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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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I have been involved in a relationship for almost 4 years with

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I have been involved in a relationship for almost 4 years with a man. We have one child together and he has one from a previous marriage. His daughter stays with us 4 days out of the week and she is 3 going on 4 in July. When I met this man his daughter was only 7 months and I have been a part of her life since. I never bonded with his daughter and now presently she is very disrespectful. When I greet her with a smile she sticks her tounge out at me. When I try to dicipline her in the slightest she screams and tells me that she doesnt like me. I feel that her father is very unsupportive and when she acts this way he does not dicipline her other then saying in a sweet tone "that is not nice." In response to him, she will then scream at him or act poorly. She will push her little sister down and hit her when she thinks nobody is looking. I have caught her several times. Her father will either ignore the behavior or will try just simply say its not nice. There is never any repercussions for her behavior. I am losing my mind over this. I have developed a disliking to her and feel resentful toward her father. We have arguments over this quite frequently.

Scenario: A few days ago she came home and I said "Hi, I mised you." She ignored me and walked right past me. I then rephrased what I had said " Honey I am so happy you are home." She then stuck her tongue out at me and walked away. I felt a little sad but just ignored it. Later I was talking in the room to her father about some matter and she came in grunting and yelling at her father. He kept telling her to hold on one minute. I then tried to ask her what she needed and she again stuck her tongue out at me and told me that she wasn't talking to me. I expressed to her that it was rude to stick out her tongue to people. So she did it again. I asked her why she did that to me and she replied," i don't like you. I at this point was very frustrated and said, "I know, you tell me all the time and frankly it doesn't matter if you like me or not." She then growled at me. I told her that when she behaves like that she looks like a mean boy bully not a sweet princess. She then looked at her dad and laughed and then told me I looked like a man. Her dad laughed. I then told her that she needs to be nice because if shes not nice to other people when she goes to school, she will have nobody to play with. She then told me that she will squash me, ruin me, and that I will be nothing. I was very frustrated that my attempts to converse with her were going nowhere and she only became more disrespectful to me. So I told her if she keeps sticking out her tongue then she can have a time out. She screamed at the top of her lung toward me NO! then went to the door and slammed it. Her father did nothing. He got her ready to go to the store with us and while at the store bought her toys and candy. She screamed when he gave her 6 candies and she only wanted 5. So he took one away. Then she screamed for the whole bag. So he gave it to her. After she ate a few he asked for the bad back and she screamed no. He insisted and asked her several more times only causing her to get louder until she threw the bag at him. Then when he took a candy for himself she screamed and would not stop. I was driving and it was getting old. So I firmly said "Stop right this instance." She cried but hushed. Then her father told me I shouldn't have done that. When we got home she asked him to open her mermaid barbie. He did and went to show her that her hair changes colors when it gets wet by placing it under the faucet. She screamed at him yet again and he does everything she demands like hes some sort of puppet. If he does try to discipline her in the slightest she wants her mom or will tell him that she doesn't love him anymore. Therefore, he chooses to do nothing yet everything she requests. He has created a monster.

I am resentful and very upset over this. He barely pays any attention to our daughter who is 17 months. Note: that when our daughter does something to harm herself, others, or just gets fussy he has no problem disciplining her.

I left a tape recorder in the home one day while i was at work and he was with the two girls. All I heard was our daughter crying....the whole time and was being ignored. I heard his daughter telling our daughter that she couldn't have any and to be quite. I heard him say whats the matter and asked his daughter what she wanted to eat. But the whole tape was primarily our daughter crying. I don't want to leave my our daughter alone with him especially if her sister is there. So I have been taking her to my moms when I work. He never disagrees to me doing this and in fact once when my mother couldn't watch her I said that I needed him to watch her today and he became annoyed. He hasn't tried to bond with our daughter like I have tried to bond with his. It is like we are two separate families living together. I sleep in a room with our daughter and he sleeps in another.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your partner and his daughter. Is there any reason why you did not try to bond with her in the very beginning? There are several issues going on and must be looked at independently.

 

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Your partner should be giving the same amount of attention to the daughter that you have together or even more than the 3 year old. What is his reason for being so neglectful toward her. Her overall safety is in obvious danger when she is left alone with him and the 3 year old. He must be more accepting of his own flesh and blood.

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You should not be arguing with a three year old. She has no respect for you and probably acts that way around everybody. She is basically...hate to say it...a spoiled brat and a monster just like you said. She may need some counseling down the line because her behavior is totally out of control. Her dad is not even stepping up to the plate to enforce discipline.

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Your partner does not have your best interest in mind. You are not connected the way you should be. He lets his daughter continue to be rude to you. He does not treat your daughter in an appropriate manner. You sleep in separate rooms. There is very little love and emotional support evident that are necessary for a healthy relationship.

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Think about if you really see a future with your partner. His daughter is not going anywhere. You have tried to be nice to her. Is her mother aware of how she treats you?

Do you see any changes in the relationship down the line? If your partner refuses to change and will not go to counseling, then there is nothing much that you can do to change the situation. You can only change yourself. Look deep into your heart and think about what would be best for you and your daughter.

 

If you need more advice, just ask.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
In the beginning We did not live together and were dating. He was overly protective of her and made it difficult for any bonding. Also when she was younger, she really didn't like to go to anyone other than her father. I maybe spent two days alone with her when she was an infant. He has said that he wouldn't like ava to be left alone with her mothers boyfriend and showed an obvious discomfort. My belief is that because his ex-wife has expressed problems with him doing that in the past. His ex-wife and I have no communication. I have tried to reach out to her before and she never responds. I used to say hello when she would drop off her daughter but she would't respond so I don't even try any more. When I was pregnant with our daughter. He kept it a secret from his ex. We came home one day and she was waiting outside. She pushed her way inside the home and was very angry to see that i was pregnant and asked me how I felt about the fact that he kept the pregnacy a secret. I had no response because I wasnt aware it was a secret. Then following this circumstance, she wouldn't let her daughter see his father as much(she has custody 80%) She dropped her off one day and saw some second hand things that people had given us for the baby and lashed out on my boyfriend saying "now that he has a new baby, he can only buy the new baby things and not their daughter." She then demanded all of their daughters old clothes that she sent over. Told him later that she turned then into a consignment shop. My guess is she didnt want them them to go to our daughter. My boyfriend doesn't really talk to me about his ex but the things he has told me made me think that she was making him feel guilty for starting a new family.
So I dont think her mother would care about how she treated me. I dont honestly know if I see a future with this.

Also, his daughter came over sick and then my daughter got sick. He went to work and I brought our daughter to the doctors. After that I went to my mothers with her because she lived nearby. My daughter fell asleep and my mom suggested that I leave her there to rest. And to go and clean the house....since both of the kids were sick and throwing up everywhere. My mom brought her home when she woke up. My boyfriend found out that i left her there and mockingly laughed. Then turned to his daughter and asked her did mommy have grandma come and help her when you were sick?

I felt as if he was implying that i was less of a mother than his ex. I approached him with this feeling later. He denies having any implication of comparing us. I mainly just want to know how I am supposed to respond to all this. What is my role as step- mom. Is this normal behavior for all parties involved? If I choose to stay in this what can I do as far as being the woman in the house to set some sort of rules. I obviosly have no control over what her mother does or even her father. But what is appropriate dicipline for a child that acts like this. Is there even any hope?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This was my last question but I have not heard from you dont know if you are seeing my reply. new to this should I repost or do I wait
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for responding. You basically have two choices: Walk away or stay. However, your partner seems to have some unresolved issues with his ex which are making it rather difficult for you and him to move forward in your relationship with him. It is very concerning that he tried to keep your pregnancy a secret. Additionally, the way his ex acts is a sign of pure jealousy. There may be some emotional attachments that were never completely severed between your partner and your ex. They need to get that situation under control...but there is nothing you can really do about that.

 

If you want to continue in the relationship with your partner along with his daughter, just take a back seat for a while. Don't complain about much. Just try and stay as positive around everybody even it is killing you to do so. Hurting people hurt people. I do not see you as a person who wants to hurt others. You seem very caring about all members in the situation. Love and respect your partner and his daughter even if they are not showing those emotions in return. In time, hopefully they will begin to respond more positively to you. Your partner, his daughter, and the ex seem to have repressed anger issues....most likely due to the fact that they are no longer one cohesive unit. Don't fall into their snares or else you will become just like them. Keep the lines of communication open and honest though but remain positive. In dealing with the 3 year old, just ignore her sticking her tongue out and the like. You might say something like, "i would prefer a nice smile to see your pretty teeth" and then continue on. The little girl is a manipulator. Don't let a three year old push your buttons like she does to her dad and mom.

proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi I dont know if you will get this twice but this is the second time I am typing it...The person who wrote the previous questions was my 24 yr old daughter and you may have given her wrong advice (not your fault she didnt tell you everything).The boyfriend she is with has anger issues.example : one time when his daughter was acting badly and he would do nothing my daughter tried to handle it and picked her up and threw her down on the bed and told her to knock it off. Her boyfriend says oh ya goes into the living room were there 2 month old daughter was sleeping on a blanket and flips the blanket makes her go airborn and comes down on her face and started screaming he just walkes away.He has restrained my daughter,choked her,kicked her...he scratched the word c**t on her car...The last time they fought 2 days ago he threatened her with a sledge hammer hit her with his fist on top of her head and left finger bruises on her arm, she came to my house that night and the next day when she tried to get back into there apartment he nailed the doors shut...But he tells her she caused it all because she nagges him and cant just be happy.Oh and what do you think about on one occasion when they were fighting he held a gun to her head and said he wanted to blow her brains out,but later when he wasnt mad anymore, told her it was just a toy gun.I have a brother in law who is a police officer who wants to file a complaint and get him arrested against my daughters wishes or at the least they want to do an intervention with her...What advice would you now give her and me...I am going to let her read this THX
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
Wow....That information changes the scenario drastically. Your daughter has experienced extreme emotional abuse and physical abuse. She is not safe with a man of such character. He could snap at any moment and hurt anyone in his path. She must live in fear most of the time. It would only be normal to feel that way. Is your daughter afraid that if she left such a volatile relationship, her partner may retaliate in some form? He has made threats in the past. If she left the man, she could file a restraining order against him. Your daughter must really consider her personal safety and protecting her young child. She is not in a healthy relationship under any circumstance.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
no that is part of the problem she doesnt think he would do anything worse than what he has already done, he has destroyed her self asteem she says she just wants to be a family and I think she hopes things will get better but she also says she loves him one day and hates him the next....she leaves planning to never go back then a week goes by and she is trying to make it work again..they dont trust each other he lies about were he goes and he has cheated on her...one of those times they broke it off she went with someone else but later got back with him and of course she is the bad one now and he did nothing wrong
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
Your daughter is manifesting the classic symptoms of a truly abused woman in a domestically violent situation. Because there are probably periods of calm in the household, that pulls her back to thinking that things will get better. She probably also feels that an abusive partner is better than no partner at all. Is she dependent upon him financially? That may be another reason why she continues to stay. She will continue to stay because she does not want to seem like a failure if the family unit falls apart. But there are already too many cracks in the family unit. What is your daughter trying to prove? It is just a roller coaster ride in a cycle of abuse. There is help available. Contact your local domestic violence center. It truly is fearful that the violence may one day escalate into something even more horrific than what has already happened. Why take that chance?
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
thank you for your reply I will show her this if she wont wake up to reality I will file the complaint myself and no she does not depend on his income but she is afraid to be alone and she now has no self esteem you dont need to reply I will now accept your answer wish us luck
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
I do wish you and your daughter success. If you need further assistance, type "For Expert4U" at the beginning of your question to request me directly. Keep me posted if desired on the situation. Take care of your daughter. You may be her only guiding light now.

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