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hintonrae
hintonrae, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 401
Experience:  Mother of Three (Teen, Elem-Aged, and Infant), High school Teacher, Youth Mentor, Tutor, Writer, Family Blogger, Grad Student
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My husband and I are at a loss as to how to handle our son

Resolved Question:

My husband and I are at a loss as to how to handle our son who we have caught several times dowloading pictures of porn onto his cell phone, tablet and ipod. The first 2 times we sat down and diiscussed the issue with him and he denied downloading anything. The third time was on his ipod and there was no denying. He admitted finally that he made a mistake. He is 14 and all the pictures he is downloading is of men. My husband and I do not condone this behavior and have removed any and all devices from him and are still ot sure that is enough. We are very concerned and would like to know if there is more we should be doing to punish him and to prevent this from happening again? Thank you
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  hintonrae replied 2 years ago.

hintonrae :

Hi, there.

hintonrae :

First, I'd like to say I know how excruciating it must be for your husband and you to have to tackle this issue with your child. My heart goes out to you.

Customer:

Hello

hintonrae :

You're definitely doing the right thing, though, in opening up the dialogue about it with your son.

Customer:

and thank you. This so far has been the hardest thing we have had to deal with

hintonrae :

I'm sure.

hintonrae :

Hopefully it will be the worst.

hintonrae :

One thing that may be helpful in discussing with your son is the impact that viewing pornography now will have on his future relationships.

hintonrae :

Future relationships are something that teenagers are not normally too concerned with...they're far more concerned with hormones and the here and now.

Customer:

We have. We have even shared the consequences if someone else got a hold of his things and saw that he had that on them.

hintonrae :

Great.

Customer:

My husband seems to think that we need to take our son to a counselor. What is your thought?

hintonrae :

I can tell you're very concerned about the fact that he is viewing male pornography, as well. There may be "innocent" reasons for this--

hintonrae :

he could be concerned about his own anatomy, for example.

hintonrae :

I was actually getting to that point.

hintonrae :

Pornography, and addiction to it, is a highly sensitive and very serious thing.

hintonrae :

Talking to a professional counselor is never a bad thing--

hintonrae :

particularly when it's over a subject that your child may simply be embarrassed to discuss with his parents.

hintonrae :

It's never a bad idea for parents to find an adult mentor (counselor, good adult friend of same sex)

hintonrae :

that they trust that the teen can talk to about things as they start getting a little older.

Customer:

ok.

hintonrae :

Because inevitably, there are going to be things that they simply will not feel comfortable

hintonrae :

coming to their parents about.

hintonrae :

Sad but true. :/

Customer:

true. I remember those days.

hintonrae :

We were all there.

Customer:

We are just concerned because of the amount of pictures that were downloaded each time ( not just a few) and the fact that this happend 3 times even after we talked to him about it. He is an overall good kid and haven't really had any issues with him up to this point. We just want to make sure that we are taking the right toad to correct this.

hintonrae :

You are right to be concerned.

hintonrae :

You're not acting in an extreme manner.

hintonrae :

Your teen may try to make you feel as though you are--that it's "no big deal,"

hintonrae :

and that you're overreacting.

hintonrae :

That's a classic developmental thing for this age.

hintonrae :

Just keep in mind your years of experience and the fact that you really do know best as parent.

hintonrae :

I don't see a lot more you can do as punishment. You've taken away the sources of the behavior: the computer, the Ipad, all the wifi devices.

hintonrae :

You may think about grounding him for a period of time.

hintonrae :

If he has a phone with wireless you have removed that, correct?

hintonrae :

As far as prevention, the personal, one-on-one counseling is your best bet.

Customer:

He does not have anything right now. We have taken his phone, tablet and ipod. It will be a while before he regains my trust and even then I will have the internet removed from his phone until I feel he can be trusted (in about 25 years)

hintonrae :

I'd like to send you a fantastic article, too, from Focus on the Family on this subject. There are some Christian components to it; please excuse those if they offend. There is just some very sound, practical widsom. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/when_children_use_pornography/advice_for_parents_of_teenage_porn_addicts.aspx

Customer:

We both agree that he needs someone to talk to (other than his mom and dad) about this issue and what is going on. I feel a little more confident that we are taking the right steps. We arew looking into a someone at our local church that he knows that he can talk with. Thank you

hintonrae :

I'm glad to hear that. I do hope I have been of help to you today. BEST of luck to you and your family as you progress with this situation. Take care. :)

Customer:

Thank you again for reassurance and advice. You have been very helpful.

hintonrae, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 401
Experience: Mother of Three (Teen, Elem-Aged, and Infant), High school Teacher, Youth Mentor, Tutor, Writer, Family Blogger, Grad Student
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