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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My 14 yo daughter lied to us about staying at her friends overnight

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My 14 yo daughter lied to us about staying at her friends overnight and instead took off with an 18 yo. She stayed the night at his house and apparently his parents were there but assumed she was older. My wife and I have talked to her on seperate occasions. When I talked to her she told me that most girls are dating older guys and that her generation does not think it is wrong. When my wife talked her she said that she really liked this guy becuase he made her feel important. I have made mistakes in my past as a father who is a recovering addict. I have been sober for over a year and half. Is my wrong doing a justification for hers?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems with your daughter.

 

As a parent, you have every right to protect the safety and well being of your daughter. Your daughter must realize that you are not concerned with what other girls her age are doing. You are only concerned about what she is doing. If you disapprove of her dating or seeing another guy who is legally considered an adult, then you need to tell her that. The guy should not even be seeing a minor. The parents of the guy need to be told that your daughter is only 14 and that she is not allowed to spend the night over their house.

 

Be open and honest with your daughter. Enforce consequences for her misbehavior. Do not worry about what you have done in the past. Think about your role now in your daughter's life. You want her to go down the right path. Being with an older guy signals trouble. What if she ends up pregnant at 14? Your daughter may whine and complain that you are being mean, but all teen agers feel that way about the rules that their parents enforce.

 

There is a show on MTV that glorifies dating at young ages and being pregnant called "Sixteen and Pregnant." Your daughter may be influenced by that.

 

Because your daughter has lied to you already, you must keep stricter tabs on her whereabouts and even limit her free time. Make sure you know who her friends are. Have her invite them over the house from time.

 

If you need more advice, just ask.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have already talked to this guy's parents and warned them about the age difference and that if he persues this kind of behavior other unforgiving parents may press charges or worse he could end up with a sexual offense and be labeled for the rest of his life as a sexual offender.

We already know stiffer limits need to be set.

What is eating me alive is that my wife believes that the reason she has done this is due to my lack of attention giving in the past due to my past and who I used to be as an addict and uncaring person. I do accept partial responsibility but I feel that my wife and my daughter are passing the whole buck on me. Will I always be responsible for her wrongs if my wife believes this? I feel that my wife brought this up to our daughter and that my daughter hopped aboard to this idea to displace blame. So is a father that does not give a daughter enough attention the reason she seeks male companionship at younger age, or is this just a cliche to pass blame or not be accountable for wrong doings?

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

Your wife and daughter have joined together to blame you for your daughter's actions. You are in your daughter's life now and trying to make a positive difference. The reason why your daughter is seeking companionship from an older male has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the "status" of being cool when a teen age girl has an older boyfriend.

 

Family therapy may be in order so that you, your wife , and your daughter can get a tighter grip on the true problems. Your personal problems are in the past. Your wife and daughter won't let the past go and are trying to blame the past on the present conditions.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I had a talk with my wife and told her how I am feeling about all of this. Something I should mention is that I am not her biological father but have been her father since she was 1 years old. She has never met her real father. My wife has always wanted me to adopt her. I have not because of verious reasons like in the past freinds tellling me not to because if we get a divorce then I would be responsible for child support, or I felt that I was not ready and that she should be givin this choice when she is old enough, or that her being my daughter has nothing to do with a name or legal written document. My wife states that our daughter has been wondering about her bio father and I am open to her meeting him.

With all this said my wife has told me that she feels responsible due to this. Could all this be part of why she did this? I am not sure about adopting her even though our marriage has really grown since I quit drinking. Would adopting really change anything with my daughter or just my wife?

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

Happy Saturday to you. There are several issues going on in your life which must be looked at independently first.

 

Regarding adopting your daughter, you must do what your heart tells you to do. If you do not feel comfortable with the idea, then do not pursue the adoption process. You have been your daughter's father figure for practically her entire life. Adopting your daughter will probably only satisfy your wife and not change the relationship with your daughter at all.

*********************************************************************************************

It would be great if your daughter could meet her bio father as long as all participants are open and accepting of the idea.

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Your wife should feel somewhat responsible for the path that your daughter has taken. She wants to put the blame for your daughter's actions on someone so your wife has chosen you. She may feel that your past drinking, inattentiveness, and not being the bio dad is causing your daughter to act out and seek an older man. However, your daughter and wife need to realize that it is your daughter who is responsible for her actions....not you.

**********************************************************************************************

It sounds like you are really trying your hardest to make all of the issues in your family turn out for the best. You have stopped drinking. Your marriage has improved. you want to enforce stricter rules for your daughter. You have confronted the parents of your daughter's male friend. You are open to your daughter meeting her bio dad. Your wife needs to realize that you are doing all that you can possibly do. Now pass the buck onto her and she needs to do her part as well.Smile

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

So in your opinion I am doing things right? or Is there something I could or should better? If you were me what advice would you give to your wife and daughter?

Do not be shy I am open to criticism, please do not just tell me what I want hear.

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
You are doing the right things. You have been sober. You communicate with your wife and daughter. You have not put the blame onto anybody. You seem to be open and accepting of everything that has happened. Most men would not be so tolerant!!! What you might want to do is to sit down with your wife alone and then with your daughter alone. Ask them individually is there anything that you can be doing better as the man of the house. Get a perspective of how they truly feel. You want to meet their needs as long as they are reasonable and appropriate. You can also respond to them in a positive manner of what you expect from them. If you talk with them together, they may "gang up" on you and blame you for everything. See how this goes.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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