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danny541
danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Have 5 children !
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I have a son 21 yrs old, he dosent drink, smoke, take drugs

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I have a son 21 yrs old, he dosen't drink, smoke, take drugs or party. He has been the computer nerd but he has friends, we lost our home after I lost my job, had to live in two rooms of someone elses house, windows have cardboard, no stove and all are stuff has to stay in boxes because we might be asked to leave when they sell this house. It seems like I am going through a nervous breakdown every week. In the mean time my son has been growing up, he got a girlfriend and is asserting his right to live his own life. I was taken by surprise we have always been close now I feel like I don't know him worst yet I am paralyzed emotionaly, I can't manage to lay one rule down that he will listen to, he hardly stays at home anymore always out, I have told about not breaking curfews and not to have his girlfriend stay overnight, but he does
not listen. I tell him they are house rules, his comeback is we don't have a house. What do I do.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer!

I am so sorry for your troubles! You are really going through a rough patch in your life! I need a few questions answered!

Is your son doing things that make you worry, is he now doing drugs or any of the things he you were afraid he would do for a boy his age?

Does he have a job? Or is he trying to find one? Is his girlfriend a bad influence,in your opinion?

Have you had any luck finding a new job? What have either of you tried to do to get out of this situation?

I will be waiting to hear from you and will try to help make sense of it all!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He still does not do any of those things, he checks in with me when he leaves so I won't worry. I have suffered from depression since childhood, and being out of work this long, 2 years, feels like the last straw, we are both looking for jobs but no luck yet. His girl friend is not a bad influence she is very much like me , she was abused as a child and suffers from depression she is 19. I have been open with my son about sex, I had to be the one to do the sex talk as my husband had a stroke and could no longer talk. He did tell me when he was no longer a virgin, he cares very much for this girl this is not casual sex. He does feel that I am treating him as child he needs to have a life however he wants us to find an apartment as soon as we can afford it and for all of us to be together. I really don't know if I am wrong or right in wanting him to not spend so much time away from us. He says its difficult to be at this house when we have to stay with strangers and have no real place to gather, just go to our separate room. I still feel he should obey my rules,but knowing my current mental state I am open for suggestions, I don't want to alienate him from my life. My husband has communicated that he does not have a problem with any of this .
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
I know this has got to be a really terrible time for you and your family! And you are very lucky that your son is not into all the different bad things that kids can get into!

If you can get him to sit down and talk to you about why it is so important to obey the rules that you are asking him to do, is your best way to go!

But with the understanding that he is now a man who can make his own decisions,even if it is not your own place, it is still the place where you are trying to maintain a certain amount of family life,and that when he breaks the rules you set down, which as the parent you have the right to do, it doesn't matter that it is a temporarily place where you are staying it is the only home you can provide at the moment!

Remember also that you can have one room where you can all meet and talk, and still communicate as a family,the place really doesn't matter as long as you come together as a family and discuss what is going on and what new things you can try!

You need to try to also understand his side of things, he feels he is doing nothing wrong, just trying to find a little happiness in a bad time as a family!

As parents when our kids begin to go out on their own we want to protect them so much that we sometimes box them into a corner that they feel they must breakout to find their own way,and it creates much heartache for us as the parents.

As long as he obeys the important rules,try to just let the other ones go! He is an adult now!

If you would like to discuss this further, please ask !

Please remember to click the green accept button, so the site pays me for my help!

Positive feedback is a really great way to say,"THANK YOU," for my help!
danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 909
Experience: Have 5 children !
danny541 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX they say to choose your battles, what would the really important issues be.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
To me personally it would be his girlfriend staying the night. As you said it isn't exactly your home, and they might object!

Being in at a decent hour, unless he lets you know ahead of time that he is staying out late would be another, its just being considerate of your feelings!

Also you said you discuss sex with him, ask him to please use protection,after all with all the diseases out there plus a new baby on the way would make matters worse for all of you!

If you would like to discuss this further, please ask !

Please remember to click the green accept button, so the site pays me for my help!

Positive feedback is a really great way to say,"THANK YOU," for my help!

danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 909
Experience: Have 5 children !
danny541 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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