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danny541, Parenting Answer Team
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I have a 15 year old daughter who I am having problems with

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I have a 15 year old daughter who I am having problems with in school. She is not a discipline problem, she enjoys the arts and is more of a stay at home in front of the computer/read in her room kind of kid. When it comes to school she is very bright but is lazy and procrastinates. She could do much better grade wise, but chooses not to. Right now my issue is that she made it into Honors Lit for her Sophmore year and has 3 books to read, annotate and 2 essays to right. She is 14 days away from starting school and has not been doing what she is supposed to. She says the more I bug her the less she wants to do it and I should back off. History has shown that she does not do her work on her own and even when I do "breath down her back" it doesn't help. I have tried taking every privelage away to offering money (against my belief) nothing seems to work. My husband and I continue to argue over the situation, and I can't go through another school year at my wits end. help!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer!

Sometimes we want our children to achieve the high honors, that we push too much and instead of doing what we want them to do, they do the exact opposite!

Your daughter wants to be the way she is, she isn't ready to push, into a world where the highest honor's are, and the harder you push her, the worse she will do!

I too do not believe you should offer her money or other things to do,you need to let her know that you love her, and it will disappoint you, if she doesn't do the work,that it is something she will have to live with when she doesn't get into the better school's, in college!

She is the one who will have to live with her choices not you, she may just take another year before she decides its important and she will have to work on it!

Sometimes "tough love", hurts us more than it does our children! We want to see them succeed and go as far in life as possible, but sometimes we need to back off and let them decide!

If you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I understand where your coming from.. however.. I just expect her to do the best she can. She pushed for this honors class and made it in but then slacked off and almost failed Lit the end of freshman year. She was in summer school for math and wound up with C's in most of her other courses. She tells me she's lazy when it comes to school but also says she wants to go to college.. I wait every year to see when she will begin to "get it".. I have backed off many times (as people and teachers have suggested).. when I do, she slacks off and her grades begin to slide. How do I let her do this and let her continue to have privelgaes like Art class, piano, playing on the computer.. etc??? As I have told her, her most important job rignt now is to get good grades in school.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
I would certainly take some privileges from her, playing on the computer is not something she has to do,so if you want to take access away from her, then I would do it, if its not for working then she can not use it,its only for her homework, not play.

As for Art class and Piano,if those too are just something that's not for school than don't allow her to do them.

She is 15, so the fact that she is being "lazy" at the moment, may not keep her out of college,but if it continues to happen then she will definitely not be getting into the one she wants!

At this age kids really hate it when we interfere in what they believe is not any of our business,so she is going to fight you.

So if she is doing other things that are causing her to not have time to do the Lit, it may work to take away the things she likes.

But it could also back fire on you, if she is so head strong she decides to fight you on it!

If you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She is head strong.. but as I said.. shes not a discipline issue.. I wish she was more social, but she is not... so she is home alot. The only thing we fight about is school. She says its her responsiblity.. yet, when she failed math.. WE were the ones who paid 500.00 for an online course and 250.00 for summer school.. not to mention the tutoring money we paid.. she truly struggles with it. However,, her other classes come easy.. if she worked just a bit harder and studied she would be an A/B student.. she choosed to be a C student. My concern is that my other daugher works really hard to get good grades.. it doesn't come easy to her. I don't compare the two because they are different kids.. but it doesn't seem fair that one works hard and the other one doesn't and they have the same privelages. My 15 year old thinks that she should be able to have computer time when ever she wants it if she gets her work done.. however, in Highschool.. you can't truly tell if they have finished their homework, studying etc.. you just don't have that info on a daily basis.. you don't know how they are doing until their grades begin to slide. My idea is to start out the year with privelages.. saying that, if your grades begin to slide.. they will go away. Do you think that will work? Also, maybe she doesn't get piano or Art back until she can prove to me that she can handle the school work load 1st? I have been dealing with her lack of motivation in school since 7th grade.. and some of it even in earlier grades.. I have tried many things and she just want s to do it on her own.. sink or swim. However, I don't think I am being a good parent if I let her fail?
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
You should never believe any thing she is doing is your fault! You have given her the correct tools to work with,if she chooses not to take advantage of the help you have given her to be a better student, thats her fault!

But I also believe that just because some things come easy for her, is no reason to let her slack! I too, have a daughter that things came easy for her, and one that she had to work very hard for every good grade she got, so when the better student started to let things go in the 11 th grade, I had to take away things she liked in order to get her to work, so by all means since she started this by not working,take things away that are privileges, you have paid out to help her get these better grades, and if she's just not trying because as she said she's lazy, then let her know if she wants the other activities, she must work for it!

If you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
okay.. I think we are on the same page.. it sure helps to hear it from someone else and I really like to go to someone impartial. Let me ask you this. She has all this work due in 2 weeks.. do I breath down her back, take computer away until I see she is making progress or totally back-off.. let her sink or swim and if she doesn't get it done, then punish her? Thats where I really get screwed up, I want to see her progress and she's saying "leave me alone, I'll get it done". What I have a problem with is seeing her play on the computer, chat with friends when I know she should be working on this stuff NOW.. not next week or the weekend before, especially if she is to do her best.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
No definitely don't let her play on the computer or chat with friends, when she has those assignments done she can play all she wants too!

I would just let her know that she isn't allowed to do these things until the work is finished, do not breathe down her neck, just make sure until the assignments are done, no play time!

This way she has no excuse, do the work or no computer or friends calling!

Then let her decide,if she has it done, check the work to make sure she has, if not, no fun times!

And don't beat yourself up over this, you have given her all the tools she needs to succeed, she just has to use them!

If you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Easier said then done. I am worn out from all the conferences, fighting, yelling, crying, sleepless nights.. arguing with my spouse. I keep waiting for her to see the forest thru the trees.. she says she understands and wants to have choices,, but she doesn't feel like school is teaching her the important stuff and that for some reason it still doesn't motivate her. At least she is being honest with me, but it still doesn't make it easy. I want her to have choices.. she wants out of state for school, but no way will I spend the money if she doesn't start picking up the pace and getting good grades.. that alone should motivate her. How frustrating to have such a smart kid with no motivation. Her mind amazes me, but school has not interest for her.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
At 15 she's a little young to be going to a school out of state, but I understand the problem,many sleepless nights I had with my daughter, she was on her way to be a valedictorian, an honor role student all through high school, at the last 6 months, she turns 18 and decides she's in charge!

And you are right, you have no proof that she will continue to work at school, you spend the money, just like you are now and still no work is done!

And between you and me, dad needs to back you up! You can't force her to do the work, but you don't need to let her have all the nice times she is having if she won't at least meet you halfway with this!

f you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sorry, you misunderstood. She doesn't like Ga.. we moved here 5 years ago and wants to go back to the north for college.. not now. She has friends and has adjusted, but went from being outgoing to introverted with this move when she was in 5th grade.. its been tough for her.. it was tough for me too.. so I understand. She knows I love her and support her. My husband wants to take a much heavier handed approach.. his Dad made him sit in his room day after day with no privelages until he got his work done. With my daughters difficutly with adjusting here and her lack of socializing, I feel totally guilty not letting her do some things. It makes it even harder because shes a level headed really good kid, doesn't talk back, not into drugs, sex etc. So I have a hard time punishing her.. she hardly gets together with friends so when she makes plans I am relieved. I wish I could get her to stop procratinating , get some headway on her work so that she can have some computer time.. that seems to be her favorite thing these days.. thats how she talks with her friends, the communicate, draw together, write stories without getting together.. I hate this computer generation.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
Don't you think she knows that you don't want to have to punish her?

If the moved happened when she was in 5 th grade she should have adjusted to it by now! Its possible she is using it against you, to manipulate you into giving you what she wants!

You can do it whatever way you like, but if it takes you doing a little pushing to get her to do the work, it will be worth it in the end!

If you keep giving in,you are allowing her to be "lazy"!
Its great that she is not into the drug scene or alcohol that so many kids are into!

Its your decision! She obviously isn't going to do it one her own! I would not push so hard that she refuses to do the work, but if you allow her to have it all and still not do the work, your other child may grow to resent it also, then you will have more trouble to deal with!

If you would like to discuss this further, I'm here!

Please remember until you click the agree button, I don't get paid, only the site does!

Also, "POSITIVE FEEDBACK", is very important to me, even if its just to say,"THANK YOU"!

danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
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Experience: Have 5 children !
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