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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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my son is 9 years old and is being very aggrresive towards

Resolved Question:

my son is 9 years old and is being very aggrresive towards me and my daughter. He tells me he is going to kill me, screams at the top of lungs at me, throws his mattress across his room, hits me, and much more. Alot has happened in the last year, and I have been pretty depressed, but nothing justifies what he has been doing. I don't know what to do. Here are some things going on...recently diagnosed with adhd and taking meds, step dad died unexpectedly on 12-18-09, step brother was taken away the day dad died, we moved to anothe town to be closer to family on 6-11-10, father moved out of our neighborhood on 6-18-10, dad has been absent since end of 7-10 due to personal issues, started new school.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting JUst Answer. I am so terribly sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. First, you and your son --- all of the family have gone through a lot. Children don't sit down and tell us what they are upset about/ what is bothering them. They act out. They show destructive behaviour. Because children don't talk that's why we child therapists do play therapy with children. The child when in a therapist's office will engage in play and then the therapist can interpret what is going on. From what you have said, the only thing I can see --- unless there are other situations, is that your son is responding to all the trauma in his life. Only by bringing him to a child therapist will you be able to determine what is going on with him. There is no way to help him work through all this trauma without him seeing a child therapist. Don't spank him --- that won't help.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX that a lot has happened, and I am seeking a child therapist now...unfortunately it takes time, my question is what do I do during his bouts of uncontrollable rage? I agree, spanking is not the answer, but what should I do? I am at my wits end, I can't do this day after day, it is effecting my daughter now and is seriously damaging my psychie.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
First do you need help finding a child therapist? If you do, I'd be glad to help if you tell me your city, state, zip code.
Until you find help DO NOT engage in a discussion with him or ARGUE with him or TALK to him when he gets uncontrollable like he does. I know it's hard to do because when he gets the way he does you probably want to just smash him. Try, as best as you can, in as calm a voice, as you can, telling him that you cannot talk to him when he gets like that. If he wants to talk to you you would be very happy to talk to him if he can talk to you in a civilized way. Go into another room and before you go, say, I'll be in the kitchen, living room --- wherever you go --- waiting to talk to you. Come in when you can talk.
I am not sure this will work --- I haven't diagnosed him --- can't online --- but whatever, even if you can't talk to him --- don't when he acts like that. Get to a child psychiatrist ASAP.

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