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Bonnie
Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  and pediatric nurse practitioner with 30 years of experience counseling parents.
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How to have communication open between parents and children.What

Resolved Question:

How to have communication open between parents and children.

What to do when teenage daughter does not want to ask questions about school work, activities,...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. Has your daughter always been so non communicative?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She tends to be on the quiet side. But the real reason that she does not want to answer me is that she does not want to me to judge her, tell her what to do such as prioritize her school work according to due date, importance of the subject,...etc. As to activities, I also have my input. Mainly, I want her to have focus. She tends to spread her self too thin.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Is she involved in too many activities?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She tends to initiate things but does not finish them. She did internship in the summer and kept working on it until a few weeks ago. I told her to stop doing it because he does not and can not put a lot of time into it. She took online course, join activities conflict in time, etc.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Do you judge your daughter when she talks? Do you listen attentively to all that she has to say?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I would not say that I judge. Of course I would make suggestions. I would tell her that she should do this than that. For example, if she spends a lot of time writing a history paper, I would tell her she should spend some time to prepare physics if there is a test coming rather than making a perfect history paper. I also told her to quit the internship because she did not spend a lot of time doing it so she might as well let other people do it. She did not like to tell me what was going on with the internship when I inquired. I believe she felt that I criticize her even though she think that I am right.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
I am having Internet connection problems. Another expert will assist you. : /
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ok
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
Hello and thank you for using JA,
I see your question is not fully answered.

First of all this is such typical adolescent behavior. In order to keep communication open, have a talk with daughter. Tell her your mixed feelings about wanting to help her yet not wanting her to feel judged by your advice. Work out an agreement with her about ways she can let you know when your advice is welcome (i.e., she will ask went she wants it) or ways that you can give her advice without offending her. Actually talk about what wording feels judgmental (i.e., "you should do _____". You might say..."one way to do this would be ________. That is my vote on how you should handle this but get different opinions and then...make your own decision".

I hope that you will find this approach helpful and good luck.....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your answer. What's the best approach if she is not enthusiastic about having a conversation.
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
It is best to lay back and what for the right time and right mood. Even children who are not talkers, will occasionally open up (I am sure you've seen this here and there). Trouble is, when they are in the mood, you have to be able to drop everything and listen non-judmentally. (I have some personal experience with this!! LOL) Then, introduce the content that I mentioned above.

Hope this helps...
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks. What's the best way to stop a sudden scream? Say all of a sudden, she would scream when she thought of something stressful.
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
I am not so sure you CAN stop this. It sounds like a reflex...like a sneeze. It is her reaction to her thought. I would ask her what she is thinking about and maybe it will open some commnication.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, it's from pressure, feeling not enough time to complete a task (homework or activities) to how to face dilemmas. I told her not to scream, she can calmly state the problems. I also told her, her screams startle people. So far,it has not helped. Would impose some consequence help?
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
I would not impose a consequence. It is more likely to stop of you ignore it. Seems to be a valve release for her. She may need it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
But it really annoying. People got scared by the sudden scream or got their ears hurt.
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
If you punish her, it will cause her more anxiety because she may not be doing this voluntarily and has little control over it. You might ask her to muffle it by covering her mouth but I don't even think she will be conscious of it enough to do that. At least a sneeze gives us a warning so we can cover our mouth. When I answer a question about a child, I try to put myself in their shoes. Like I said, I think she needs this pop-valve reaction to release tension.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Is there a way to lessen it if not totally stop it?
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
You can ask her to try to muffle it with her hand but I doubt she will be able to. Or you could ask her to give a quieter noise, but again, I doubt it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It seems like there is nothing that would help. She only does it with people she is completely comfortable with, so she can control herself depend on whom she is with. Does that change your answer?
Expert:  Bonnie replied 2 years ago.
It changes it a little.....when she is with people she is comfortable with she is able to release the pop valve. When she is holding it in (when not appropriate) but it is at a cost perhaps fatigue and irritability. I am not seeing this as a defiant behavior that needs to be disciplined but rather a necessary relief.

I hope some of the information has been helpful. Good luck and warm wishes,
Please press ACCEPT. Thank you.
Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: and pediatric nurse practitioner with 30 years of experience counseling parents.
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