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KaterB1270
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience:  BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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Problems with father of 21 month old twins

Customer Question

The father of my 21 month old twins refuses to listen to advice when he has the children at his home. He has them sleep in his bed and has the tv on until at least 2am. What can I do?
We seperated when they were 3 weeks old and have a fantastic routine at home where they sleep in their own beds through the night and are very happy children. He has them every other weekend Friday through to Sunday and when they come back they always have dark circles under their eyes and are very ratty, so much so even our childminder has commented on the children's temperements on a Monday. He is a very defensive man and everyone I speak to have suggested getting social services involved but I dont really want to go down that route.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

KaterB1270 :

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KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience: BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
KaterB1270 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
YEs I certainly am :)
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

First off great job with your twins. They are lucky to have you as their mother. In your question you mention that he has visitation every other weekend. I am sure this is court appointed and monitored by the system. My best suggestion, as it seems you have already tried conventional methods, is to contact the courts. The way he is treating the children can be seen as neglect and should be brought to the attention of the courts. I know you said you didn't want to go this direction but I think for the benefit of your children you need to at this time. If I can be of any other help please don't hesitate to ask.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We have not gone through any legal forms of organising his visitation as I am petrified that he will pick the kids up one day and not bring them back. HE also has the children every Sunday daytime. I havent taken it further because of my fear of this but also as I know that he has lied in court (which he is very proud of) and got away with it as he is very convincing in front of other people. My cousin who works in Social Services has been urging me to take things further but Im just soo worried about the reprecusions from him. The last thing I want is for any harm to come to the children or for them to be taken away from me.

I have always done everything I can to make sure that he is happy with everything by changing his days if he wants a day/weekend off to go out etc.. but I dont feel that the respect is returned at all. Ive even asked him to meet me somewhere so we can sit down ad both discuss our feelings but he wont have any of it.

When we first split we went to relationship counselling for 3 sessions but it was all about him and how he lost his parents when he was 28 (now 33) and that is why he treated me the way he did whilst preganant and didnt help with the children when I could hardly walk once home (of which he made me discharge myself early as it was inconvenient for him to keep coming to the hospital).

Oooo its a long old story and I am so stuck but thinking that the legal route is probably the way forward but I really dont want to stop the children seeing their father as I believe it is important for them to see him all the time he is interested!

Sorry for rambling.
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
By hearing the rest of the story so to speak I have two concerns. First of all it sounds to me that he is abusive to you at least emotionally if not physically. I can tell you are scared of him in more ways than one. I am also concerned for the childrens safety. I definately think that you need to involve the courts at this time. I think you need to contact the social services now so that if anything ever were to happen you have done your part in getting the legal system involved. I know that in the past you have done so much to "keep the peace" which has probably emotionally drained you. It is now time for you to take care of yourself and stand up for what is right. If you truly fear that he will again lie in court I would bring that up in your initial meeting with the social worker. I also suggest you document everything you can. Take notes of anything that happens from here on. Every time he wants to change pick up or drop off times write it down. Keep notes on how the children behave upon return to you. It is important that the court sees a picture of how things are in your life and the stress it puts not only on you but also on the children. Children know so much more than you can imagine. Their minds are quite observent at this age and they are starting to make memories. For your safety and health you need to take action. If for some terrible reason your ex does retaliate then call the police and when your are able to ask for a protection order that will not allow him to be anywhere around you (100ft usually) and if he is around you will be a reason for arrest. Please feel free to ask more questions and hang in there things can only get better.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you, I think this is what I need to hear to give me that kick up the back side to get the ball rolling.

Amazing how much someone can pick up from an email! ;)

Thank you.
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

I have not personally been in this situation however have helped many friends and family members deal with similar situations. Please keep my name handy as I would be more than willing to help you along the way.

 

Kate

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!

 

Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.
I just wanted to follow up with you and see if I was of any assistance to you or if you needed any additional information. Please feel free to ask if anything seems unclear to you. Thanks, Kate

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