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KaterB1270
KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience:  BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
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Im really struggling with my 15 year old with regards XXXXX XXXXX

Resolved Question:

I'm really struggling with my 15 year old with regards XXXXX XXXXX listening. I work an hour away from where I live and lately everytime I tell him to do something he acts like he doesn't hear me and he totally disregards XXXXX XXXXX saying and I know its because I'm too far away to do anything about it.

Is there something that I can do to get him to understand that I mean what I say and get him to be responsible and do what he's supposed to be doing? It's really becoming a problem...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problem that you are having with your son. Are you telling him to do things over the phone? What is he doing instead of your requests? Thank you!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I generally give him instructions before I leave and over the phone in the course of the day. I told him today, for example, to get on the bus and come home and instead he went to McDonalds with a friend of his. He had taken the key to my SUV and got a copy made and was driving it while I was at work and he has no driver's license. When I talk to him about his behavior his answer is always, "I don't know!"
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Do you enforce any consequences for his disobedience?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes, he's on punishment now. But when I'm not around he just does stuff like he's not even on punishment.

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
So from what I can gather, your son has a great deal of unsupervised time to hang out? Is he involved in any sports? How are his grades? Are both parents living in the home? Thanks.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He enjoys scootering, but the other kids at the skate park are who I think influence him to do stupid things. His grades are good when he's focused. And no, both parents are not in the home. It's just me and him.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Are you the mom?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes I am
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
First of all, it is imperative that you and you son have a good relationship. Without a solid relationship, following rules will only lead to rebellious behavior. Family counseling might help you develop a stronger relationship. Your son may have some hidden hurts regarding why you and his other parent are no longer together. If your relationship seems fairly strong already, then you must sit down with your son and have an open and honest communication session with him. Retell him the rules that you expect him to follow and the consequences. Then discuss with him what he expects if he does not adhere to the consequences. With your son, you will need to reach a midpoint....some consequences that you both agree upon. Your son wants to feel like he is more independent but he is taking advantage of his freedom. Try to start rewarding him when he does follow the rules. If keep punishing him, he will never change. Children are more apt to change their behavior when rewards are involved. At his age, maybe monetary rewards may help or working toward a new scooter. When you want him to do things, tell him what you expect. If he has a fairly good week overall of obedience, reward him. When he does not follow the rules, start taking things away...phone, computer, etc. He has to earn them back through obedience. If he seems to have too much free time on his hands with the wrong crowd, talk about the actions of his friends rather than the friends themselves. If you attack his friends, he will feel like you are attacking him. He needs a lot more guidance and direction. His choices that he is making may not be the right ones but he wants to fit in with his peers. Do not give up on your son. Keep directing him to stay on the right path.

Have a wonderful day!
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 2 years ago.

After reading your post I would say you need to take about 5 steps backwards. You need to start by having a long talk with your son. The talk should go something like this. Son I love you and know it is difficult for you especially when I away at work. I would explain to him that if I could I wouldn't work so far away and would be home more than I am now. Then explain to him that you are not in a place to change these circumstances. Then I would approach the changes you hope to see in a team format. Tell him that you and he are a team and you need to work together. You will have to be willing to give him some decision making during this process. I would ask him flat out why he totally disregards XXXXX XXXXX doesn't behave in the way you ask. I would then ask him about how he thinks the house should run. Take notes on both of these questions. Some what a brainstorming session. Write down what you expect as well. Once all the information is on paper start discussing what you both have to have. For example it is a must that he do his homework right after school and you must be available during your time at home for him. I would then make a set of house rules from the discussion and post those in the house and on his phone if he has one. I suggest also setting consequences for him if he chooses to break one of the house rules. I would also discuss his friends and his choice of who he is around who are influencing him. I think maybe he needs to add some more friends (notice I don't say get rid of the ones he has now) so that he has some better influences to be around. I would also suggest getting him involved in some sort of after school or weekend activities where he would have a chance to gain some confidence as this too will add to his self respect as well as respect for you.

 

Kate

 

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KaterB1270, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 142
Experience: BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
KaterB1270 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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