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danny541
danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Have 5 children !
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I am a divorced dad who has primary custody of my 7 year old

Customer Question

I am a divorced dad who has primary custody of my 7 year old daughter. She is an only child. I am seriously involved with a girl who has a 6 year old girl and a 5 year old girl. My daughter has problems sharing the spotlight with them, and sometimes is just not very nice. She had 2 meltdowns this weekend. She asked if we could have a sleep over and when it came time to work out the sleeping arrangements she had a meltdown because she didn't want the 2 girls sleeping in her room, and she tried to control the entire situation. This happened 2 night in a row. Me and my girlfriend are planning on getting married in the future so we want to get help with this now. Please advise....Thanks Anthony
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 4 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer!

Your daughter has been an "only" child for seven years, she isn't going to give that up easily!

It would be a good idea to ease her into this situation gradually, the sleepover is a great idea, but plans for where the other girls would sleep should have been discussed by you and your daughter before it happened that way she would have had part of the decision in her control, but you in the same time would have been able to discuss the reasons why it would be good to have them in her room, and the situation may have ended differently.

As she sees it, they are invading her space and taking up her dads time, and all children can be a little selfish when sharing their parent with other kids that they are afraid that your love will change,in her mind,you are "her daddy" and she couldn't imagine loving more than one person, and now she has to share!

And not just with another woman but with two other girls her age!

If there is room at your place to give the other two girls their own room when you have these sleepovers, it would be a good idea, the other two girls are younger and may not be happy with being too far away from their mom in a strange place.

If one day you do marry, you will need a larger place so the girls have their own rooms, or one they share if thats what they are used to!

I would also consider family counseling for at first the two of you, then add the other family so you can try to slowly blend the family together.

If thats not a possibility then I would in the future discuss things with your daughter and get her to understand that you want to be able to share your life and hers with a women that you believe one day will be someone she wants to spend time with and that it will be a good thing to have two sisters, she will always be the older sister and needs to set an example on how to act!

These other three girls may be having fears too, and need to feel wanted, if their father is a part of their lives,thats not going to change, and you will always be her father, just like their dad will always be hers, but sharing can be a really good thing, don't push too hard and she will soon grow to like the idea of being the big sister!

If you would like to further discuss this, please ask!

If not, please remember to click the green accept button,so the site pays me for my advice!

And,"POSITIVE FEEDBACK" only takes a moment and is a great way to say thank you!
Expert:  danny541 replied 4 years ago.
These other two (three) girls may be having fears too, and need to feel wanted, if their father is a part of their lives,that's not going to change, and you will always be her father, just like their dad will always be hers, but sharing can be a really good thing, don't push too hard and she will soon grow to like the idea of being the big sister!


I wanted to correct where I said three instead of the two girl's.

It can be a really tough decision for the children when you try to blend both families into a one family unit! But it is possible!

I also had to go through this, with my first three girl's that I had custody of, and the woman I eventually married, it wasn't easy, but it can work, with a lot of love and discussion and understanding!

If you would like to further discuss this, please ask!

If not, please remember to click the green accept button,so the site pays me for my advice!

And,"POSITIVE FEEDBACK" only takes a moment and helps me to continue to help others!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Danny,

 

The problem why I am confused with this is the following and then after your feed back I will acccept your answer:

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 1 1/2 years now and my daughter has been around my girlfriends girls for about 1 year now. We have taken it slow, and we have had many many sleepovers in the past, but this not being very nice, meltdowns, and trying to control the situation behavior has recently started in the past 3 or 4 months.

 

Looking forward to your response.

Thanks

Anthony

Expert:  danny541 replied 4 years ago.
I'm sorry, since I was unaware of these information I wasn't able to address it, I will now!

Is it possible she is being manipulated by anyone? Is her mother in her life, or her mother's grandparent's, anyone that might not favor your relationship with your girlfriend?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Her mother sees her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. I do not think she is being manipulated because my ex wife does not oppose of my new relationship, but I can't be 100% sure? should I ask my daughter is she is being manipulated?

 

Thanks

Anthony

Expert:  danny541 replied 4 years ago.
You will have to be very careful with this because if she is, they will also have maybe told her its a secret!

Some relationships are okay with the spouse going on with their life, and then some will have second thoughts, you are the only one that can decide if your ex-wife might be doing this, but it seems strange, if your daughter has been okay with this before, and now suddenly she is acting out!You see what I'm saying!

I would talk with your daughter and ask her why she no longer is okay with sharing her room, with the other kids, she may not tell you because she has been told by mom anything, from, daddy will no longer be just your daddy or daddy will love the new daughters more.

Its hard to say, I have seen this happen, not in my first marriage, but in other families I have talked to.

If you find out it is happening, then I would talk with mom, could she be thinking some day you two will get back together, is she going through depression?

The main thing if it is true, let your daughter know that this type of attitude hurts everyone, and that you will always love her, but you have room in your heart to love others also, and that someday she will have fun with her two friends.

If you need more answers, or if there is anything you don't understand and need help with ,please ask!

If not, please remember to click the green accept button,so the site pays me for my advice!

And,"POSITIVE FEEDBACK" only takes a moment and helps me to continue to help others!




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