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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Our 26 year old daughter is in love with a 29 year old. He

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Our 26 year old daughter is in love with a 29 year old. He is not of our same ethnic, social, nor religious background, but recently converted to our church. We are Mormon, and he seems to be sincere about his faith, it being now a little over a year since he joined the church.

He has no formal education after high school and works as a security guard. He claims he wants to be a detective and has started (and dropped out) of school several times. He has had at least 4 or 5 different jobs during the year and a half they have been dating.

We are not rich, but our daughter has had a very pleasant an affluent upbringing. She is working on hr Masters degree and sings with the local opera company. We are extremely upset about their plans to marry next October, as he has not shown to be a reliable provider and certainly not been a member of our church long enough to prove he is sincere.

As petty as this sounds, he is also quite overweight and obviously not of our same race. I am having a real hard time getting enthusiastic about throwing a big wedding which she is expecting when I will be embarrassed to be there "celebrating" a marriage to someone I don't think is right for her. When we talk to her about him without trying to offend her, she gets very angry and says we don't give him a fair chance. I don't want to try to say she can't marry him, but I really do not want to throw the phony wedding celebration either?

I would appreciate your thoughts.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 4 years ago.
I will get back to you a little later with an answer...early evening.

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Expert:  proexpert37 replied 4 years ago.

This is a very difficult and touchy situation. Your daughter obviously has her mind made up of what she is going to do. There is probably nothing you can do or say to change her mind. Although you may not agree with her selection of a future husband, you must always let her know that you love her but you do not care for this gentleman. If the wedding does take place, I probably would not spend very much on it. There already seems to be a great deal of tension. Marriage will not alleviate the friction. I would suggest that you and your daughter receive individual and then later joint counseling from a neutral source as to which direction to take. If you have health insurance, the providers can tell you who to contact. You do not want to destroy the relationship that you have with your daughter. This gentleman does not seem like a good match for your daughter. He may be trying to live off of what your daughter will be bringing to the marriage. A husband should be the provider. I cannot foresee this gentleman as providing much in the financial state that he is in now. Please seek some professional assistance. Even your church counselors may be able to help you. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I feel for you. Mothers have a good instinct when things just are not correct. Hang in there. This one day will pass.

 

I hope that I have shed some insight on the situation. Have a great day. Request Erica.13 anytime.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am not worried about my pain, I need to know if we are making a mistake to tell her outright we are against the marriage and if so, is it a mistake to refuse to support the big wedding celebration. Or do we just go along hoping she will see the light, but then are forced to pretend we are happy for her and provide a wedding reception similar to what we did for out other daughter who married a great guy.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 4 years ago.
Do not pretend to be happy. Tell your daughter exactly how you feel. Do not support a big wedding celebration if your heart is not into it.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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