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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, #1 Just Answer Parenting Expert
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Just Answer Parenting Mentor, Emotional, Behavioral & Physical Issues. Babies to Teens.
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My 14 year old is madly in love with her boyfriend, who is

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My 14 year old is "madly in love" with her boyfriend, who is also 14. I have allowed him to visit our home and her to visit his home, but I am afraid I've done the wrong thing. I'm beginning to think his mom sets very loose boundaries while they are in her home. And, last week I found them on her bed upstairs "watching a movie" (NOT!). Instead, they were lying on her bed involved in heavy kissing with roaming hands. (They were fully clothed, but it was enough to bother me greatly!) Should I demand that she not see this boy any more? Or, should I just make sure they spend every minute by my side when they are together? Or, am I too worried about nothing? It's so shocking to find your baby girl in such a compromising position... and doing this with her bedroom door wide open!

Are you saying that you found them on your daughters bed?

Is this her first boyfriend?

Have you previously set any rules on dating, or talked about the subject?

Does she have a lot of freedom? Go out a lot, etc?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
This is actually her second boyfriend. The first one (a year ago) did not ever have any "alone time" with her. They watched TV with us, never wanted any privacy. With this boyfriend, she wants privacy. They had asked if they could watch a movie in her room. I said yes... IF you leave the door open. I went upstairs to make sure the door was open.. and it was open.. but they were lying on her bed making out... not watching a movie.

We have not previously set rules other than the door being open. We did not have this problem with the first boyfriend. Unfortunately, she has a mixed bag of freedom. I am divorced and when she is with me she has rules, chores and goes out some with friends and their parents. When she is with her dad, however, she has much more freedom. He seems to let her do whatever she wants to do. Since that is every other weekend, it's difficult to know what's going on when she's with him.

She has not been a bad kid at all. She makes good grades and her friends' parents think she's a great kid. I just don't want her to end up pregnant (like I did.) I'm hoping to strike the right balance between discipline and love.
Hello Emma,

Since you have found her 'making out' you can assume the the teenaege hormones have kicked in and she's decided that she likes boys and wants to be around them. No one can tell you how to raise your children (unfortunately we don't get a handbook) but you have to decide on what you think is appropriate for her age for the next 6 years (and beyond sometimes, lol) What I'm going to tell you is my opinion. My daughter is 17, and I also raised 3 sisters. If you decide you want a second opinion, just let me know ok?

Take out a sheet of paper and decide what you are willing to allow her to do, and what you are not willing to allow her to do, for example

No boys in her room, even if you are home. She lost that privledge because of what's happened this past time. If he wants to come over the house, thats fine, but it must be when you are home and in the general living areas.

I would tell her that since you caught her making out, that you cannot trust her to be alone with a boy right now, and that you've lost some trust in her. Over the next few months she will have the ability to gain back that trust by listening and following rules. If she gains back trust, then she may be given other freedoms.

I personally do not allow boys in my daughters room, even at 17. She can have some girlfriends over in her room, but not random, and/or different girls all the time. A few close friends.

I don't allow her to have a computer in her room, we keep in in the family area, and she's only allowed 2 hrs a day during the week and 3 hrs a day on the weekend. This is to keep her out of trouble on the computer as well as force her to have other interests.

What are your thoughts and rules about what you will and will allow her to do? If you say she can't go on dates (with a boy, alone) till she is 16, that's not unthinkable. If you say she has to be under adult supervision anytime she is with a boy, that's fine too. Remember, you make the rules, not the child. There's a great book out called "Parenting isn't for Cowards" and it tells you that you have to make the hard decisions, and that your child is not always going to like you or the decisions. They may not understand or want to understand why you make your decisions, but as our parents told us "you will when you get older".

You might want to talk to the dad, if you have a good rapport with him and let him know that you caught them making out, and that both of you will need to keep a closer eye on her, just so she doesn't get into trouble. If her dad will not communicate with you, then the trust you and her have will be even more important.

If you haven't had the sex talk with her, now is a good time to sit her down and go over fact, sit her down is the wrong term, you should be relaxed, either in the car (turn off the radio) or laying across her bed and just bringing up different subjects

Are any of your friends having sex
are they pressuring you to do it?
Do you think you want to wait
what do you think is a good age for someone to have sex
do you want kids
do you want to get married
what do you like/dislike about boys
what do you like or dislike about the girls you know
do you have any questions about sex
is there anything you want to ask me about it

Most parents think that the sex talk is a one time thing, but it should be something that is an ongoing conversation. Maybe not as detailed each time, or every time, but at least every 6 months the conversation should be brought up and she should know that she can talk to you and you wont judge her and you will try to be understanding and of course help her in any way you can.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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