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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My family is going through a divorce. We were married for 15

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My family is going through a divorce. We were married for 15 years and have been separated for just over 2 months. We have 3 children together ages 16, 12, and 8. I have been reading various material regarding how to best get along for the children and make this an easier transition for them. I am having a hard time determining if some of my actions are the best for the children or if I am acting out of anger toward my former spouse. He has a new girlfriend in his life since about 2 weeks after we separated. It has been a source of argument between him and the children. Some of their arguments have escalated into screaming matches and became physical. We have had some very good, calm discussion regarding what is best for our children, came to an agreement and then he would do the opposite of what he said. I feel like I can't trust him with them. Or rather that they are just going to be hurt when they are with him. It seems every time they come back from his house they are upset. I don't ask them questions about what happens and when they tell me things I ask them how they feel about it and then encourage them to tell their father how they feel. I have my parents watch the children after school and we have established a routine and the children seem to enjoy it. Their father called last night and wanted them to come to his house for a few hours after school. I didn't want to interrupt the routine that we have just established and told him he could spend time with them when we go to the soccer game tonight. He became angry and said that I was not thinking of the kids. I know that the children need time with their father and I do want to encourage it but I don't agree with him wanting to change it at the last minute. I also want to be careful to not let my opinions of him and his lifestyle interfere with decisions regarding the children. I guess my question is that given that every thing we have decided on the kids he has gone back on and has told me lies is it the right thing to do to keep my parenting time on a schedule and routine?

I think it would be best if you and your children seek some professional counseling from an outside neutral source . If you have health insurance, contact them and they will be able to guide you in the right direction. Seeking professional help from a regular counselor, psychologist, or even from a church counselor will enable you and your children to express their feelings and receive coping skills to deal with such a difficult issue. For the mean time, if you and your (ex) husband can work out an agreement in an amicable way regarding when your children can visit without upsetting their lives and schedules, then do the best that you can for now. When you are going through the divorce process, a visitation schedule may be established for the minor children under a court order. Try not to let your personal feelings about the girlfriend be known to your children. Just keep on letting your children know that you and their father love them but can no longer agree on certain things and have decided to be apart. What is best for the children is of the utmost importance now...and your (ex)husband must realize and accept that fact. Actually bringing a new girlfriend into the picture now does not benefit anyone. She is only filling the void of your (ex) husband not having a family anymore. I hope that this has shed some light on the issue. Please do take care. Please accept so that I may be paid for my efforts. Thank you and have a great day.

Edited by Erica.13 on 9/23/2010 at 4:58 PM EST
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you
Please ACCEPT so that I may be paid for my efforts. Much luck to you during this difficult time. Stay strong.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i am not sure how to accept? is there anything i need to do?
When I respond with the answer, then you will click on the ACCEPT button.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Okay....I am not a technical fool, but there is not an accept button on my screen. ? ? ?
Make sure that you are logged in. There should be a green accept button under my response.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Nope there is not a green accept button. The heading says Your Expert needs more information...and then my reply. No green buttons. Just a grey Reply to Expert button at the bottom.
Ok...There should be one now.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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