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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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What is the general advice or recommendations on introducing

Customer Question

What is the general advice or recommendations on introducing young children after a separation. We were never married, but we have 2 boys, 5 & 2. We agreed to talk with each other before we introduced who we are dating, and I found out that after less than a month of dating, my ex has introduced my boys to her and taken them to swim with her and her kids all without my knowledge and without discussing it first as we had agreed. I whole heartedly want to do what is best for our boys, and I can't control him, but I want to know what the experts in the field recommend as far as this goes, because I know it happens a lot. I fear for their emotional security as well as not really knowing who this woman or her kids are, because they haven't been together for very long.  He is also unwilling to share any information about her.  More importantly, I worry that the boys will get attached and have to go through another separation if and when they break up. 
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.

Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with the father of your sons. Usually waiting 9-12 months after dating your partner is a feasible amount of time to introduce the children to the new girlfriend or boyfriend. But since your ex viloated your trust and already introduced the boys to the new "friend" then you must continue from this point. Most all mothers are protective of their children so your feelings are completely normal. Unfortunatley, you will not be able to control what your ex does and with whom when the boys are in his presence. Just maintain your composure even if you find out things that are upsetting. As long as the boys are well taken care of by your ex and you continue to be the best mother that you can be, there will be minimal drama.

Hope this helps!!!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He is willing to go to counseling with me on Monday to discuss this issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that it is in the kids best interest to wait before introducing girlfriends until they are more than likely going to be around for awhile? Is it even worth going to counseling at all because at this point, he thinks he is doing absolutely nothing wrong and it is driving me crazy.


He only has the boys on Mon & Tues after work so 7 waking hours all week, so it also doesn't seem unreasonable for me to ask that he sees his friends outside of those days and spends quality time with his kids on Mon & Tues. Seems reasonable to most people, but I am sure he is rebelling from me trying to control him.

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
YES!!!!!!!! It is worth going to counseling because other issues usually arise which can be discussed. It is extremely beneficial to have a neutral source who can listen to your views and the views of your ex. You need to let your ex know about the suggested time limit of introducing new partners. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that request!!!

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