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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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concerned about daughters boyfriend

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Hi, I am a married mother with 2 children a boy 21, living at home, studying full time, and a daughter 19 - we need some help with our daughter who has been going out with a boy six months younger for the last 12 months on and off (he has broken up with her several times which totally destroyed her but they always get back together). After various dramas over this last year (police incidents, car accidents, him driving a car without a drivers licence, etc), we came to the point where we told her he wasn't welcome here for a while, mainly because my husband and I were pissed off with how he was treating her). We are concerned about his influence over her and she is very dependent on him even though she won't admit it. She works full time, drives, has a car. He works a few hours here and there, bludges money off her, when he does have money he buys her expensive gifts??? we don't trust him, we think he uses her, she has now moved out to stay with him (at his family home) until we agree to make him welcome here. My husband is adamant he is not coming here, I am more willing to compromise as I dont want to lose my daughter (we were always very close up until about 6 months ago). But she is like a different person, has no time for us, not sure if I even trust her anymore, she only seems to come over and be pleasant when she wants something, but the rest of the time it is almost as if we are just a pain in the butt. we didn;t go through this with our son so we don't think we are bad parents. Possibly over-protective. we can't help just feeling he is a loser and bringing her down to his level. She has given up most of her other friends because he doesn't like them or they don't like him. Sometimes I feel like just giving in and letting her bring him over, but then I know we will probably get shitty because he will just treat the house like a pigsty, as will she, and it will probably end up in a showdown.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems with your daughter and her no good boyfriend. Is this guy your daughter's first serious boyfriend?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi, yes, she had had a few casual boyfriends before but nothing serious, so this is her first "adult" relationship
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi, just wondering when I might hear back from you?
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello..Your daughter is being manipulated by her boyfriend. It is probably an abusive and very emotional relationship in which she is made to feel like a queen sometimes and then a piece of trash. She has now reached a point in which she is probably afraid to leave him because she feels like there is no one to turn to. There is nothing you can really do to change her or her boyfriend. She is an adult but is making horrible decisions on the journey of life. For the time being, give her space. Do not allow her nor her boyfriend to come over for a while unless she is coming to discuss how she is leaving her boyfriend. Let her continue to live her life with this loser. She will come around when she needs her family and true friends because she will start to feel imprisoned. but the more you talk to her now, the more you will push her away. Time heals all wounds.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
At the moment we are still making her welcome to visit at home, not sure if I agree with not allowing her to come here because that would definitely drive her away and make her even more dependant on him.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
As long as your feel comfortable having her around the house, then allow her to visit as long as she stays within the boundaries that you establish. However, the boyfriend should not be allowed to come over if a tenseful situation always erupts.
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