Your husband's discipline style is obviously a lot more strict than your style. But your daughter must realize that she cannot continue to get away with that type of unacceptable behavior. Let's flip the script. What do you think would happen if you, your daughter, and husband could all sit down and have an open and honest discussion without the yelling and cursing? How do you think your daughter would react? Would she just clam up and not say much? Would your husband go for that? Something has to change or else your daughter will continue to rebel. No one needs to constantly verbally attack their children. Your daughter probably has learned to tune your husband out when he is screaming at her. I would really suggest a non threatening approach of a discussion. Give it a try. The results might surprise you. As a parent, you always want to foster the elements of respect and trust. I truly believe that those elements have been shattered in your family. Attempt to bring them back. I know that your daughter was not always behaving in the manner that she does. Think about those days and what you did back then. Do not give up. There is always hope and a light at the end of the tunnel although it is rather dark now. It may be difficult to change your daughter, but you and your husband can change your selves which in turn will affect your daughter.
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Ok my husband doesnt always yell, actually he rarely raises his voice but and his sarcasim has come about after getting all talk and follow thru on our daughters part to change her attitude about family responsibilties and school. Neither one is willing to acknowlege the past and at the same time wipe the slate clean and see beyond the attitude they BOTH have towards the other. How do I get them to stop holding past "wrongs" against each other. It is like the He/She started it arguement.
Your husband and daughter have to agree to "let it go," meaning to keep the past in the past and attempt to better relate to each other. Both parties must agree and develop a mutual respect for one another. This is a process and will happen over time.