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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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I have an 18 year old son. He is in his last year of high school.

Customer Question

I have an 18 year old son. He is in his last year of high school. He has a part time job. He lives with me and his stepfather. In March for his birthday he wanted a party with alcohol and friends here in our home. We told him over and over, no alcohol but he could have friends over. I was at home in my room during the party and late into the night they started to drink and some of them got drunk. When I checked on them and found this going on. I took the alcohol. The next day my husband and I told him how disappointed we were and how he was on thin ice, along with other consequences. In early April, my husband and I went out for evening to come home to find out he had a bonfire & friends & alcohol here while we where gone, and none of this did he have permission for. Along with other consequences we told him if he did anything else like this again, he would have to move out. In August, I went to my sons bedroom (it is located in the basement) late one evening to ask a question, to find a girl/woman in his bed. After sending her home, we talked to him and found out on many occasions he snuck girls in and out of the house. We moved his bedroom up to the same level as ours is. Just this past Thursday night, The three of us had sat down to play a game. My husband and I are taking a trip later this week, so we went over what we except of him while we are gone. No parties, no alcohol, no girls. This lead to a fight because he didn’t want to hear it, and he left the house. He did not come home at all that night or Friday or Saturday night. Threw texts back and forth, he was very disrespectful and told my husband to f off and he didn’t have to listen to him or be around him. He came home briefly on Saturday when we where not home and because he forgot his key he broke into basement window.
On returning home on Saturday and seeing window, I texted him to be home by 7pm to talk about the situation. He told me no, he would not come home. After going back and forth in a few textes, I finally told him to be here or he would not be welcome here any longer. 7 came and went and he did not come home. So I texted him and told him to pick up his stuff because he was no longer welcome here.
He showed up this morning wanting to talk so we sat down with him and all he could give us was that we should be the type of parents that allow their kids to drink at home in a safe place. He also called my husband an ass hole and said my husband needs to stop trying to be his step dad. ( We have been married for 10 years). So we told him that with his attitude we no longer wanted him here. He cried, but never apologized for being disrespectful and on his way out he said well I guess I will go and see if I can find a place to sleep that’s not outside.
So my question…all we wanted was respect for us and our home. I find myself feeling very guilty for not letting him come home. I am worried he wont finish school and who he might be with, having food to eat. But at the same time I do feel like we have bent over backwards always giving one more chance when he knew what the rules were. Have we done the wrong thing? Should I tell him to come home? Will that just reinforce that he can do what he wants and speak to us any way he wants and we will in the end give in? Help, what do I do and where do I go from here? Why do I feel so guilty?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.

As the mother, you are always going to feel some sense of guilt for your actions. However, the law was laid down regarding the rules of the house. He is 18 years old now and completely aware of how to accept those rules. If those rules are broken, he must deal with the consequences. The drinking and having girls over the house is being done behind your back most of the time and is completely unacceptable. Since he is still in school, it would be in his best interest to let him stay with you until he graduates. Since he has a part time job, may be he could find a room mate and move out after graduation. I think that would give you a great deal of peace. He is at the age where he will rant and rave to try to get his way. The best thing that you can do right now is simply to listen. Your previous actions were not wrong at all. Keep stating the rules of the house!!! He probably will not change his behavior any time soon. What I could suggest is that you seek professional help from a neutral source like a psychologist and/or a family therapist for both you and your husband on how to deal with this situation and you would have the opportunity to completely express your feelings and receive practical coping mechanisms. Your son could benefit from the sessions as well, however he does not seem to receptive to many suggestions. This situation will definitely take some time to resolve but you can and will get through it. Thank you and have a great day!!!!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I really dont know what your saying. On one hand you have said him braking the rules are completely unacceptable but you also said wait till he is out of school. We told him that because of his behavior he was not welcome here, and he hasnt slept here in days. I am asking where do we go from here.Do we tell him to come home and in June he is to move out?? Or stick with this path we are on until he comes home and wants to live by our rules. I want him to finish school but I also dont think we can or should do the next 8 months with him braking every rule just because he is in school.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
Oh..I am sorry that I misunderstood you. I did not realize that he was not currently residing in the home. Where is he residing? Is he still attending school regularly? Do you have any contact with him?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I do not know where he is staying. He took off last Thursday and when he wouldn't come home on Saturday we told home not to bother coming home. I think he went to school today but I dont know and we have shared a few texts back and forth but they have just been about how we dont let him have any fun here and he doesn't have to fallow our rules.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
You must release the chains and let him go. It boils down to the fact that it is your house and your rules. He refuses to accept and follow them. He is now an adult and can and should be put out of the house. I know that may sound harsh but at 18 years of age, he needs to be treated like an adult. He needs to see what it is like to fend for himself. He has been too disrespectful. He will continue to treat you in such a non-appreciative manner as long as he knows that he can get away with it. Let him go but keep the doors of communication open when he needs to talk to you.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you. This is what we thought we had to do, but it is still very hard.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 3 years ago.
I know...I have three sons and it would be hard for me as well. I wish you much luck in the future.

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