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KaterB1270
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience:  BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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Hello, Is this really a place where I can get some advice?

Customer Question

Hello, Is this really a place where I can get some advice?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
I am happy to give you advice on your family situation. If you don't mind could you explain a little more about your situation. What exactly do you need advice on? Is your son have some difficulty at this time? Please repy back at your earliest convenience and I will send an answer as soon as possible. I look forward to working together to solve your problems. Kate
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience: BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
KaterB1270 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My 27 year old son is very rude to me. He's opinionated and puts down anything I do, choose to do, etc. I was a great mom to him and he knows it. I divorced his dad when he was 14 because he had a terrible temper. My son was happy when I did. His dad was in his life until he was 18. His dad met a gal online, got married and flew the coop from the time my son was 18 - 22. Now the dad is divorced again and has started calling my son like nothing every was wrong. We're all stunned at his behavior.

My son has a girlfriend and they're crazy about each other. They both live together in the next town, 25 min. away. My son is always debating me, doesn't like any of my friends who are all wonderful and respectable people. He tells me that everyone is using me. He's been badly used in the past by friends, so maybe it's displaced anger?

My friend washed my car the other day to stay busy since he's only working 3 days a week. I offered to pay him and he wouldn't accept a dime and kept walking away from me as I was chasing him around with a 100 dollar bill. Ha!
Anyway, my son says that since he's only working 3 days a week that he's using me to subsidize his income. I said; What? He's not getting any money for this. My son said: "Yeah sure." (Burns me up)

My son said: What does he do for a living? I said he's an engineer for Toshiba. My son then said: "OH HE'S EDUCATED...that's even worse...you have an educated friend washing your car for extra money????"
It's crazy, how do I convince him that no money is inolved.

My son blasted me because I didn't include him on picking a ski boat for myself.
I would have, but was afraid he'd be his old judgemental self and it would spoil my fun.
He puts my boat down now all of the time saying it looks like a big yellow banana, etc.
I bought a new car and that was the wrong color. He literally started hollaring at me when I told him I got champagne color, not black. He said: "You didn't get black???" OMG!!!!"

Yesterday we were all going to his graduation from electrical school. I told him I was proud of him and he told me to knock it off. He said he's sick and tired of hearing me say how well he's done and how proud I am. It crushed my heart. He seems to want to hurt me always. Two years ago I took him and my cousin to Europe for two weeks.
His girlfriend had just broken up with him and he was MISERABLE, especially knowing that she was originally going to go with us, but found a new guy.

We got to the airport and he started yelling at me when I got into the check in line.
He said: What??? We're not going first class? I said: No, why? He said: "You're kidding me right?" I said: "No." He came unglued saying that he refused to fly for 14 hrs. in coach. We ended up having a miserable trip. He yelled at me if I asked for directions, saying that he knew what to do, etc. he kept telling me to stop asking directions if we were in train stations, etc. I speak German and worked hard at learning the language.
This was my first time having my son see me speak it. I was proud of myself and couldn't wait to do so in front of him. We were in Munich and I asked a Taxi driver what time the Glockenspeil played (electric bells that play on the hour). My son said: Speak English Mom, stop showing off! That crushed me.

Anyway, you get the idea. He's rude to me and sweet as pie to his girlfriend, my dad, friends we know, etc.
He gets mad if I give him any kind of compliment too. If his girlfriend doesn't like something I said or did, she tells him, then he calls and gets on me. It's not fun.
She and I get along good, but she is a drama queen. Always making something out of nothing.

My son used to love my cat. Now he never pets him when he comes over. He whistles real loud and scares him away. I won't stand for that. I told him to please not do that and he laughs. What could possibly be the problem here? Last night I went to his graduation from electrical school. (Apprentice to Journeyman) He's a hard worker and I told him how proud I am of him. Wrong thing to do. He got angry and said he's sick and tired of my compliments and being so nice to him.

Do you have any advice for me? I'm going to Hawaii for 10 days next week and don't even feel he deserves to know where I am. He's so rude. I just want to get away and relax. I'll do whatever you recommend. He's gone to counseling with me once and didn't like it. He even told the counselor that he doesn't know why he's so rude to me. It sure hurts. He's my only son (only child) and lived a wonderful life so far. He's a hard worker and really doesn't act like a spoiled brat other than with me. Otherwise he's a striving hard worker wanting to own his own electrical company one day. I'm certain he'll do it too. Thank you so much. Linda (XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX)

 



Already Tried:
So far I've told him to stop talking to me like that, stop treating me like dirt. He just yells back and tells me I'm being ridiculous. He will also debate me constantly. Whatever I say, he acts like he's cross examining me. Terrible. I have a new boat and I had a neighbor friend come and help me get it started one day. Needed to be primed a bit to get the fuel flowing. My son is now saying that my neighbor is a jerk, & that he want to just use my boat. He has his own boat!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

I just wrote a long explaination about how my son is behaving towards me. The question you originally received was just the beginning of my story and some how it sent too early. Is there a way you can find my question that I just sent?

He has an attitude problem with me, is judgemental and always wants to have a debate, like an attorney or something. Everything I do is wrong. Wrong color of car, wrong this wrong that. Crazy. Anyway, I wrote my entire story out...well not all of it, but the gest of it. You will probably be able to find it. Thank you, Linda (XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX)

Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
Linda, Thank you so much for your explaination. I can only imagine how upsetting this is to you. I wonder if while you were married to his dad if his father treated you this way. Did you ex treat you in a similar way while you were married? From what I can hear from you explaination that your son is taking out his emotions on you due to the confusing plaice he is at in his life. You are his safe place and unfortunately he takes out his emotions on you. The best way I can suggest you deal with this situation is to stay calm and take things one day or one conversation at a time. I am sad to say I think your relationship has forever been scared due to the things in the past. I would suggest you continue to be supportive of your son and do the best you can to make him understand your feelings. I hope that possibly trying a different therapist would help. Was the first therapist a male or a female? I would suggest trying the opposite gender for the new therapist. I think before you leave for Hawaii I would sit down with just your son and explain to him that you are going to be gone for 10 days and that you want him to think about your relationship while you are gone. When you return for you RELAXING AND RENEWING trip I would contact him and ask to meet again. I would at this time bring up trying a new therapist as his treatment of you is becoming borderline abusive. I would await his reaction and go from there. If he is not responsive to the therapy idea I think it might be time for another separation. I worry about your mental health and do not want it to suffer anymore at this point. I would be willing to work with you again after your trip to Hawaii to come up more of plan if you would like. Please just send me a message and we can discuss more. I hope you enjoy your trip and can truly relax and restrengthen your soul after all you have been through. Kate.

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