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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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My daughter has befriended a girl from another state online

Customer Question

My daughter has befriended a girl from another state online "tumbler" and invited her to the house back in July of this year. At first I was Ok with it until my husband said he felt uncomfortable letting someone we don't know come into my house. I later on spoke to her mother on the phone and was setting everything up until I learned something new. My daughter thinks she is gay and has expressed these feeling to the girl who says she is also gay. I am not comfortable with this and told my daughter that I was not ok with her visiting us. Well a couple of months have passed. My daughter is away in college and just turned 18 this week. Last night the other girl's mother sent me a message asking if I was aware that my daughter was visiting them for 2 weeks during her break. I had no idea. She told me that her daughter already bought my daughter the plane ticket and she felt that I should know. The mother does not know that her daughter might be gay and I told her that I would not tell her because that is something she has to discuss with her mother and it's not my place to do this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Gupta replied 3 years ago.

ParentingMD :

I honestly feel that at 18 years we as parents cannot really 'force' our way of thinking on our children.

ParentingMD :

This is also the age of sexual experimentation,

ParentingMD :

and while your daughter may or may not be gay,

ParentingMD :

that is in itself NOT something to be unduly worried about since it is a natural state of affairs

ParentingMD :

She may want to test her adult relationship and boundaries, and then decide about her sexual preferences

ParentingMD :

Your concern should be directed more towards her physical and mental well being in general, her academic performance, and what / how she wants to move ahead in her life

ParentingMD :

Remember that while this is an important part of her life, it is NOT what she is all about

ParentingMD :

So try to be friendly, non - judgmental and offer your opinion as and when solicited.

ParentingMD :

I know it is very easy for us parents to try to 'guide' the child as per our experiences

ParentingMD :

but try resisting that urge, and let her find out more about herself, and adult relationships in a complicated world

ParentingMD :

I hope this makes some sense,

ParentingMD :

Please remember to accept the answer by pressing the GREEN accept button, do get back for any clarifications

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am confused because I feel as if I'm betraying the other mother by not telling her everything i know if my daughter does decide to go visit them. The fact that she is planning to visit these people that we don't really know also bothers me.
Expert:  Dr. Gupta replied 3 years ago.
I understand that, but she is 18 years now, and in my opinion your initial instinct about letting two 'adults' discuss their relationship with their parents is appropriate,
it can be difficult to let go, especially if we believe that our children are making incorrect choices, but it is the way forward,
Talk to a relative / friend if possible to put your mind at ease regarding the same :)
Warm regards
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. Open and honest communication is always the best policy no matter what age your children are. The other mother deserves the right to know if she has no idea about the gay issue. She may not want such behavior in her house. At least she will be aware and can decide from there what to do. Keeping secrets about the issue is not healthy for anyone.

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