Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.
I am sorry to hear about the concerns you are experiencing. Actually, I see this fear of repeating the family dysfunction as healthy and positive. Many people have grown up in dysfunctional homes. Some of these people have no insight that their upbringing was dysfunctional, but simply see it as normal and repeat the patterns with their own children. On the other hand, some people, such as yourself, are able to see the dysfunction for what it is. This allows them to make choices about whether they want to repeat these patterns with their own children, or to make changes and learn new parenting styles. I believe that it is the awareness that gives you the power to behave differently than your parents. In learning different parenting styles, you may find the books by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton to be very helpful. He has a wonderfully child centered and caring style. Whatever you and your wife decide, it is important for the two of you to learn to work together in your discussions. You may find reflective listening to be helpful. This involves letting the other person know what you are hearing from them and what feelings you are hearing, before you present your response to what they have said. This slows things down and often helps to avoid attacks and conflicts.
I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.