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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2227
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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Hi, I have a daughter and a grand daughter, whom I have had

Resolved Question:

Hi, I have a daughter and a grand daughter, whom I have had to help financially in the past, now has reached a point that I want to let her to experience the real world. In the past I have provided my daughter and grand daughter with a home, but now due to her extravagent spending, she is home less, and has to go to a family hostel, she will be starting a new job again, but I am not happy with my grand daughter who is 10 years old to go to a hostel and I am tempted to provide them with financial help again to rent a house. My daughter is very angry with me. Please tell me what to do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
You are a very loving mother and grandmother. You are in a very tough position because if you continue to help her then this cycle most likely will continue. But, on the other hand, if you don't help her you have to witness your child and grandchild live in a hostel and struggle to make ends meet.
I dont know if this is an option or of it would be something you would want, but is there a way to have them live with you so that you can have some clear boundaries and expectations about her spending? If that is not an option and you feel that you cannot bear to see them in a hostel then the rental home is the way to go. I think it would be easier for you to let her find her way if she didn't have a child, your grandchild, but this tugs at your heart. If you go the rental house route, as tough as it may be you can still place some clear boundaries on the spending. Not a great way to have to be in this part of your life, but again your grandchild is what is keeping you in this dynamic. If you get her the house, then maybe you pay the rent directly to the landlord and keep her out of this aspect. Please let me know your thoughts on this.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for your reply, the best option is renting a house for her, but she knows that I will be liable for 1 year's rent and bills and I need to pay the deposit too and if she doesn't agree with my boundaries, I will lose financially yet again, have done this in the past where I ended up paying the rent for 2 years!!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
There is that risk involved for sure, so it is really about whether you want to assume it once again. If your granddaughter wasn't involved I would most likely suggest letting her flounder and find her way, but I don't think you are able to do that with your grandchild involved.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks again. Yes, she has been using my grandchild to get what she wants! I suppose I need to accept that is how going to be!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.
I can see how she is doing that and I feel for you. It is really up to you to either set the firm limit and stop what you are doing or continue to do it because of your grandchild. Not an easy position to be her hostage in this and I feel for you. I hope I have provided a measure of support for you. Let me know how else I can help you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX been supportive, as you have mentioned, it is not an easy decision, I need to think about it.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.
Ok, I am here for further support if you need. Come back any time and ask for CoachJenK. If you feel our time together has been helpful, please click accept.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2227
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
TherapistJen and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
I see this question was relisted, but am not sure why. Jen gave you a satisfactory answer. If you are looking for a second opinion, I would say to stop helping them. I know it is extremely difficult, especially with a 10 year old child involved, but the lessons that she will learn from this can far outweigh the lessons if you were to keep helping her. A hostel may or not be a bad environment, depending on the situation. I had a friend of mine actually run a very good, clean hostel. It varies and there are worse situations that they could be in. Having a roof over their heads and food is better than some people have it. I would let them go to the hostel for now and keep an eye on the situation. Your grand daughter may very well see what mistakes her mother has made and it can make her a better person for not wanting to go through that again or put her future kids though this type of situation. If you keep helping them, your grand daughter will see that it is ok to whine and complain about a situation and she can always get her way and have someone else provide for her. While you are thinking of them and their current situation, you also have to think about this long term and how this will effect her going forward.

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