluate this relationship - and try to do it outside of the control of this person.
    • Make sure your relationship is a two-way street, and that your partner is giving as well as receiving. If you have something big coming up -- an exam, for instance -- so that if you get together, you will still need to study. She agrees initially to just come over and hang out while you study, but when she gets there, says something dismissive, like, "You shouldn't be studying when we're together, you should spend time with me. That exam isn't such a big deal and it's rude of you not to spend time with me." That should be a flag. A healthy relationship means there is give and take. A controlling or manipulative relationship forces you to constantly choose between other important events and people in your life and your partner. Giving back in a relationship does not only mean showering you with affection and gifts. It means working together in co-operation on non-romantic subjects.
    • Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do; he may become detached and apathetic toward you. But unless he is the one to end this relationship, even though it is obvious he is interested in someone else, or at least looking with interest at others, he will freak out if you are the one to leave, and spend hours berating you for your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.
    • Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like her to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to continue the relationship. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. This type of person won't recognize herself. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.
    • Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share. They will rejoice when you tell them it's over.
    • Resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!

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    Edit Warnings

    • Severely controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for her; the best help you can give her is to (A) refuse to be her victim, and (B) direct her to professional help.
    • The likelihood of stalking and violent behaviors developing in this type of person is higher than in others, both for you and any supporters you might have. If you feel you're being stalked, notify the authorities and take steps to make yourself safe (travel with others, stay with friends or family, avoid places you frequented together, get a restraining order).
    • If he shows up at your door after you've broken it off, don't open it if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to him (not recommended), but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.
    • Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end, as it is likely to be used as a weapon against you. Cutting them off may seem cruel, but it ends the confrontations and forces them to move on or get help.
    • Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or your supporters, or to commit suicide. Don't rely on your own judgment to determine whether threats are serious. Report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous, but don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it is violated.
    Dr. L, Psychologist
    Category: Parenting
    Satisfied Customers: 1165
    Experience: Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
    Dr. L and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
    Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

    Sorry...looks like the last post was duplicated.

     

    Hope this helps!

     

     

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