Welcome to Just Answer !
Have you ever spoke to anyone about this ? Your doctor maybe, or a parent ?
You have really been through the wringer. It sounds like your husband was a real piece, but now for you.
You are looking at things in the past that you need to let go, you can't change it all now, but you can change what you are doing.
Try to have more quality time with him so you feel like you are giving more of yourself and making up for lost time.The quilt that you are feeling I'm sure its because of all the time you missed seeing him try to crawl, talk, eating his first solid food, and you are angry at a husband and his family because they pushed you into a situation you didn't want. If there is some way, you could even take some time off for a long vacation, just the two of you, its possible that you will start to feel like you are bonding closer to him.
The bonding of child with mother is a very important process, and I'm sure from having it cut so quickly, its causing you a lot of pain.
I 'd like to know what your thoughts are on this.
I'm sure as a qualified psychologist that you know the symptoms of PTSD, but just in case I'm sending this site to you.
Diagnosing yourself is never a good thing to try, you need to see a professional. It sounds like you do have many of the symptoms. It would be a good idea to be tested for this reason if nothing else. Your problem is a very complex one absolutely, we can try to help as much as anyone can, but the thing is to get you in for treatment. Talking to someone as you already know is the correct way to go about it. I hope that you will do this so you will find comfort, I'm glad you have a good relationship with your son, but to get rid of the feelings you do best to seek a professional !
I'd like to try an help if that's ok? I don't believe that it's impossible to find help online, it's just a matter of finding the right match, we all work differently with different people. May I ask you a few questions?
How long have you been divorced now?
What caused the divorce?
Have you been feeling this way since the birth of your son?
Is your son having any problems?
Are you working now? if so is your son in daycare?
First let me say thank you to you, for having the courage to continue and to respond to me.There is no guarantee online or offline that a person can be helped, but let me assure you that I have a handful of clients that I deal with here on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. They like it because they can post when they want, and they know I will be here to help as best I can. You can accept anytime, and we can talk as often as you like. Sometimes the answer cannot be answered at once, as I'm sure you know already. So I'm here, and you can respond as much or as little as you like.
After reading that additional info, I do have a couple more questions.
How old are you and how old were you when you got married?
Did he yell or be aggressive before you were married?
Did you know about his promise to his son's mother prior to him implementing it?
Did he threaten suicide just that one time or other times? How old is he?
Did he go back to school after quitting?
Your son sounds fantastic, it was a very smart move to teach him a second language. It's also very good that you don't talk bad about his dad, argue in front of him or within earshot, as I'm sure you know that can cause a lot of damage. Between the car accident and everything else, it's not surprising that you feel the way you feel. Were the accident and the seizure during your marriage or after you split? What caused the seizure? Are you on any medication now?
I know it's late, you can respond at your leisure.
I am going to read the last bit that you wrote and I will respond to you tomorrow if thats ok, it's almost 4am here and I would like to write with a clearer head. You did press the button for payment, I will contact admin and as them to contact you. No worries....as I said before, maybe we won't come up with a specific answer, but the hope is that we can come out of this with a better understanding and hopefully you can move on a little lighter and with a more clear head/heart. :)
Just wanted to let you know, that when admin. asked I told them to transfer it to Ms.Chase, I'm so pleased that she was able to help you ! She is a excellent expert in her field. And I really hope that you will be well with her help !
Good-Luck , Danny541
I apologize for the late response, I had a small family emergency today, but all is well.
It can be disconcerting to say the least when someone you care about does an 'about face'...in your case at a most inconveniently vulnerable time. I can tell that having this baby was something that you must have thought about for a very long time, and your expectations were very high, and set into how you wanted things to go. That's not to say that we get our way under all circumstances, but of course we have our ideals of what we think is best for our lives. The botXXXXX XXXXXne being, you did everything in your power to make sure that he understood where you were coming from....that he knew what your 'plan' was and that he agreed to it. He is the one who reneged on the plan, but there is really no way to know prior that he would. Even if you could have taken into consideration his first child's mothers reasons for making him leave, you couldn't have know that it would be the same with you. I say this because in some ways you sound like you blame yourself. While you may have made some decisions you regret now, you made the best decision you knew how to make at the time. If you ask me, you STILL are a woman not to be messed with. You are in town without family, you are raising your son AND a business and yet, here you are. I'm not so sure that your feelings are so much a part of ptsd (traumatic stress or anxiety is more likely I think), as they are exhaustion, fear, anger, and regret. Still, even with that, I see such a strong woman, fiercly protective of her son, in love with her son, creatively balancing a business and motherhood, and trying to work through her feelings and emotions while helping others work through theirs. Who listens to you? Who helps you work through your feelings?
Granted many years passed from the time he made his promise about his older son, and when the younger son was born. On one hand, you have to respect the fact that he was willing to keep his promise after all that time. Given everything you'd gone through, it wouldn't be considered an unusual request, but it's hard to know the level of his anticipation about this, and how directly it was related to his 'manhood' or simply his thoughts of what a father is, it was. Still, exceptional times can call for exceptional measure, but it does look like the only person he was concerned with is himself. Amongst everything that happened, even holding off for 6 months could have been considered an acceptable compromise.
I agree that quitting school was an empty gesture, if he in fact ever did quit. Either way, just the fact that he went back without thought, and manipulated the situation shows his total lack of concern for your feelings, thoughts and overall well-being. The suicide suggestions were certainly manipulative, and their appearance along suggests far deeper issues than you've even experienced with him. His gross selfishness and unwillingness to compromise, was just the beginning in my opinion, had you not put a stop to it when you did. I don't care what he or any of the family feels about what you did, you absolutely made the right decision, and the only reason he can't/won't see it is because he knows what he's missing, and the reason the family can't see it is an unwillingness to see him for what he really is, and only taking his side of the story into consideration. Do not let that affect or sway you.
My goodness I do not know what to say about the seizures and the accidents except I hope you know how very lucky you and your son are. I know that to look at all the physical pain, frustration and anguish you've gone through, it's hard to see a bright spot, but you two could have so easily been killed that day, it just wasn't time. Your son is here for a reason, he made it through the pregnancy and into this world, he made it through the car accident, and he will make it further than that. As will you. I think you are far stronger than you realize.
You seem to be having difficulty reconciling the love you still have for your ex husband, with the anger you have towards him for not living up to the expectations he so readily accepted. Is it possible to love someone and 'hate' them at the same time, absolutely. Love is not a light switch that can be turned off and on at a moments notice, even when we wish it was. It can at the least cause a lot of conflicting, confusing emotions as you know. Is it comforting to know that you made the best decision? That the best indicator or future behavior is past behavior, and that he would have likely continued to disappoint and break promises? Small comfort probably, but you're no longer thinking for one, you're thinking for two, so all bets are off. Know in your heart that you made the right decision, for you and for your son. I definitely welcome your thoughts, and would like to hear back from you.
I don't know if I will be able to give you an answer tonight, I have to cogitate on what you've written and then respond if that's ok with you. I do have two questions if you have a moment. What did he say when you asked him about the therapy? Why do you want him to go to this therapy with you?
As to me being here, I'm always here if you want to talk. It's not unusual for me to deal with my clients here for weeks, even months or longer, so don't ever think it's a bother to post to me. :)
I really apologize for that, for some reason I haven't been getting some of my return emails, and I did not see your second response. Please forgive my oversight. I am here now, and will work on my response to you now. How has the past week been? Have you been crying as much? Does it feel at all like its gotten better or do you feel like you're in the same place? How is Mori?
I understood what you meant when you said the feeling of not having done enough or missed something somewhere, believe it or not, it's a very common feeling amongst mothers. Mothers tend to have the feeling that they could have done it different or could have done more....so realize that this is a natural feeling that isn't necessarily even close to the truth. You worry about your instincts, but you actually instinctively know what to do and not to do with your son, you know that to show him how you feel could cause more damage than good, and that's very healthy.
I think that the crying, may wane in time. The other option would be to seek therapy, and possibly be put on medication to help stabilize your moods, but that's something that you would especially want if you are having thoughts you can't control, or feeling suicidal. If you find that you have the blues all the time, I still think you might at least want to speak to your doctor and see what they suggest.
I'm sorry to hear about the rape, its hard to know how much that affected so much of your life from that point, but I'm sure you know that the rapes and the feelings they bring with them do not magically disappear, and this is a pain that you may still be feeling at this point and that in some way may never really go away.
You said that you had the best dad ever, but he caused you an awful lot of pain with his distance and not keeping a relationship with you. I'm not sure what you meant when he said he couldn't hug you, did you mean that he was aroused by you? I will speak more on that when I hear back from you.
Hearing that you are exercising is good, and I do believe the crying may stop on it's own in time. When so many things go on around us, it's so easy to blame ourselves and berate ourselves....mental self mutilation if you will. However, hardly anything you've told me has been your fault, its been a mixture of fate and manipulation. I'm glad you have Mori, and I'm glad that he's healthy and vibrant and a part of your life. Doing what's best for him and being the best mom you can be will be the best medicine for you.
I welcome your thoughts and look forward to hearing back from you.
p.s. Where did you come up with the name Mori? Does it have specific meaning?