How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask proexpert37 Your Own Question

proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
49595756
Type Your Parenting Question Here...
proexpert37 is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have 3 kids (girls) from a previous marriage , ages 9, 12,

Resolved Question:

I have 3 kids (girls) from a previous marriage , ages 9, 12, & 18. I have remarried and have a stepson who is also 9 yrs. old.The kids have really done a great job of helping each other blend our new family, I was surprised to be honest , that the 4 kids were so understanding of each other. Not that we haven't had our problems , we have indeed. We have always worked it out by talking as a family and making adjustments that were good for any or all involved .It has been 3 yrs now and the only real problems have always come from people outside saying I give my kids too many rights. They say my kids should learn to do and feel what adults tell them to do or feel.
The issue at hand now, I've been called a bad parent (to put it nicely)
My youngest daughter who is 9 and my stepson who is also 9 have come to act like the typical siblings , they play together ,fight with each other, go to the same school, both in 4th grade but 2 different class rooms. They always seem to be together most of the time, and really don't fuss & fight as much as I did with my brothers growing up.I feel truly Blessed that they do so well .Considering my daughter had to give up her place as baby of the family and the stepson give up his place as the only child , to share the place they are in. My daughter only sees her Dad on the way to and from church on Sunday mornings and for a while on Wednesday night church.She was in a small class of only 3 kids and her step mom was the teacher.This to my daughter was still time with her Dad that she craves so much.Somehow the step mom and her 2 yr old son(my child's 1/2 brother)were still a part of Daddy time even when Dad was not there.I understand. She and my other 2 daughters see very little of Dad. Anyway, the X-husband and his wife asked if my stepson could come along to church with my daughter.Without thinking I said if he wanted to go it was fine with me.He went a couple of times and my daughter told him she would rather he not go anymore.So I saw the boys feelings were hurt and asked my daughter what was up.She explained to me that her step brother likes to make a big deal of things and even make up stories to get attention and this few minutes a week was her time to have Dad and step mom 's attention,and she wanted it to be her and Daddy's time .I sat them down and explained to the boy why she was upset and he said he understood and was no longer hurt, then they went off to play.We decided the boy would not go with them anymore,but we would find a church he could go to, to enjoy Sunday school.
Then step mom calls me to tell me I was totally wrong in letting my daughter get away with being so selfish and I let my kids make choices that only adults should be making.She says if she is not picking up both kids ,then she will not take my daughter either. I tell her that they are not puppies the are little people with minds to think with and hearts to feel with and they do have rights .I am here to try to teach them how to make the right choices not tell them what they have to do like it or not. Some things yes parents have to make choices for them and teach them why i made that choice for them, not just because i said so. We have a lot of family meetings around here,and the kids don't always get what they want, they get what i think is best for them after we talk it out and EVERYONE has a chance to make their feelings known.My kids all 4 are people not pets.My daughter is upset that the few crumbs she was getting from her Dad are gone now. Did I handle this right in your opinion?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for using Just Answer. First of all, I applaud you for having such important family meetings. Also, I praise you for the way you handled the situation with the ex wife. Not attending the same church was a very mature and wise move. However, another solution must be agreed upon so that your daughter can see her dad. She obviously valued her relationship with her dad even if the time was so brief. Try to come up with a solution so that your daughter will not feel like her feelings were neglected. Can your ex take her to the park at least once a month or participate in another activity. Her dad should at least think of another alternative to see each other as well.

Have a blessed day.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It has been a real battle trying to make Dad and his wife understand how important it is for the girls to spend time with him. I can't force him to want to spend time with them. He never wants to make time for them. As long as the girls go to this church with them , they get a few minutes twice a week, on the ride to and from. The older girls have pretty much given up on any real Daddy time. When they complain , they are told he doesn't want to hear their drama and BS.
I tossed aside the visitation plan and told him, the kids can have any and/or all the time he can spare when ever he can ,so that there is no reason to ,not see them.He and his new wife and 2 yr old son live only 6 mile from us and I will change my plans around anytime he needs me to do so. I have begged this man to be a part of their world.I even told him, if I am them problem, I can send the kids out to him for pick up and he never has to see or speak to me. The man lost his job the 29th of May and did not go back to work for 2 1/2 months. The kids were out of school for summer break the same 2 1/2 months.Never one time did he see the girls outside the church. 700 excuses , but no Dad.They are not allowed to tell him how they feel, it's called drama & BS.He says he is not going to kiss their behinds and let them try to pull his new family into all the drama.
It is so hard to try to help them understand that these girls have feeling and are allowed to get upset when Dad does not see or feel what they need him to hear.
In the beginning (2008) the kids and I had no idea he was unhappy and planning to leave .It was a total shock to me and the kids, after 23 yrs of marriage you would think I would have seen it coming.But it happens,to marriages, not to the realationship between you and your kids.These kids have worked so hard to accept so very many things just for that small peice of Dad's time.It has been very hard for them after they found out that he left them to be with my best friend of 8 yrs. a family friend they all loved very much.
I closed up a part of me and bit my lip to try to make this even a little easier for the girls. After the first few months I even let everyone believe that I did not want to give up my best friend, i still loved her and we can break all the rules and still be best friends, so the kids would never have to play the divorce game , hate one to love another.It did not work for long, even the kids noticed Mom was doing all the giving and they the demanding.I still wish so hard and pray that somehow before it is too late,that this man who fathered these amazing little people would soften his heart and let him know them as the people they each are, they are great kids .And each have very different and wonderful hearts,minds, and souls, that he is missing out on.
Emotional abuse is always what the girls end up with from Dad and his wife, it is very sad. It does not have to be.Both their Dad and I have remarried and have our own new families.There is NO reason they can't be a part of both.I don't know what to do from this point. Trying to make it all ok for everyone has not done anything but make the x-husband expect even more from me.I don't have much left, and it really hurts deep to let them tell me what a bad parent I am because I don't agree with the new wife.
the two older kids 12 & 18 don't want to try anymore and the 9 yr old just had the door slammed in her face the 3rd - 4th time. I am feeling like a bad parent now because I keep the door open in hopes someday Dad will wake up and salvage some kind of realationship with his girls.My hope is wearing thin each time he breaks a heart. I don't think he really wants to see them at all anymore, he just does not come out and say it.So what do I do now ?
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
You are correct in the fact that you cannot make your ex change the way he feels about your girls. His new wife is probably manipulating his every move. Unfortunately, your girls and you are suffering. I would suggest that at least your youngest seek counseling so as to learn how to deal with such a frustrating situation at such a young age. Ask your daughter's pediatrician for a referral for a counselor and or psychologist. That might be the best route to go. She needs some intervention and coping strategies on an on going basis.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/jhollo77/2010-2-6_651_Avatar.jpg Jennifer's Avatar

    Jennifer

    School Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/VO/vodkas25/2012-1-29_16528_P1010831.64x64.JPG professional_Alison's Avatar

    professional_Alison

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    40
    Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/KaterB1270/2012-5-2_17226_016.64x64.jpg KaterB1270's Avatar

    KaterB1270

    Teacher

    Satisfied Customers:

    18
    BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/Kansastherapist/2012-6-13_171911_4upon20120220at14.64x64.jpg KansasTherapist's Avatar

    KansasTherapist

    LSCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    17
    17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg NormanM's Avatar

    NormanM

    Author, lecturer and psychotherapist.

    Satisfied Customers:

    16
    ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered