How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Rossi Your Own Question

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
19260254
Type Your Parenting Question Here...
Dr. Rossi is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My 19 year old granddaughter does not want to have anything

Customer Question

My 19 year old granddaughter does not want to have anything to do with me.What can I do? She is a freshman in college.Last summer I got her almost everything she needed to move in to college,.I always get her nice gifts ,about $200 worth at a time X-mas B-day fall for clothes for the seson,I also gave my son over $25000 to cover half her expenses.I sent her a pkge to school with goodies in it.
I asked her if she could call or e-mail me once in a while.I am 74 and not in good health .I miss her and like to know what is going on w/her,NEVER HAPPENS.Even when she comes home for the wknd,(they live about 45min from me)she wouldnt take 5 min to call me
What am I doing wrong???????? It really bothers me a lot and crying all the time .It effects my health.Please tell me what to do?
Ps:She is treated like a princess at home.!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Was there any sort of disagreement that may have led to this either b/w the two of you or her parent(s)? When did you notice the start of her behavior?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She was very fresh with me a few times when I visited (it only happens maybe 3times a year)So I told her to behave and she didn't like that because like I said it is always HER way .Her perents let her get away with it I don't
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for clarifying.

From what you've shared, she sounds "spoiled" and enabled by her parents to act this way. You've also tried to reach out to her and she's not reciprocating. There are few things that you can do because, ultimately she is the one to decide how to respond.

Speak to her parents about her behavior in a way where they'd encourage her to be respectful and interacting. If she or they feel criticized, they'd either remain passive or turn it somehow onto you.

 

You may think about not being as generous towards her because she most likely is 1/ expecting that and 2/ taking it for granted. That does not mean that you'd stop being nice and loving towards her. Continue to phone or write/email to her and if possible, arrange for a lunch together either with her parents and her or just the two of you. You may let her know that there is something on your mind that you want to discuss (don't let her know what ahead of time) If she ends up meeting with you alone, after you've had some nice meals, mention to her that you really appreciate when you hear from her and that you're there for her because you love/care. If you express criticism, she may recoil. Rather, keep it on a positive note so she can feel empowered and understand the impact that she has on others.

 

Try to re frame what you may have been used to saying in the past ex: "its always her way". You're correct, it is her way because she would do what suites her. Yet, you want to reward positive behavior not condone negative one. Find at least 1-2 positive traits of hers to praise and compliment her on, show interest in her schooling/dating life, etc. You could make a picture album with pictures of the two of you from her childhood till the present time and include a card/note about how much you cherish her.

And, as hard as it is, try not to personalize her behavior. At this age, she's mostly egocentric and preoccupied with things that she finds more exciting. Her behavior may not necessarily be 100% volitional intent to hurt or reject you.

 

Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
Dr. Rossi and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I agree with some of it but not all.I guess I am from the old school.When somebody-anybody-gives you something you be nice to the person no matter what,.I can not speek to her parents,Than I'll be the bad guy.I love her ,but I just have to STOP all the giving.and take her as she is ,no matter how it hurts
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Yes, you do have to be more conservative w/ the giving of material things to her. Her parents should not condone her behavior. Maybe they don't see it as a big deal? People should be appreciative when others give them something I agree. In some cases (I'm not saying this is the case w/ her), individuals may become resentful towards the giver because they feel inadequate. Your love can be expressed in different ways than giving, giving and giving. She has to lover you for who you are not what you can give her.

 

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/jhollo77/2010-2-6_651_Avatar.jpg Jennifer's Avatar

    Jennifer

    School Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/VO/vodkas25/2012-1-29_16528_P1010831.64x64.JPG professional_Alison's Avatar

    professional_Alison

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    40
    Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/KaterB1270/2012-5-2_17226_016.64x64.jpg KaterB1270's Avatar

    KaterB1270

    Teacher

    Satisfied Customers:

    18
    BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/Kansastherapist/2012-6-13_171911_4upon20120220at14.64x64.jpg KansasTherapist's Avatar

    KansasTherapist

    LSCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    17
    17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HE/heidi1107/2012-2-18_15325_Heidi.64x64.jpg Heidi LPC's Avatar

    Heidi LPC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    16
    Licensed Professional Counselor
 
 
 

Related Parenting Questions