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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
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My 11 year-old daughter hates my boyfriend who Ive been with

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My 11 year-old daughter hates my boyfriend who I've been with for over a year. It's not personal, she misses her dad who she sees often, but she's making my life very stressful with her behaviour and abuse. My older two girls don't have a problem with him. Any advice please!

Hi,

 

How does she express the feeling of hate towards him? Can you share a couple of examples of situations that bring on the stress?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He doesn't have to do anything to get abused. Just walking in the door and she will say hello fatty. He generally ignores it but on holiday she started throwing fruit at him! I could tell he was getting stressed to but he never rises to it. He doesn't have kids so doesn't know how to react to her.

Her behavior may seem as antagonizing and that may very well be her intent. Another possibility is that through her acting out, she is testing him (to see if he would reject discipline her)

Regardless of her trigger (because she's doing this purposefully whatever her reason is), he should not remain passive. He may try to redirect her attention onto something else such as :when she says hello fatty, he may say something like "I wonder what that label is supposed to mean, or he can joke Oh, I suppose I can work out and ask her if she works out, etc. He is not ignoring the behavior but at the same time is not feeding into it. Avoidance can imply or be interpreted by her as passive aggressive response.

The two of them may benefit from some bonding activities ex: if you would ever be able to entrust them with a task at the house or have them go to the story to buy something, etc. He can try to find at least 2 things to compliment her on and things that he encourages in her behavior ex: if she is good in a specific are in school for him to show interest in, if she is athletic, creative, etc. For the time being, continue to talk to her that he is not trying to be her dad, that she is not supposed to act like he is one (she can do that with her own dad) but simply to treat him the same way he treats her. When she does, even the slightest improvement can be praised by you (to reshape her behavior with positive reinforcement) If she is the youngest, she may be still developing her own coping ways (and that takes time) and ,that is why she reacts differently to him than the other kids.

 

 

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