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Walter
Walter, Consultant
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Mentoring Parents on Understanding and Accepting the Challenges of Parenthood.
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I am having serious issues with my 14 year old daughter.

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I am having serious issues with my 14 year old daughter. There are so many I do not know where to begin. In addition to some of the issues associated with ADHD children she displays a host of other negative behaviors. She shows signs of very low self-esteem, a need for attention by any means neccessary, bad attitude, difficulty in dealing with her peers (friends & family). She was a pretty good student and has now become slightly below average. She is attracted to less than becoming things such as street life and people with very street like behaviors. She was not raised to behave this way. I need help!! As a single parent I''ve tried everything I know of. I''ve tried punishments, keeping her away from things that over stimulate her as well as therapy. But I seem to get no reprive. Please I''m frightened for my child.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

What types of behavior is she displaying?

When or what triggers these actions?

When you say you have tried everything.....can you explain what you have tried and for how long?

Is her father in the home or a active part of her life?

If so how does his actions differ from yours and is there any difference in how she behaves for him then you?

What is her social life life, does she get out often? If so how often, and what does she do in her free time?

Any privileges such as cell phone, computer etc?

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Walter's Post: I'm a single mother however her father is in her life but he lives in another state and isn't consistently active in her life and she has personal issues with that. He does seem to have some what more success with her listening because she is terrified of him. However he also tends to be more laxed than I am. Our standards for behavior and educational expectations are very different. In the past, he has had some of the same challenges especially when it comes to her school behaviors (when she lived with him temporarily). Her behavior is very erratic and impulsive. She shows a lack of respect for authority figures both family and school personnel. She seems not to understand that there are consequences for her actions. Anything can trigger these behaviors from not getting her way to someone disagreeing with her opinion. I've tried punishments (no telephone, no friends over, taking away computer priviledges and tv time). She doesn't have a cell phone because she has proven to be irresponsible. She's on meds for ADHD, we've consulted with the school guidance counselor and she was also been in therapy for 9 months. She enjoys dancing, fashion and some sports (track/cheerleading). In her spare time she watched tv and uses the computer when allowed. Or she hangs out with a select few girlfriends, does the movie, mall etc. When she does get out she often behaves loud, wild and unruly especially when she's out of my sight. Help! Help! Help!
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Sounds like a typical teenager out to show that she is in charge........the good news is you are standing up and trying to make a change which shows her that you love her and will not tolerate her behavior.

Now for the hard part.......teenagers are not like little kids, with little ones you can do the time out or intimidate them some. Teenagers are less likely to fear you and time outs are just a chance to sleep lol.

The good news is there are some really great ideas you can use with her. I am all for unique punishments and reward systems with teenagers because often by the time they hit the teenage years the old tried and true punishments are no longer effective.

Teenagers are creatures of comfort......if life is not easy on them then they tend to change radically. The good news is this works in both directions. You as a parent are required to do a few basic things in life. Such as provide a safe home, food, medical attention, and schooling. You are not required to do much else.....everything else we do as parents is because we love out kids and want them to have comforts in life. The problem is if the child is acting out in such a way that is disrespectful of what you require her to do...........then maybe it is time to start stripping some of those comforts.

This will not be easy I can assure you but if you really want to get her back in line then now is the time before she gets older and more defiant.

Start off in her room......remove everything except a bed, linens and any necessities such as bath items. This means posters, radios, TVs, computers, makeup, etc. Remove it from where she can get it such as a family members home, or a storage center. (I would suggest doing this while she is at school to limit the drama). Make sure there is nothing at all fun in the room other then school books and her bed and clothes.

Next step is to remove all privileges, if she normally goes to the mall on the weekends she is forbidden to do so now.........Make up a chart that lists the days of the week and explain to her that she must have so many good days in a week in order to get one item back. That can be her freedom, or any one set item. If she has so many bad days then one item is removed.....your choice on item.

Now for the fun part...........let her know that should she regain all of her things you will begin with rewards such as the cell phone or maybe a item she has been wanting. Though these should be based on longer periods of good behavior such as a month or every six months.

I will tell you this........the first few weeks will be a living pain in the rear. She will be defiant and angry and may lash out. Do not back down..........if her behavior continues then it is time for punishments. Chores are a great outlet for teenagers. Any day her behavior is really bad she must do one hour of chores. If she already has chores that last a hour or less make sure this is on top of her regular chores.

Like I said this can take a while.........but with time she will start to miss her things and her freedom and will start a change. You must be consistent as she will try and break you......she may go as long as a few months but if you stand by this it will work.

Walter

Walter, Consultant
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring Parents on Understanding and Accepting the Challenges of Parenthood.
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Walter
Walter
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Mentoring Parents on Understanding and Accepting the Challenges of Parenthood.