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Bonnie
Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2178
Experience:  and pediatric nurse practitioner with 30 years of experience counseling parents.
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I need your help!!!!!! I was a single mother ,and all my life

Resolved Question:

I need your help!!!!!!
I was a single mother ,and all my life I tried to do the best for my son .I was very protective ,and very controlling (just realized it now),from the other hand I spoiled my son .Our biggest issue when he was a teenager .... Son please do the dishes ''Ok I will''
in 20 min same request from me in polyed manner ,same answer ''I will'' , and about 4 times until I stared yelling ,and only after that he will do what I asked.I know I was wrong,but that time I didn't know how to educate my child,what to do ,how to act .
At this moment he can not take it anything from me even it is regular request ,I changed a lot ,but he can't understand that .We are going like old time ...Please do it ''I will'' an no action till I start blow up.I know I am wrong ,but can not control myself (after asking him in polyed manner few times ,after remind him few times ,after giving him particular date and etc.)
Please educate me what I did wrong and how I can fix it .
Thank you very much for any advise.
English is second language for me ,so excuse me for my mistakes.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Bonnie replied 3 years ago.
What things are you requesting of him? How old is he?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dear Bonnie ,thank you for responding to my email.
My son is 25 years old ,we work together on one project ,and I asked him to do some staff on that project , but received like usual ''ok I will'' and nothing was done. He probably will ,but only when he thinks it's need to be done.We have different point of view on time frame .
I am trying to understand the problem ,why he doesn't respond to my requests ,we have the same problem since he was teenage till now. I usually do few polyed attempt,but then I just don't know any other technique except blowing up .
Expert:  Bonnie replied 3 years ago.
Is the project a work project? If so, are you his supervisor? Is it a family project? Sorry it would make a difference in my answer.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

This is a family project ,I am not his supervisor ,we are partners .

Dear Bonnie ,my main concern ...how to act ,what to do to make him respond to my request without hurting his feelings.

OUR MAIN PROBLEM .....SINCE THE CHILDHOOD ..... I START ASKING HIM WITH VERY VERY POLYED MANNER ,AND DON'T GET A RESPOND .....WHAT I SHOULD DO ???

Bonnie ,I am not so much frick controlled mother, somedays I was ,somedays I wasn't .

I didn't have sructure with my son when he was a child ,I didn;t constantly checked him .For a excample ... I asked him to take a trash every friday , today's friday I checked if he did his chore or not,but next friday I didn't (now I know it was mistake )

I am more demanding then controlling

Expert:  Bonnie replied 3 years ago.
When a person does not do what they are asked it could be for 2 reasons:
1. They are angry with that person (this is called being Passive Aggressive)

2. They are unable to focus and remember (They may have ADHD) in which case they would have this problem no matter who told them. They also do not do what others have asked.

Which problem do you think he has?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dear Bonnie ,I think it is number one , but when I asked him something at that moment we have a good relationship and he doesn't angree with me .

What do you think I should to do ?

Expert:  Bonnie replied 3 years ago.
First of all, I do not think you and son should do projects together. When he does not do as you ask it is too upsetting to you. Do not put yourself in the position of getting so upset. If this is not possible, ask someone else to tell him to do the thing you want done and you stay out of it. Then, it gets done and you do not get upset.
Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2178
Experience: and pediatric nurse practitioner with 30 years of experience counseling parents.
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