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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
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do you have any suggestions i can give my wife so that she

Resolved Question:

do you have any suggestions i can give my wife so that she gets along better with my 9 year old son?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

What are the behaviors causing the conflict? How do they react to one another?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
one moment sorry
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Ok. we're not in the chat mode so the info will come to each other' s emails
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

he is bullying her . they do not react well with one and other .

we live together in the same house

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

are we in chat mode now

 

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Not in chat mode. You may list the issues that they are having and it would allow me more time to formulate a reply. It means you don't have to be online to get the response and you can always elaborate or add something else.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

it seams that they are alway conflicting with each other . There is name calling from one to another, he uses abusive language , he pushes her sometimes .

i think that she needs to get on his good side first ... if she wishes to correct the bad side ie. spend time with him , do things together , get interested in what he is interested in

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

The ideas you've got make sense. If there is name calling from him to her and vice versa, it is an indication that she's feeding into his behavior, which naturally will turn into a power struggle. Respect is mutual and is earned. She may try to start by being the adult in her responses to him. Meaning- setting limits and following up with consequences. This would mean at times being able to ignore his negative behavior i.e name calling and remain firm. Of course, you'd be back her up if you're at home and the two of you should think of consequences for specific behaviors so both of you use the same ones and are on the same page about how he is to be parented/disciplined.

Democratic style of parenting works better than an Authoritarian one. This allows the child to learn that even if privilege is taken away, it can be earned back by displaying desirable behavior. There are reasons why a child misbehaves such as attention seeking (even negative attention vs no attention), power, revenge or because of feeling inadequate . Below I've included a link on that based on Adlerian Psychology and the STEP (systematic training for effective parenting)

http://www.lifematters.com/step.asp

He may have a need to belong especially if he feels that she in some way is taking your attention from him. The two of you may speak about that as what he tells you may not be something he tells her. There have to be activities within the home that foster a sense of belonging and pride such as him helping you and her with certain things, being in charge of age related responsibilities, receiving positive feedback/praise and encouragement which are essential to the STEP module.

Your wife would have to monitor her reaction to him and figure out why his behavior is causing her to act a certain way versus another. She would want to change what she's been doing because it had not been effective and try to apply positive parenting techniques and how she speaks to him. She would want to avoid power struggles. She is the adult and he is the child. The two of them are not on the same level and she has to set an example to him.

I will be off line now and will check your response later in the day and reply accordingly.

 

Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
Dr. Rossi and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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