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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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i wanted to thank you very much for your time, patience and

Customer Question

i wanted to thank you very much for your time, patience and all you told me. you made me think about a lot. i have been praying about my move to tennessee, but i am trusting god with that timing and asking his direction with everything. you have made me feel more at ease about everything.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.

You are so very welcome. God will lead you in the right direction. He has a plan for you and your daughter and it will happen in His time. Just be patient.

 

If you ever need any more advice, please contact me. I would love to hear back from you to see how things are going.

 

You will be in my prayers.Innocent

 

Take care,

 

Erica (that's my real name)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thx erica, you are very awesome. god bless you always and i will be glad to let you know how things go. when i go back to work tomorrow, i have to talk with my store manager about more info on my transfer and a job opening he asked me if i was interested in. i left him a note that i am still interested in the job even though i have an active transfer going. transfers can take months, so i left the note that i am still interested in the opening. i would like to talk with you more about it, if there is a way to email you but not thru this site. would it be ok to email you regarding this as it does and will affect my daughter and my move. thx again. you have been a blessing, diane
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.

Unfortunately as experts for Just Answer, we are not able to contact the customers outside of this site. However, if you have further questions and concerns, I can answer them for you and then can request to have the question/answer blocked-locked so that it can not be viewed by anybody else including you. That is always an option if you are concerned about privacy issues. That is all that I can offer you. So just request me any time for your future needs and I will always be here to assist you. You can even type for "Jordan1314 Only" at the beginning of your question so that it will be reserved for me. Jordan1314 is my expert name.

 

So do keep in touch. Have a blessed day.

Erica

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi erica, i have been wanting to write u again but have not known what to do about some things so i stay busy at work and time flies. I also wanted to b on my laptop, not my cell phone...i will make time today to update u. Thx much for caring, diane
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Ok...write when you can and as much as you desire. I am always here to help you. Take care,

Erica
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hope all is well. Let me know when you have the time. Erica
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The grace of god and his loving embrace....i am always praying for his guidance and direction. I work till 10:30 pm. Hope to go online tonight. I feel like such a mess.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Ok..take all the time you need to respond.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thx much for ur patience and caring. Not having the best of days today. But one day at a time...talk soon
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
No problem.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi erica, i finally got here. didn't have the best of days, but home is worse. i don't know how to handle anything here. heather is not the easiest to live with, and doesn't contribute to much of anything, from helping around the house to paying for any expenses. i now have her paying $150/mo r&b because she was going to move out and her rent would have been $300 and she asked me to pay half cause she could not afford it. i could not move to alabama so i told her she could not move because i could not afford to help pay that rent along with my other expenses. she could pay me the $150 she would have paid for the other rent. she has a part time job because she is full time college and not much for job openings...not to mention she procrastinates and has no real ambition to go after things, like look into unemployment office for other jobs, better jobs, etc. recently my ex visited my older brother in ct and was talked to about not leaving heather to 'fend for herself'. ron [my ex] is from PA and i believe that is where he would move to if/when i leave here. ron got home and gave me a talking to that my brother jim gave him not to leave heather.....jim tends to get close and protective of heather. his daughter is 6 months older than heather and since ron has not really been around heather growing up, jim is not her dad, but is concerned for her just as much. jim asked heather to write his kids names in japanese for a special something and she made sure she got it all done and mailed to him. i so wish he could advise her on a job and she could get one. jim and karen [jim's wife] told me heather still needs me to stay here so she has a home because she is too young to be on her own as they are there for when their daughter christina comes home from college. they have a totally different life that their family is together there in closeby cities and i have no family in northeast vermont. my parents are in alabama, [hopefully] soon to move to knoxville where my younger brother and his family live. i can and will transfer my work to knoxville but at this point, i don't see heather moving out any time soon. she has been with her boyfriend [joseph] for 5 yrs. his mom and i say it is inevitable they will stay together, get married, etc, but for not they are just kids and appear to be staying that way. joseph has not hinted to heather about getting engaged in any way, but we all feel he might be waiting till she is done college. she is now jr in nearby college that she commutes to but can live in a dorm there [like my son does]. heather WILL NOT move to knoxville, doesn't like the south [i firmly believe she is predjudice] because if she were to move with me her relationship with joseph is over because he won't do a long distance anything. so i am told to hang in there, stick it out, etc until next spring at least. i have pretty much accepted living here another winter, but somehow i doubt i will be able to leave next spring either. heather will b 21 on 11/23, but the way i see it, she has it made with our 'living situation' now, so why should she do much of anything else. her dad tells me 'she will have to learn to grow up sometime', 'what is she going to do when we move away next spring?' i am not happy with anything i am living with or told, but i keep getting asked 'what am i going to do about this or that...' almost like heather's problems if i were to leave are mine to figure out. i don't like to, don't want to be responsible for things that are not my responsibility. after all, heather is an adult, although she is so much a kid and is enjoying living with mom, who has and continues to take care of pretty much everything. she does have her part time job, but i don't see any $$ help. i could save so much if i moved---i would not have half the expenses i have now....heather's car is in my name, so i pay registration and ins until i leave, then we go to dmv and i get everything transferred to her name and she is responsible for that car and future vehicles in every way. i can't really say i like my life. i love being at work, because i don't know what heather's mood will b towards me and basically i just stay in my room pretty much. i pray a lot, have my christian music playing in my mind most of the time and i try to keep myself focused on god, asking his guidance/direction and knowing in my heart he is with me. he hears the depths of my heart and he loves me the same...he comforts my heart and is the only way i live---his grace is enough, all covered with his love.
sorry for the medium sized novel, but it feels good to tell you, talk about it--i don't have anyone i can talk with out this or much of anything. thx for letting me vent. god bless you, i am thankful u r the person you are--god's direction and timing are perfect....i am still trying to b patient and let him do what he will. take care and god bless always, diane
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
T
hi erica, i finally got here. didn't have the best of days, but home is worse. i don't know how to handle anything here. heather is not the easiest to live with, and doesn't contribute to much of anything, from helping around the house to paying for any expenses. i now have her paying $150/mo r&b because she was going to move out and her rent would have been $300 and she asked me to pay half cause she could not afford it. i could not move to alabama so i told her she could not move because i could not afford to help pay that rent along with my other expenses. she could pay me the $150 she would have paid for the other rent. she has a part time job because she is full time college and not much for job openings...not to mention she procrastinates and has no real ambition to go after things, like look into unemployment office for other jobs, better jobs, etc. recently my ex visited my older brother in ct and was talked to about not leaving heather to 'fend for herself'. ron [my ex] is from PA and i believe that is where he would move to if/when i leave here. ron got home and gave me a talking to that my brother jim gave him not to leave heather.....jim tends to get close and protective of heather. his daughter is 6 months older than heather and since ron has not really been around heather growing up, jim is not her dad, but is concerned for her just as much. jim asked heather to write his kids names in japanese for a special something and she made sure she got it all done and mailed to him. i so wish he could advise her on a job and she could get one. jim and karen [jim's wife] told me heather still needs me to stay here so she has a home because she is too young to be on her own as they are there for when their daughter christina comes home from college. they have a totally different life that their family is together there in closeby cities and i have no family in northeast vermont. my parents are in alabama, [hopefully] soon to move to knoxville where my younger brother and his family live. i can and will transfer my work to knoxville but at this point, i don't see heather moving out any time soon. she has been with her boyfriend [joseph] for 5 yrs. his mom and i say it is inevitable they will stay together, get married, etc, but for not they are just kids and appear to be staying that way. joseph has not hinted to heather about getting engaged in any way, but we all feel he might be waiting till she is done college. she is now jr in nearby college that she commutes to but can live in a dorm there [like my son does]. heather WILL NOT move to knoxville, doesn't like the south [i firmly believe she is predjudice] because if she were to move with me her relationship with joseph is over because he won't do a long distance anything. so i am told to hang in there, stick it out, etc until next spring at least. i have pretty much accepted living here another winter, but somehow i doubt i will be able to leave next spring either. heather will b 21 on 11/23, but the way i see it, she has it made with our 'living situation' now, so why should she do much of anything else. her dad tells me 'she will have to learn to grow up sometime', 'what is she going to do when we move away next spring?' i am not happy with anything i am living with or told, but i keep getting asked 'what am i going to do about this or that...' almost like heather's problems if i were to leave are mine to figure out. i don't like to, don't want to be responsible for things that are not my responsibility. after all, heather is an adult, although she is so much a kid and is enjoying living with mom, who has and continues to take care of pretty much everything. she does have her part time job, but i don't see any $$ help. i could save so much if i moved---i would not have half the expenses i have now....heather's car is in my name, so i pay registration and ins until i leave, then we go to dmv and i get everything transferred to her name and she is responsible for that car and future vehicles in every way. i can't really say i like my life. i love being at work, because i don't know what heather's mood will b towards me and basically i just stay in my room pretty much. i pray a lot, have my christian music playing in my mind most of the time and i try to keep myself focused on god, asking his guidance/direction and knowing in my heart he is with me. he hears the depths of my heart and he loves me the same...he comforts my heart and is the only way i live---his grace is enough, all covered with his love.
sorry for the medium sized novel, but it feels good to tell you, talk about it--i don't have anyone i can talk with out this or much of anything. thx for letting me vent. god bless you, i am thankful u r the person you are--god's direction and timing are perfect....i am still trying to b patient and let him do what he will. take care and god bless always, diane
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Greetings to you Diane. You have to do what is best for you. If you keep worrying about Heather and trying to coddle her all of the time, you will remain emotionally distraught and she will keep on hanging on to the easy lifestyle that she has. You need to do what you want to do. Sit down and ask God to give you the direction for your life. Heather will be alright. There are many people in your life telling you what to do. But think of this: When do you plan on letting Heather "grow up"? How will she learn to be an adult? If she sees you all depressed and not motivated to seek your dreams, then that is exactly how she will behave. She will not have a sense of urgency to go after anything but hopefully completely her degree. You are so alone even with XXXXXXX XXving with you. Therefore, that's a sign that you need to be by more of your family. You need that emotional support system. When you do move, Heather will not be out on the streets. She will be forced to grow up real fast and make some adult decisions and that is exactly what she needs. God gives us our children to raise and then we must let them go out into the world to become contributing members to society. Let go and let God. You will be free. You will be fine. Heather will be fine.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Jordan...I hope u r still there. Major issue needing assistance. I met an awesome guy (Chris) and our relationship just took off and growing strong. The issue is that I want to move out from where I have been with Ron and heather for many years. Heather is out of college for summer and trying to work more for more $$. Makes sense. I have also asked her about getting a place with a friend to share expenses. Her brother josh said he would b glad to help share rent; etc. Ron asked me if I was planning to move out. I said yes. He said I could not move out or he would sue me for abandoning heather. I told him heather is a legal adult (21) and she can stay living there with him. I said I asked my landlord since I am onnmonth to month and it is only my name for last 17 or so years if Ron can b put on lease instead of me so they can stay living there. No reply from landlord yet but Ron said he didn't want it and he would sue me for abandoning heather. If I didn't understand what he was saying he would have my olderbro (Jim) talk to me and if I still didn't listen Ron would get my dad to talk to me. Except for heather not really having another placeto live yet....I don't think Ron can do anything to me. I also don't think I am abandoning heather. She and josh know how happy I am and that is all they want is for me to b happy. Please advise. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong. Just want to bhappy and move on. Thx for ur help! Diane cobb
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hi Diane. It is so good to hear from you. You will not be abandoning Heather if you move. Do not allow Ron to try and brainwash you. Maybe Heather and her friends can find another place to live so that you do not have to worry about putting Ron's name on the lease which he probably will not accept. Is there another place that Heather can live? Please keep in touch!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good talking with u again. Wish I was just telling u I met someone and have not ever felt so good or happy being with someone. God provides. That is another awesome thing. Chris and I r best friends, pray together and talk about everything. I don't know how to find or get heather an apartment she will want. Biggest thing is her getting more hours so she can afford an apartment and things that go with it. Kind of scarey for me to think about. My mind swims thinking of what she can do. Another thing she might have on her mind is she hasn't been able to pay me room n board ($150) since January but she just got back from a school trip to Russia. She procrastinated and lost an awesome apartment from her boyfriends grandmother at $100/mo rent. Couldn't find that anywhere! Seems like she wants to live free and easy at home. I was told to b firm and tell her she needs to get something else but she just cries she can't afford it and is panicky. Not sure what to do much except don't want to b in the house when he is there. Is Ron able to sue me for abandoning XXXXXXX XXke he told me he would? I ask because he said he would get my brother to talk to me and then my dad. Where do I stand in all of this? Please help me. I just want to b happy! Take care and God bless always...
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Although I am not a legal expert, how can Ron sue you? Heather is not a minor child. What are you doing wrong? I think there is a block that you do not want to let Heather go completely. If you keep enabling her by always bailing her out or making excuses, she will keep using you because she knows that you will always come to her rescue. She needs take more responsibility and realize that you cannot keep supporting her. What about her dad? Where is his financial contribution? Why doesn't she live with or near him. You have been through so much and now you deserve to be happy!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Jordan....sorry I have not gotten back to u. I have been without Internet and cell svc since Saturday. Chris and I r moved into our new home and very happy/excited. Anyway...I am and have been more than happy to let heather move on but she always has something to cry or complain about that she cant afford things causes she was in school and worked part time and could not do more than she was. She had one excuse after another. Heather talked with me most of the time unless she needed more help. I saw no reason her dad could not help. She didn't like to b around her dad much. He just got on her nerves in different ways to the point she didn't want to b in the same room with him. Talked with her recently and her dad offered her to live in the trailer for 6months and c how it goes. She said no. I asked my landlord I pay rent to the trailer about Ron taking over paying rent and they live there. Landlord. (Colby) said ok but want him to sign a paper he will pay $500/month rent. He first said 'I hate trailers!' And said he was moving to PA. Next time he tells me he will stay there with heather. Right now heather is angry at me how I went about staying with Chris and where is she going to live and what she can afford. At this point I am waiting to see if Ron will stay in the trailer and whee heather will go. I told them I was giving Colby's month notice to be out end of July. This gives them 2 months to say they stay and they pay rent or I get down there to clean the place to get my deposit back. So now I wait on their decisions....and I pay rent there but now I am with Chris and we r both very happy! What do u think? There issue more to this....I mean Ron keeps running his mouth saying things out of anger. I hold firm what I say to him and he was calling my older brow (Jim) crying to him....talk soon. Thank you and God bless always!
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Hi Diane....I will respond but it will take me a little more time to sort this situation out for you. I know you will be most patient with me....as always.

;)
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Diane, you stated that there are other issues. Could you tell me more about those? What kinds of things does Ron state that are so negative? How far away is the trailer from where you live now? Does Heather currently have a boyfriend? Has Heather had any type of counseling in the past? Respond when you can. Take your time.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi jordan, sorry it took me so long to reply. busy here with working nites and settling into our new home. chris and i r both very happy. the trailer is at least an hour drive from where i am with chris. heather has a very nice boyfriend [joseph] been with him for 6 yrs. heather has had no counseling except when i had issues and i wanted my kids to come with me. it didn't last long and we all got a lot out of it. i sincerely XXXXX XXXXXXX would go for any counseling, say she doesn't need it--i do. i can't get over ron.....he likes to 'let off steam' being mad at me for the inconvenience i am putting him thru just because i am happy and want to stay that way. ron likes to threaten me saying different things [suing me because i abandon heather] cause it makes him feel better and the next day or two he leaves voicemail saying sorry and wants to talk with me about some things. i have put in change of address at my post office and asked my car ins. co about a new quote and the renters ins as heather's and my names r on it and i need to have my own policy and ron and heather go on themselves. i told ron i plan to give landlord notice to move end of july so he has 60 days to do something---either sign a lease with colby and stay there with heather or b gone before end of july so i can clean the place to get my deposit back, etc. ron also mentioned getting after heather to 'get off her butt and look at where she is going to live, when and with who. i could not believe he actually agreed with me!!! he asked for my address so he can send me payment for car ins, power co and directv, which r all in my name. i want to have everything shut off for end of july and ron wants to b gone by then but he called me today that he has to have outpatient surgery july 27 for his liver [ongoing prob for many years] and is trying to get our son josh to help him with transportation. ron wants to be gone to pennsylvania end of july but now isn't sure what will happen. in my mind, i gave them till end of july, so i plan to give colby notice with july rent and if ron stays longer, he will b responsible for the bills--i will have everything shut off and he will have to have them turned on in his name. chris is also very supportive and encouraging. he even talked with my younger bro's wife kim and they both said the same thing....stay strong and stern that heather needs to do something about a place to live and i stop paying for everything end of july. i don't regret anything i have done or am doing, but chris and i always pray every day [perhaps a few times a day] that god will guide, direct and bless us with everything we are doing and god will provide heather more hours and a good place to live with a roommate. i was told heather is not very happy with me right now because i have made her have to grow up and start taking responsibility for more of her things than she has. funny thing is she cried about having to pay her student loan among other bills. i told her i know all about it and although she has large expense with student loan, i am still paying her first student loan [1st yr college] by myself and might b maybe half paid off. i still have my other bills and she is no worse off than she was. she can't keep living off mom any more. chris said 'ur 54yrs old...its about time u were able to b happy and enjoy ur life--u have earned it!' chris makes me feel so very good and happy! end of june [sat] my brothers and their wives r having graduation party for my neice [grad from college] and on sunday they r having informal casual get together of my parents friends from CT and said me and chris r invited. chris talked with kim a few times on the phone and they both agree with what i am doing and i should stand my ground with heather. yes, she will b angry with me for a while, but she will grow and she will learn, but she will make it. talk with u soon. take care and god bless jordan!
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.

All of your thoughts are completely on target. Heather must grow up and be independent. She must learn to fend for herself. This life is hard and you must work for what you want. She has your support and her boyfriend's support so it is not like she is being abandoned.

Additionally, it sounds like your ex does not want to see you happy and is very jealous that you have found a new person in your life. He sounds miserable and wants you to be miserable as well. Don't let him bring you down.

You are in a good place right now. Live your life. Love your life. You have done so much for others. I am happy for you. Heather will be fine. Give her space. Let her grow up some more. She may be mad but all storms will pass.

Stay in touch!!!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

hi jordan, after all ron has said over all this time, i can't believe he called me back to ask for an address to mail me what he owes for power company, car ins and directv because they get paid thru my bank account. since i told ron i give him notice till end of july, he is also telling me he has to get heather to figure what she will do for herself. i never said they have to leave and ron can afford the rent, etc there, but heather said she doesn't want to stay there with her dad and ron said he doesn't like trailers and will go back to his family in PA. i feel like i am still in limbo not knowing what they will do, but i can't turn anything off there until end of july. after that it will be in ron's name if he can't leave yet. he recently told me he has to have outpatient surgery on 27july. i hope all goes well, and i told him that, but i don't want to pay for anything past july---am i wrong for feeling this way? my sis-in-law kim in knoxville sent invitations and told me about a gathering my brothers and i will be putting on for my parents july 1st. i told kim about chris and they have both chatted on the phone and she is so happy for me being happy and chris is invited and will be coming with me to this party. i am also very excited!! chris and i pray about everything going on every day and we thank god for each other. i hope i never wake up from this dream, because this is so much a blessing from god to be real....talk soon, jordan. take care and god bless always!

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Good Morning,

You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Do your part until the end of July. That gives Heather and Ron two months to figure out what to do. You have done so much. You cannot keep on being the savior for everyone. Your life must go on. Be blessed and stay encouraged.

Erica
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi erica, heather told me last nite she will be renting a room at a friend of hers she used to housesit their pets and tutor her friend who lives there. her rent will b $300 and she asked if i would help pay half like i said i would when we thought i was moving to alabama last summer. she said at least until she gets on her feet. i said i remembered and would give her half as i said i would. [but that will not b for as long as SHE wants, but i will give her a time limit or it will go on forever.] my family is having a special get together due to my neice graduating college and my parents will not b traveling to CT again. that is set for june 30 and july 1. the bad news is ron was sent an invitation and he is not sure if he will b going. chris will not go if ron goes or a chance ron will b there. my feelings are the same as chris' because ron told heather he is not sure if he can behave himself....DUHHHHHHHH!?!?!?!? i am not sure what to think except i don't trust ron and i don't want any stress, pressure, problems or ruin anyones day if ron is there---there is no telling what he will do. he is only friendly with jim and karen [older bro and his wife]. they told him he is welcome any time. ron tends to cry to jim about every little thing and now especially about chris. jim even called me and asked why did i have to get a boyfriend and ron is very upset, etc. i told jim it is not really his business and i don't feel comfortable talking with him about my personal life. karen was told about everything and told jim to stay out of it, they were not getting in the middle of it. YEAH KAREN!!. the next 2 months should prove interesting because ron is going to wait till the last minute to be gone and i will be cleaning the place by myself so i get my deposit back. talk to you soon, erica. take care and god bless always!!! :D
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 2 years ago.
Everything will all work out. Be anxious for nothing...as The Bible says. Ron seems to want to be in control of everything. He wants to make you miserable. Be happy....continue to be happy with Chris. You deserve it! Keep me updated!

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