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KaterB1270
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience:  BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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Hello and thank you for considering my question. My wife and I are having a difficult time with our 10 month old. Becuase I am the enforcer I will say, or the person who does not allow him to cry or whine, he runs to his mother and crawls up her leg or hides " when I walk into the room "..Pay attention to that. AND SHE ALLOWS THIS.Or when I hug his Mom and he can see this he starts screaming. When he and I are alone, he plays like a normal child and I enjoy being a father. He has learned from his mother that crying gets him what he wants because she cannot take it or hear it from him, so, she will usually think of an excuse to pick him up and comfort him. She insists that she will teach him with love and it clearly is not working but she insists. I cannot explain anything at all to her, she insists she will teach him with love. It is now to the point that when she puts him in the car when I am driving he starts screaming..Please help !!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

KaterB1270 : Good Morning....
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience: BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
KaterB1270 and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
Sorry I missed you this morning...

I will do my best to give you insight into your situation. Unfortunately you are in a very difficult position with your family. The good thing is a lot of families find themselves in the same position. A few years a go I was in the same position. I call this family dynamic the "good cop v. bad cop" dynamic. The first thing you and your wife need to do if you haven't yet is sit down and talk about your family and how you plan to work together as a team. During this discussion, which should be during a time when tensions are not high, start by telling her how much you love her and your son. Once she understands that I would actually write a pros v. cons list with her. Most likely this situation is difficult for her as well and in the forefront of her mind. By writing down the good things and bad things about how you are raising your child will put things into concrete terms that are easy to discuss on an ongoing basis. Once you have laid everything on the table so to speak you need to come up with a plan that both of you agree to and are committed to carrying out.

Now here is the good part of your situation. Your son is very young and will follow the lead of his parents. He is very much wanting to make both you and your wife happy. He is also entering a time where separation anxiety is going to be present in his mind. Be careful not to confuse his cries not to be with you as your new plan isn't working. His not wanting change is very developmentally appropriate.

If you are interested in a book that can help you might check out a Super Nanny book by Jo Frost. She is a very down to earth nanny that has an idea for just about every situation.

Once you have started a duologue with her things will start to get better both with your wife and son. Remember he is very young and crying is his only way to communicate with you and your wife.

If I can provide any other information please don't hesitate to ask.

KateB

please press the accept button as this is the only way i am compensated for my time and expertise.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Hi, Good morning. I want to add some things to the discussion above. Kate makes some valid points, but I needed to add some things regarding developmental stages for babies and how crucial they are.
Your 10 month old is too young to have this type of "discipline." He does not cry or whine as an excuse for anything and your wife is doing the absolute right thing by providing him comfort. That is what mother's do and should do in order to build the bond that creates trust and safety in the world. If you continue to give her a hard time for this your Son will quickly learn that the world is not safe and his needs cannot be met. As Kate said, he does this because this is the ONLY way that babies can communicate. They do not have words and so they cry to have their needs met and your wife is being a great Mom by responding to those needs. When your Son becomes a bit older you can start setting the boundaries, but I must say I am worried about the rigidity of our rules. your son will connect to both of you if you allow it, but if he fears you then he will be obeying out of fear rather than respect for the boundaries that you have set. Kids need to "win" sometimes too and this is how they feel a sense of power in the world as they learn, test and grow. I am hoping this makes sense to you and I am hoping you can take this all in.
Let your wife give your son that comfort...he is not doing any of it on purpose. All of his behavior is normal and if you don't let it be then he will not develop a sense of safety in his parents and the larger world. Please take a step back from this.
The books i would recommend are by Dr. Karp..he is a pediatrician and will guide you through these stages. You can look at his site at www.happiestbaby.com
I wish you the best and I am happy you came to get more information. It is all new to us when we become parents and the support of others can go a long way. I know you love your son and wife so let the love flow and pull back a bit on the rigidity. Please let me know your thoughts.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
It is clear that justanswer.com is in the money making business. I was expecting answers from qualified experts with a minimum of a 4 year degree in the field. Neither person has the credentials to be called an expert and their answers show. And one is a coach of something ! FYI, please read there answers and you will see neither one of them paid close attention to my entire post ! I said my child was normal when we are alone. Please do not continue me with eitehr of these two so called experts..Thank you
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

Excuse me sir but please reread my profile and you will see that I am a teacher and have a Master's degree in Education. I am very qualified to answer your question and have given your the appropriate advice for your situation. I am sorry if you do not feel this was the answer your were looking for. I wish you good luck in finding what you are looking for elsewhere.

 

Kate B

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Well Mam, are you a teacher of psychology ? We already know that answer. As far as you remark about looking for something that tells the rest of the story..As I said before you are not qualified in this field, and because you are a teacher is no reason either. I also kindly asked not to hear from you again. Thank you

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Kate and I are both qualified professionals. I hold a clinical social work degree and have been in practice since 1989. In addition I hold a certification in professional coaching. none of that seems to matter to you because you are not desirous of hearing your part in things and sadly this will affect your Son. Kate and I both responded in an empathic manner with our expertise. The simple answer is your wife is doing all of the right things. If that is something you don't want to hear then I agree with you, we are not qualified to answer your questions. We both wish you well and hope you can do right for your son and continue to let him develop normally and allow your wife to provide the love and comfort necessary to thrive in the world. We hope you can do the same.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I asked you kindly not to bother me. Were you trying to cut out "your friend" from geeting paid. You blabbed your silly answer after she..Or were you just trying to get paid also ? Hmmm.. I'll make sure the proper people know what you did, " Jen ".. You are not qualified in the field of Pschiatryand please do not try and claim you are some sort of expert. If you bothered to read my post in its entirety you would have notice I wrote everything is fine when my wife is not around. Your snobbish attitude and bashing of me and your smart remarks also will make people realize you are not a professional whatsoever.. Please, again I ask kindly, do not bother me.

 

P.S. I knew you could not keep your opinions to yourself after the first time I asked you futher making me and the rest of the just answer customers realize you are not professional in any way.

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