Yes. He has worked at a Pet Smart chain for about 2 years. He is not lazy and is not afraid of hard work (has always had jobs requiring physical labor), but he just does not want to "better" himself. This is in contrast to my daughter-in-law who earned her masters degree (chemistry undergrad, genetic counselor grad) in 5 1/2 years. My stepson always scored high on standardized tests, placement tests, etc., but he never lived up to his potential. He spent 4 years at college earning about 2 years worth of credit. His mother and I stopped supporting him after year 2 at college when it became apparent he was at school to socialize and "party." However, he then received help from his father and also received student loans.
Other examples from his teenage years to help characterize him:
(1) He would spend hour working on homework assignments, but then turn them in late or not at all.
(2) His mother and I provided him with a 6 year old car (a Saturn, which was practical) and we asked him to pay 1/2 of the operating expenses. He bemoaned this, and within a year his father gave him a nicer, newer, sportier car and paid for everything. His father also gave him a cell phone, video games, etc.
My stepson also chose to live with his father and stepmother the summer after he finished his freshman year at college. This devestated my wife, but she never said anything about her feelings to him and never critisized her ex-husband to her son until a couple of years ago. The criticism revolves around the fact that my wife's ex-husband is not a mature adult (he life has revolved around sports, drinking, and himself in general).
My stepson's father moved to Texas (from Michigan) a few years ago for a new job, and his relationship with his father is not very good.
I believe my wife wants to help her son by giving him a place to stay, but I do not believe that would be the best thing for his marriage (as I stated in my 1st question).
I want to convince him to try counseling before moving 180 miles away. What I plan to tell him is:
-- I do not want to help him take the easy way out.
-- Marriage is a life long commitment that often requires putting your wife's feelings before your own.
-- Marriage can be a journey of highs and lows and when things get bad, you just can't walk out.
This type of advice will not be unexpected to him, but my instinct is telling me if I say he can not move in, he will say "okay" and then find some place else to live and then not speak to us again. A few years ago, when he was not living his life with much maturity, his maternal grandmother gave him a brief "lecture" and he has rarely spoken to her since (probably no more than 2 times in 3 years).
I apologize if this is too much info, but I wanted to provide some background.