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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1691
Experience:  Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
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This is a long story so will just make higlights if you dont

Resolved Question:

This is a long story so will just make higlights if you dont mind.

In a relationship for 10 yrs. He is 47, I am 55

BF's Mom passed away yesterday after suffering a stroke this past summer. BF never went to see her or called her - We live in CA, she was in Oregon. She was homeless and diagnosed Sczhizophrenic all her life and lived on the streets. BF would occasionally send her money and visited her twice in the 10 years we were together. He was not really close to his Mom since she gave him and his brother up to live in a commune back in the 70's.

He left yesterday to drive to Oregon to go see her finally after the doctor called him last Friday saying they were going to place her on comfort care as she did not have much longer to live. i do not know why he never went sooner or tried to call her while she in the convalsent home all this time. Several times i asked about her and he just would not answer.

On his way from LA he first stopped in Sacramento to see if his unemployed 20 yr old son, he'd only seen him once in the last year and a half ( he left home 2 days after HS graduation ) and asked if he would like to go with to help drive, but the boy goes no where without his partner, we believe he is gay and had to ask his partner first. His son told him to meet him at a nearby restaurant. I forgot to mention that my BF sends his son(NNN) NNN-NNNNa month, and a few times a couple thousand a month. My BF was not even invited over to their home after now driving 6 hours at least to relax. ( by the way the son and his partner live with the grandparents of the sons partner, they are both unemployed )

The son said no he did not want to go after a few hours of hanging out in a restaurant, so the BF continued to drive back North again. While on the road he got the call that his Mother had passed away. The BF is now 2 hours past Sacramento when his son called and said "he felt bad and wanted to go". So the BF turned around and drove back. Now that his Mother had passed there was no hurry, but this morning his son changed his mind again and did not want to go after his Dad drove back to get him. He again made his Dad wait in a parking lot and he was over an hour late to meet him to tell him no. The BF takes him shopping for new clothes because he told me he was emabarassed that his son had holes in his shoes and looked like a bum.

My BF is too easygoing and enables his son to walk all over him, and it is driving me crazy! I am so angry that his son is so immature and disrpectful to do this to his Dad. I know the BF is upset that his Mom passed, so the BF is trying to do what he needs to do to emotionally work through this. But the driving around now for 2 days and he is still not in Oregon and his son making the situation even more stressful is beyond what my mind can register. Am I being overly sensitive? I am an old school girl and we would never treat our parents this way.

I will understand if you tell me to butt out or mind my own business, but any suggestions on how to handle this anger I feel for his son for doing this to his Dad? I am trying to hide it from the BF so as not to make things even more stressful for him. I have a grown son with 2 grandkids and have never seen anything like this before
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi
Quite a scenario you presented. My first reaction is that your BF son is probably in a relationship that is controlling. He has to ask permission to go see his grandmother, that is red flag number one.
You BF sends him money every month and he looks like a bum, what is the money being spent on, that is red flag number two. Your BF son changed his mind and asked to go with his Dad (admirable if nothing else) but at the last minute said no, red flag three. Why? My guess is that he was going against the wishes of his partner and he balked at the last minute maybe due to fear? Yes, your BF is way to generous with this young man in terms of giving him money. If you and he area in a serious relationship you have a right to express your opinions about this, whether he takes it seriously is up to him. I haven't touched on the mom issues since she is now dead and he was given up in exchange for a commune ,that is also one of the reasons he gives to his son, he knows how it feels to be abandoned, even though the son left of his own accord.There are many issues from your BF childhood that were never resolved. So be glad that he felt enough to attempt to see her one more time, even for her funeral. That speaks volumes. He needs to come to terms with how he handles his son. After seeing what he did, and having the young man vacillate over going, not going it's evident that he might be in a situation where he is being used and/or powerless. Drugs may even be involved, I can't venture a guess as to what it is exactly but something is going on there. I would not send anymore money. I would suggest to him that he ask his son to come home so that they can talk about what is going on in his life and devise a plan that would help him out of whatever problems he may be experiencing, whether he be scared to tell his Dad he is gay or he is involved in something he has no control over.
They need a good talk. Dad needs to be accepting of him and let him know he cares by showing it, not giving him money, that isn't love, that's guilt.
So, are you too sensitive? No you are smart and know that their relationship has problems, Your anger is at the son, however, you have no idea of the circumstances surrounding his behavior. Try replacing the anger with empathy for this kid, no matter how much he uses his dad for money. Every family is different, you were lucky to have respect and teach your son respect. These two need work, Dad needs to stop giving and try and fix the relationship with actions rather than money. If the son is not wiling to work on it, then Dad needs to stop the money flow. It is more harmful than helpful. They would both benefit from some family counseling. You are right to be concerned but try not to be angry.
I hope this helps.
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Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1691
Experience: Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
Dr. Keane and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your insight.

 

My BF cannot get his son alone long enough to speak to him. My BF is very passive and never wants to make waves about anything, so he would never insist, push, threaten, etc. his son nor stop giving him money.

 

Last year his son dropped by with his partner to return the car that his Dad had given him, stating he could not afford the gas and upkeep? My BF tried to talk to him back then but had 2 minutes while the partner went to use the restroom, the same scenario that just happened 2 days ago when he went to Sacramento.

 

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,

Tough situation and it sounds more and more like this young man is in a terrible place. If you could convince your BF to see a psychologist and learn how to be more assertive then he may be able to help his son in a more productive way other than just giving him money. If he doesn't then I fear you may be watching this scenario for a long time, different times, different places. There really isn't much you can do except tell him what I've said here. Passive or not, if he doesn't do something drastic he will never get out of this cycle of enabling him. As for your concerns and anger, you can either accept it as it is or insist he get some help or your relationship may suffer (not in a threatening way, but a bit of a push). This is one of those situations where you are stymied unless you can convince him differently and to do so you may be putting your own relationship on the line. I also do not believe you should have to live this way either, anger isn't good for your health! You can't butt out without seething unless you can find a way to be indifferent to the entire BF/son relationship. Tough choice. I wish you the best.

Please click ACCEPT and leave FEEDBACK when you are satisfied.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX accepted and added a bonus making it 9.00 that I offered. Please be sure you get this added bonus.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
thank you very much !

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