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KaterB1270
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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I hate and resent my mum. Every time we argue about it and

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I hate and resent my mum. Every time we argue about it and I try to tell her I can't forgive her for things and stuff she has done to me in the past, she just shouts and swears and threatens to hit me again, whilst screaming at me, why can't I see she loves me. I can see she loves me, but just because she is extra nice most of the time, doesnt mean she can be a complete controlling bitch other times. She is so passive aggressive, if she is annoyed, she will flip it round so it is my fault. We have fallen out again, dad says if I dont phone, this is causing permanent damage, but I have been here to many times, I will cry, apologise, she will say she loves me, I say yes I know, then we will have a huge fight again in a few months. Help :(
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

What a tough spot you are in! I am sorry that you have to deal with this. First of all I am glad you are starting to realize you do not have to "put up" with her. From what you are telling me you are being verbally and emotionally abused not to mention at times physically abused. In any abusive situation there is a cycle. During this cycle the following take place:

Each phase has very specific characteristics. During the tension building phase the abuser and victim both feel the" heat coming on" so to speak. Imagine walking on eggshells during this time. The acting out phase is when you mum actually is rude, mean, and disrespectful to you. During this acting out phase you may also be physically assaulted. Once the acting out phase is "talked out" or dealt with by each party there is a honeymoon phase where things seem to be great. You may be getting along great and things seem like they are going well. The honeymoon phase leads to the calm phase where things are just going on without much trouble. The hard thing about abusive relationships is that it is a cycle and repeats. The cycle may be a year long, a week long, or possibly a day long. Since the cycle is always cycling things will never really get better. Once you understand this cycle you can choose to deal with the abuse as you please. If you are ready (which it seems you may be) you need to put distance between you and your mum. This doesn't mean you never talk to her again but that you limit your communications. You pick and choose what you share with her and only communicate when you want to. This can be very difficult to handle since the abuser is a parent. Another suggestion would be to ask your mum to see a counselor with you. You would need to be ready to be brutally honest when visiting the therapist even if it will upset your mom. I hope this information has been helpful. Be sure to take care of yourself. You are the most important person to yourself and in all honestly the only one you can control.

 

If I can be of any other assistance please contact me directly. Also please ACCEPT my answer as this is the only way I am compensated for my time.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi there,

 

How would i stop the cycle though?
because as soon as she gets angry, I get defensive cry and say it how it is,

and she gets defensive and shouts, for instance last time I said that if I spoke to you the way my sister does, I would get in SO much trouble. I said she was horrible to me, hit me as a kid, shouts and insults me a lot, (inbetween shouting "why can't you see I love you and I am trying my best?!"

I said I can't forgive you for being so horrible to me in the past and she said "pull the car over so I can slap her" If I ignore it and try get on with her, she eventually annoys me and we argue, or if I try talk to her about it, we argue, we have had this arguement so many times, the only way she lets us get back to normal is if I apologise to her.

 

Now I am ignoring her and she is saying this is causing permanent damage and I am breaking up the family. But I am sick of getting treated like this. I really dont know how to end the cycle.

Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

The unfortunate thing is the that the only real way to break this cycle is to stop seeing your mom. I know this seems drastic but this is the only 100% way to be sure the abuse stops. Now because completely stopping contact with a parent is very difficult I would suggest limiting contact to what is absoutley necessary. I would look to others for the support system you are craving. Friends, people at work, extended family, and others can become your safe place so to go when you need help or just a hug from time to time. The other place that can be supporting is a church. If you are not already a part of a church maybe seek out a place to find fellowship.

I know this is a very touch time for you but be strong as in the long run things will be ok.

 

Let me know if there is anything else I can help with.

 

Kate

KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience: BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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