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danny541, Parenting Answer Team
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My almost 6 year old daughter is generally a very bright, sweet,

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My almost 6 year old daughter is generally a very bright, sweet, happy child but when she is going through something big in her little life she has tantrums. All kids do this. The problem is that she becomes violent. No consequence in the world seems to matter either to stop the behavior in the moment or prevent/reduce the next one. I WISH I COULD SAY THIS WAS A NEW PATTERN BUT SHE'S BEEN THIS WAY SINCE SHE WAS A BABY. My other two children barely even throw tantrums so she'd definately not picking up behaviors from them. I worry about whether she's ever going to "own" her behavior and learn to control herself when she's older. She's gotten more physical over the years, though the frequency has decreased a tiny bit. Her aggression is usually directed at me and is beginning to spread to the pets. It's not at her siblings. I know it's impossible to present a comprehensive answer with so little info, but any help would be greatly appreciated.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer!

Are you her mother, father, step-parent?

What has been your attitude when she has a tantrum ?

Does it happen with others or just with you, and you say its worse with you?

You say its starting to spread to the pets, in what way?

Is it only over certain things that start the tantrum,like if you say no to her only, or in other ways.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm her mom. We have a very good close relationship. When she tantrums I am usually quite calm. I tell her what consequences she will face. I give her time (123 magic or other type thing ) to calm herself. Many times this works but not during one of these difficult stages I'm talking about. It happens to my husband sometimes but he's much more likely to give in or placate in some way to avoid a tantrum. He said it's pretty rare for her to have a tantrum when I'm not around. She now gets mad at the dog or cat if they come to me for affection during the time she is angry with me for whatever reason. She will chase them away, yell at or push them. I tell her she may not hurt animals or be mean in any way. She doesn't want me to be affectionate with anyone while she is angry with me. She wants (and doesn't get my full attention). The cause can be over anything she doesn't like/want or not getting what she does want. These times are often worse when she is tired but definately not always. THere seems to be no connection to siblings or any one else for that matter. I don't think it's about jealousy. It's about control as far as I can tell.
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
I'd say your last thought is correct,she is trying to control you.

She probably feels like you won't give into her, so she doesn't want anyone or a pet being given affection until she get's her own way!

I know you have probably tried talking to her, explaining that want she wants is not possible at this time, or is bad for her, but she just doesn't want to comply.

And a part of it is your husband's fault, until he can also start to in force to her that she can not have something because she wants it, it will get worse, because she see's that he will give in the worse she get's, so there for she just has to throw a bigger tantrum and eventually in her mind if it get's bad enough she thinks you will give in.

Both you and your husband needs to sit and have a talk of how important it is that he not give in, that its only hurting you, and her also, one its bad for your relationship with her, that she can turn the situation to her favor!

Then you both need to sit her down and let her know that it has to stop,it can't continue, then both of you need to stick to it no matter how bad it get's or the situation becomes tense, you must put your foot down.

Explain to her that if she throws a tantrum then you will have to put her in a time out, usually 5 minutes per each year of age, if that means stopping wherever you are and doing it, then you will have to find ways to deal with it. If you are at home a quiet corner or staying in her room , not playing with toys.

If you both stick to this you should find that eventually it will start to slow down and work!

If you have other questions along this, please let me know, I'm always here and glad to help!

Please remember to click the green accept button!

Also positive feedback is great for my ratings !
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I do realize the role my husband plays in this. I see his part as a big reason for why this continues and is escalating. As I had said she's been this way her whole life, including as a tiny baby 6 months old (and I'd say even earlier). She gets so angry and inconsolable for a time, then it passes and she's sweet and affectionate and willing to accept her consequences. I can see wanting to control me now at this age, but any idea where the source of her anger comes from so she can learn that it's not me. It is something she has to see in her emotional response to the world, it seems. Food allergies run in the family and I've told during a happy time that her tantrums could be a reaction to some food. Either way she needs to control herself. But I'm dying to know why she gets so very very angry and doesn't care in-the-moment about anything you say. I've worked with oodles and oodles of kids in my life. It has been my business and I'm 46 years old. I haven't seen anyone other than ED kids who get this way, but she doesn't seem to be ED. What are your thoughts on the source of her anger?
Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
I don't believe it could be a reactive to food, although doctor's are discovering new things everyday.

Is she hyperactive in your opinion? Many times children that are ADHD can not control there reactions in this way, and tantrums is something that occurs, when they get angry, not able to control there anger in a proper manner!

It could simply be that she has just never learned to control her anger, and will need anger management classes,my oldest daughter went through this and I didn't believe we would ever get through it. To this day, she still has to practice not losing her temper, some children are just impulsive and never learn to control it, but she's young so you should be able to work through it!

I would also check with her, doctor and see what he/she says about the food allergies, but since you said it started happening from the time she was 6 months old, I don't think its likely, but it doesn't hurt to cover your bases. You could try also opening a question in the Health section and see if one of the doctor's in the pediatrics area has any information on this!

As always I'm here if you need more information, please let me know 1

If not, please click the green accept button so I get paid for my work!

And positive feedback is great for my rating's !   
danny541, Parenting Answer Team
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 909
Experience: Have 5 children !
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Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
This information was given by a person in Pediatrics, I thought might be of interest to you. I'm adding it, since I felt it might be important.

I don't know much about these different things just the adhd and that's a whole different cat. here, so if you are interested in finding out about these things, it would be good to open a question about them in Pediatrics.

There are all sorts of disorders that can affect moods in children like ADHD, asperger's syndrome, fetal alcohol syndrome, and there are more (many are easily treated). I am not trying to scare you, but you know this child more than anyone else. If you senses tell you that there may be deeper lying issues than "bad" behavior, then take her to your family physician to discuss her behaviors. They could perform some simple tests (which could include her teachers, babysitters, etc.) to determine if further investigation is needed.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you again, Danny. That was awfully nice of you to to pass along this added info. It does reinforce what I had been suppressing. I need to stop ignoring my senses, my gut feelings. I see something in her and I'd like to help while she is still young and before it becomes too much a part of her self/identity. She already has shown doubt when I recently commented recently that she is such a sweet and loving person. She said, "Really? No I'm not, I cry and get angry."

 

I appreciate your sincerity and I love this site. Enjoy your retirement.

Expert:  danny541 replied 5 years ago.
I feel the same about this site, in many ways it has saved my sanity.

Because I'm in a wheel chair, I didn't feel I would ever be useful again, but I'm working here everyday most day's when I'm not in water therapy.

You have impressive credentials yourself, and I feel very good to know that I was able to bring some small insight to her problem.Also she knows there is a problem and at 6 that's a great deal of insight at her young age.

Sounds like her mom has taught her well! Good luck!

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