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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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My boyfriends ex-wife tries to intrude in our life, for example,

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My boyfriend's ex-wife tries to intrude in our life, for example, by coming over to our condo to "return" something and then mouthing to my boyfriend from the front door where I cannot see her "Can I come in?" whereupon she comes in and tries to engage me in conversation. I am polite but basically not encouraging to having any discussion with her. I simply do not want any relationship with her. She simply uses it to cause drama. I must emphasize -- I am polite. I just turned back to the TV. We had been having dinner and he told her that.

My question is -- How do I help my boyfriend establish boundaries? What specifically can he say to her?

She then called him the next day and complained about my behavior to him. Is there anything I can say? Furthermore, she will try to involve their two children in this meddling -- they are 19 and 22 years old. What can we say to them that doesn't sound like we are trying to turn them against her? We are age 61 and 62 ourselves. This feels like high school.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.

Hello and Thank You for using our services. How long has your boyfriend been divorced from his ex-wife? Thanks!!!

 

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.

Hello and Thank You for using our services. How long has your boyfriend been divorced from his ex-wife? Thanks!!!

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
They have been divorced for 10 years. Last year she sold the family house which she lived in so the boys could have a stable life, and moved into a condo 250 yards from my boyfriend's condo, in full view of the guest parking lot so she actually knows when I am visiting my boyfiend, her ex, whom I have been dating for over a year.

He has been divorced 10 years. This intrusion has reently become a problem. She reports to him that I was not at a rally (political) which I attended with my grown daughter, and called him to say I was not there. It has now gotten creepy because I feel my boyfriend should cut it off at the pass and refuse to be involved in what are her attempts to create drama. He seems unable to set limits when in fact he is quite able to do so in many other areas. She is well taken care of financially although keeps "getting into muddles" which he then bails her out of. I am losing respect for him and I do not want to do that because he is a thoughtful, attentive, educated and hard-working man. There is this big glitch in our lives which has recently developed.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for responding. Your boyfriend needs to "man up" and discuss the issues with his ex wife and your concerns. Even though the divorce happened years ago, there are obviously unresolved issues between your boyfriend and ex wife. They have not completely let each other go their separate ways. Although as much as you would like to, do not confront the ex wife. Remain as kind as possible to her. You do not need to stoop down to her level. You need to be the "better" person. You are not alone in your situation as this is very common with ex wives. It is important as to how you react to the actions of the ex wife. Just let her ridiculousness go. But your boyfriend must take action. It is his responsibility to establish boundaries. If he cannot do that, maybe he needs counseling as to how to be more assertive as a man with his ex wife.
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