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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My husband and I are separating and Christmas is just three

Customer Question

My husband and I are separating and Christmas is just three weeks away. We said we'd tell our 12 year old daughter together but last week my daughter and I were talking and I told her. She obviously took it hard but knew we weren't getting along for some time. My husband does not know she knows already and wants to wait till after Christmas to tell her. I on the other hand am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I come home from work and have to see him there. I would like for us "to tell her" now and let him leave the house. My question is: I need to do what will be easier for her to handle so should we wait till after Christmas or can we sit down tell her now?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I believe that your husband is correct. Christmas is a very exciting time for a 12 year old. You need to put your feelings aside about seeing your husband when you come home and think about your daughter. Try to enjoy Christmas for her. Tell her that you really want her to enjoy Christmas and that's why we are not acting on our decision until after the holidays.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

You there?

Customer :

yes

Customer :

is there an "easy" way to tell her? should he do it or I (since I already did but he doens't know.

Customer :

should he tell her or I ( since I already did but he doens't know)

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

I understand how hard it must be for you to come home and see him there when things are the way they are between you, but try and think of your daughter at this time. Think to yourself --- that's one of my Christmas presents to her.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Oh, I just saw what you wrote --- hold on a sec.

Customer :

okay you just made me cry but it will be my gift to her thank you very much

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

I'm not sure I understand. You already told her that you're leaving

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Oh, you are bringing tears to my eyes, too!

Customer :

told her that her fahter is leaving and we're separating. her and I will stay in the house. Yea, this is a difficult time for me. I do not love him anymore but the rejection is a killer!!

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Exactly! She's only 12. You are her mommy but no matter how you feel, that is her daddy.

Customer :

yea, she loves him a lot and i will try to foster that as best I can for her. I just need to get ME through this after the holidays. We're been toegther 20 years, will be a big adjustment to me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

I am sure it is a killer. Just hang in there over Christmas for her.

Customer :

I will. Thank you for your advice, I will certainly wait till after christmas. Hope you enjoy your holidays.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

I could only imagine how hard it must be for you.

Customer :

Brutal. But life goes on. I just need to keep her a happy child. She is very perky and Christmas is her faviorte holiday and I want to keep it that way for her . Saying that myself I guess I already know I have to wait to tell her. Thanks agian

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

You try to enjoy them, too even though it will be very hard.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

If you have no more questions please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Customer :

I will Thank you very much

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Good for you. You are a really good mom!

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