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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
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My 14 year old daughter has been dating the same boy (14) fo

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My 14 year old daughter has been dating the same boy (14) for a year and a half. I just found, through text messages that they have started sexual activity ("hand job"). Both sets of parents have constantly reminded them to be respectful of each other and they have said they had an agreement on no sexual activity.
These kids are "A" students and active in sports and the community.
I am about to call the boys' parents and talk about the situation.
I would like to end the relationship and take my daughter's phone away for a month, but I do not have the foresight to know how this might play-out. I would like to know what is an appropriate reaction to this and what the most effective punishment or response should be.

I have been waiting for a response since about 9 am today. It is now 9:40 pm. What is going on?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning,

 

The questions post in a queue and free lance experts answer as they are either available or willing to do so. It is not like a chat site.

 

Now back to your question-

 

It may not be appropriate to approach the boys parents. That would cause resentment from your daughter and lead to trust issues. It can also cause the two of them to feel a sense of shame (although the act itself is not something to shame for, it is their age that you are concerned about)

 

You would want to first address this with your daughter somehow (if you had read her messages without her knowledge, she may become angry and not listen to what you have to say)

 

The approach you use with her would be of importance. You want her to trust you and to respect your feedback. Perhaps try to solicit information from her as far as how things are going. She's dated the same boy for quite some time now (which is somewhat unusual for a young teenager) Provide some education on sexual behavior (she may have gotten some knowledge from the internet and her friends already)

 

Even if they halt their relationship, unless you are able to watch her 24/7, she would still do what she wants to do. Your goal would be to let her see that her behavior may have negative consequences. Otherwise, she will do what she wants just to prove that she can (teens are very egocentric) When you talk to her, remain calm, non accusatory and ask open ended questions so she does not feel blamed or put on the spot.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you. My daughter spoke to her boyfriend and, at my direction, he told his mother about the incident. His mother will be calling me today. We have a very good, open relationship with his mother.
I did speak to my daughter yesterday and showed her the text messages to her friend regarding this incident. My purpose was to re-iterate that these texts and emails can be seen by others..."once you put it out there, it is out there".

I did remain calm about this and we talked about her future and she admitted that her involvement with this boy was a distraction to her school work and her concentration on what she wanted to do with her life. She considered breaking-off the relationship and I allowed her to speak with the boy last night to discuss this. She told me later that she did not want to end the relationship. I later found another text message to her friend that said if I forbade her from seeing this boy, she would go behind my back and do it anyway.

My plan is to take the cell phone away for a month and to tell her she will not be allowed to actually date anyone until she is 16 (a year and a month from now). The dating age is what the majority of girls parents have told their daughters at our school. My expectations are that she can communicate with the boy, but there will no longer be dates to movies or having them go to each others' houses.

I think there definitely needs to be consequences and that we need to enforce the punishment...although I know it is going to be unpleasant at home for quite some time.

What do you think of the plan and do you have an alternative suggestion?
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Yes. Setting boundaries and giving out consequences is the right thing to do. She could still communicate via the internet so taking the cell phone may seem as a temporary solution. As far as dating, that would be at your discretion (she could still have guy friends, the issue you're having is not to engage in sexual activities which is reasonable)

You could offer some flexibility to her if she is able to prove to you that she is able to follow directions and to respect your suggestions. If she is not, then you point out to her that is a sign of her immaturity level and reinitiate to her that is exactly why you have those rules.

 

Speaking to the boys mother is all right. She may have some idea of how to approach this as well. Two heads working over it is always better than one.

 

Dr. Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Parenting Book Author, 13+ years of experience.
Dr. Rossi and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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