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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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Hi, Im devatated right now, I sent mym17 year son to live

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Hi, I'm devatated right now, I sent mym17 year son to live with his dad and I'm so sad and depressed. I live in Miami and his father lives Jersey. Last weekend his dad got married and my son was attending his wedding, after numerous times of threading my son " I'm going to send you to your dads if you keep behaving this way". Over and over again for almost 3 yrs. My son was spiriling downwards. In 9th grade I allowed him to be with his friends after school little by little, giving him some freedom here and there because I always raised my son to be more at home, not be outside only to someones house with parents supervision the whole 9 yards super stroked. But at some point he got caught with the wrong crowd and he began to misbehave and not following the house rules.grades were going down...just a rebellious kid. I've raised him alone since he was 3yrs old then remarried when he was 8/9 yrs old. I would catch him doing things hes not suppose to be doing and after constant and draining trying to discipline him I decided to put him in rehab for 3 months but I think their he learned more. He behaved for a little while but my mistakemwasmi never changed his schoolmi put him back there. I believed he has to man up and face it and just not do it no more. Huge mistake it just escalated moremwrong friends bad mouthing me, sneaking out. Respecting me and his step dad. Trying to pull a fast one on me and my husband. I've literally slept for two weeks on the sofa so he won't sneak out and had my keys under my pillowe. I would throw away crap in his room then he would get it again and have the odasity of literally putting in his draw with absolute no respect to me if I would find/see it. The last draw was that he took my car remote key from my key chain and never put it back. Then lied about it then on top of that my husband found it in his dresser draw right next to his garage didn't care if I saw it ther he has no respect nor consideration towards me at all. I never told him he was staying and I've always told his dad he would but apparently no one believe I would actually do it. I took my son to the airport he barely took any clothes because he packed at 4am when we had to leave to the airport at 4:30am the wedding was on Saturday and I confirmed with his dad in Friday. And on Sunday his & wife told him and of course he curse me out. But prior to that his dad and wife called me. His dad said to me "what are you doing to me? I have no room for him at my house, that in December he is getting some surgery so he won't be working for a while, blah blah blah. Thismguy owes me like 25-30,000 in child support now is when he is paying, and he has the nerve to tell me this. I told him " sorry, you need to step up to the plate". When you get surgery we'll see what we do, but he needs to be over there because over here he will end up in jail.. He was so bad. But now I feel so guilty so guilty you have no idea.. I raised him and I feel like I should put up With it and just pray to God he straightens up. He is my responsibility not theirs. He started school and he hates it, he hates me , he won't speak to me just text me asking me when he's coming back home. Every morning I text him i love him have a good day and every night too. I text him like 3 times a day but he won't answer my text/calls. I hate this. I want him back but mynhusband tells me what was the point? I just wanted him yo realize I'm here and my husband too, he has been more of a dad than his own dad. His dad only came to visit him like once a year if that. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him there but for how long? His dad already told me " I'm giving this 1 month 1/2 trial base and see what happends. What!? This is not Cable TV hello... I feel like my son doesn't belong there., butmover there he won't have it easy. He would to buy his things, work go to church etc. Did I do the right thing? When I sent him to Rehab, he told all his friends and that was bad, it gave him a reputation he would never be able to get of. He was stereo typed by all the teachers and staff. I would be willing to even move to Jersy but realistically it's way too expensive and me and my husband work really hard to bring our expenses down to where we can afford it. Pls I need advise pls help and give me some suggestion.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing now. What you must ask yourself is two questions: Which parent can provide more structure and discipline for your son and 2. How much longer could you function in a healthy manner with the antics of your son? It seems that you may have just needed a well deserved break from your son. The separation may do you both some good. His dad needs to see first hand what you have been dealing with and the frustration you have been feeling. I get the feeling that you do want your son to return back home but before he does, there must be stricter rules and stricter consequences. Just continue texting your son and leaving him a message from time to time. He will be back home. Mothers and sons share a very unique bond.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes I guess it wll be more stricked atnhis dad's, his new wife won't tolerate his bad beaheviour plus he won't dare to desrespect her and no I can't continue living in a unhealthy manner putting up with all his antics. I thought that i would send him for a little while so he'll know I'm not bluffing but before i realized it I was sending his clothes and withdrawing him from school here. We do have a special bond, I'm afraid he will forever hate me and we loose that unique bond we have after 14+ years of raising him. Thank you
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
No, no, no. Your son will always love you. He will realize that living with you was better than with his dad and new wife. Enjoy the break from him. Your life will be less stressful for the time being. That special bond will never go away. As he matures, it will resurface!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
But how much time should I leave him there. He's in 11th grade and this is crucial year. I would have to move from where Im now which my husband wouldn't mind anyways. I'm confused as to how much time, my husband feels he should stay there and finish the school year at least. By the way he is my only child, unable to have any other kids.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
From an educational stand point, he should finish the school year out and keep his grades up. Maybe being around different friends will have a positive effect on him as well.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
You are welcome.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi hopefully you remember our last consultation. I wanted to consult with you., regarding my same situation. How do I ask another question making sure your my expert adviser?
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
You can ask the question in this thread. I will receive it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok. Thanks.. I finally sent my son, he wasn't to happy neither was his dad nor his new wife. But wharves, was firm and with my decision and like it or not his dad needed to step up to the plate. My question and concerns are... He's been ther for about a month and my son has given them a hard time. At first his dads wife was taking control of the whole situation, being stroked with my son.. Giving him boundaries, rules etc., his dad however was not receptive to the entire idea basically put the burden to his new wife while he worked Over time. my son hates it there, hates school has no friends is miserable the whole nine yards. He does have two cousins his age he can hang out with. My concern is this, his dad when frustrated or maybe even annoyed with my son actually I'm not sure what triggers him to act nasty towards me. Insults me and offends me every time my son acts out of line and immediately tells me.. I'm sending him back! He doesn't listen he doesn't respect blah blah blah... But my thing is this, it seems like she has had it too with him, apparently she thought my son cut class when he didn't and instead of finding out for sure immediately she texted me saying pay for your sons ticket back cuz he cut school ( when he didn't) he's disrespectful he doesn't listen. My son feels like he isn't wanted there. So I feel bad and of course send him then, but I'm only saying that because I went with my emotions feeling bad for my son when in reality I know that regardless that his may or may not want him there, my son will get in trouble here possibly with the law, hanging out with his looser friends. My son also manipulates me because he knows I will always defend him. My husband is furious telling me I should leave him there that son hasn't really learned anything in only a month which I agree but I feel sad know he knows they really don't want him there. But unusually on Friday them three went put shopping for black Friday all honky dory I guess. But then today everything went back to usual fighting my son with them, me with his dad and my son now tells me he feels like no one wants him... Great now I feel awful. Should I leave him knowing that his dad is an idiot towards me. I don't even want to communicate with him ever after he text me cursing at me telling I'm an unfit mother that because of me our son is like this. That's not true I raised him for 17 yrs I've put his dad in jail 3 times for child support....really? I don't know what to do...that's best for my son..
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hello and good to hear from you again. Leave your son at his dad's house until the Winter break. It sounds like you are the only one who cares about your son even through his disrespect. After the Winter break, allow him to return back to your house . When he returns, sit down with him and your current husband. Create a written contract of rules that he must follow and have all parties sign the contract. If he breaks the rules 3 times, you must either send him back to his dad' s house, enroll him in a different school and/or seek professional family therapy to learn intervention and coping strategies so that you all can get along amicably. I get the feeling that deep down inside, you really want to help your son stay on the right track and change. It sounds like your son has a great deal of anger a depression. Individual counseling would really help him as well. Your options are very limited. If you had the money, a boot camp type school could really whip him into shape. That may be an option that you might want to investigate. Hope this provided you with some insight.

Have a blessed day!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much. I spoke with my husband and decided to sent for him, one day before school starts agin. He is furious because they don't want to even pay for his ticket, but I don't care to pay. I agree with your plan of action. I will definitely enforce individual counseling for my son, it would've been cheaper if his dad would've just established a relationship with his son, I strongly believe 100% my son wouldve been a changed kid., I know for sure those are his deep rooted issues. Now he hates his dad which is sad, because at least before he had hope. As far as the step parent role, do you think its ok my husband is the disciplinary parent, I mean he's had him since he was 6, I've been the one taking the role of everything in his life but I feel that even though I'm stroked apparently I'm not stroked enough. My husband is very good with not giving him money if he doesn't work for that sort of thing not me I'm a softy. Legally can he be not just a step dad but take 100% role as a dad
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Yes...your husband can be the authoritative father figure and take on that role if he is willing to be consistent and persistent. That is the key!
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
You are so very welcome. If you need more assistance in the future and would like to request me, just type "For Jordan1314 only" at the beginning of your question and I can help you. Take care and many blessings for a happy holiday season.

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