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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1756
Experience:  Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
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A daughter-in-law is doing everything possible to keep me and

Resolved Question:

A daughter-in-law is doing everything possible to keep me and my grandson apart because is(at 2 yr.s old) beginning to ask for me and showing that he notices me and the things I so with him and love me. What can I do, he is my first and only grandchild and may be the "only" one I ever have? She is a fruit loop and so is several members of her family. The use medicine as a cruch and medical conditions for being lazy. He has been necglected and she forces him to do things that he doesn't wnat to do when I'm there to keep him occopied to keep his attention away from me. If I do get to play w/him or pick him up she or her mother come right over and have an excuse to take him right awat from me. Some times he acts like he doesn't know whats going on because he wants me to play with him and they won't let him.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
Hi and welcome

Unfortunately this child is under the heavy influence of his mom and maternal grandmother. Where is your son? If he lives with them maybe you can have a talk with him about how hurtful it is not to be able to spend quality time with your grandson and ask him for support and help. If he doesn't live there then you have to be very careful about how you handle things. Try not to show your anger and disappointment when they come and get him. If they see a reaction from you they will only try harder to make your visits impossible. I am not sure where you live and how your son would feel about it but as a grandparent you do have rights. I would suggest you consult check a lawyer to see where you stand and if there is any way you can be granted "visitation". it's an awful situation to be in, it's not fair and unfortunately the one they are ultimately hurting is the child. Start with your son and if that doesn't work, talk to a lawyer, but keep that to yourself. Don't let them know until action can be taken. I'm sorry you have to experience this treatment from them.
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Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1756
Experience: Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
Dr. Keane and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Her mother has money and they are in cahoost its plain to see. My son has no control what so ever over the baby since birth. She will not let him even take him any where though he is there and very much a part of this family. He works long hours and goes home dog tired after stopping at the store most nights and fixes supper and cleans up because she has done basically nothing all day. She has 2 older children by former marriage and is constantly aruging with there dad about them. My son is always trying to teach them the correct way to do things because she is so far out there some times. She told me one time right after my grand child was boun that "she wished she didn't have to share her children with anyone" but until "now" that she realizes he is close to me--she hasn't been that involed--it is suddenly that she realizes he love me that she is keeping his attention on everything else when I'm there. My son is afraid to do much about this because she is so crazy--he now realizes what she did to her first husband--he did not know before he married her. She is VERY miniulative and controling and goes off the deep end easily!! We are between a rock and a hard place! I (we are)am very careful and walk on pins andneedles around her. My son is powerless and miserable, as I am.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
I have seen marriages like this in my practice. It sounds that she has a serious problem. She is very needy emotionally and having a mom with money, well that is controlling in itself and she knows how to manipulate people, not surprised. You should tell you son to get some counseling so he can learn how to deal with her behaviors. This can only cause fractures in the marriage and he certainly doesn't need any more pressure. She has him "hoodwinked" as I say.
There are books that you can read that may help both of you. There is one I use in my practice called, Stop Walking on Eggshells you can get it at Amazon or any bookstore. It's written for family members of people with borderline personality disorders. Since I do not know her I am just recommending this book because it is chock full of information, for a wide array of behaviors. Your son has a long road in front of him and he may need to step out from between the rock and hard place and take some action. Get help from a psychologist and go from there. I would keep everything / dates/ behaviors/and "punishments" in writing so you can see if there are specific patterns or times she behaves like this. I'd also keep it just to have it. Your son has rights too and he needs to be more assertive with her (I know it causes a melt down - typical). You are not powerless in this and if he is smart he'll get some help before it gets too far. This is about a child, and he shoudn't be used this way so she can have her way.

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