What people live with her (parents, siblings, etc)?
Can you give me an example or two of her behavior?
I'm going to try and make this as easy as possible for you, because it does seem like you are doing most of the right things, but that they may need a little tweaking.
Sit both girls down and say, ok, here's the new rules. Everyone has to behave from this point on, or these will be the consequences. I will tell you do something one time, if you don't do it, i will tell you a second time, after the third time telling there will be a time out and you don't get a star for the day (or lose a star they already gained). Ask them if they understand the rules, if they have any questions and then you can even shake hands on it.
Take a simple calender, each day that's a good day they get a star and at the end of the week, they get a prize. Take a shoe box, and fill it with dollar store items.
Punishment should consist of time out. If she will not stay in her room for the time out, then fine, take a chair, put it in a corner, or a hallway and her time out is sitting in the chair. If she gets out of the chair, pick her up and put her back in the chair, even if you have to do this 100 times. Even if she is kicking and screaming, you tell her she has to stay in the chair for her time out.
If she goes for more than two days completely not listening. Consider taking items she really likes, even if it means taking a ton of stuff out of her room. Let her know if she can't listen then she cannot have extra privileges.
Be sure to take out at least 15 minutes, twice a day, to sit down and talk to her about how she's feeling and how her day is going and if there's anything she wants to talk to you about.
Praise the good. Let her know when she has behaved well. Ask her sister to praise her when she does well. Praise her sister when she behaves well, especially in front of the 4 year old, but do not direct the comments to the 4 year old (look how good your sister is behaving) instead, just speak to the sister (thank you for behaving so well, or thank you for taking the plates to the trash, I really appreciate that) and don't even look at the four year old. She will desire to have that same praise.
Whatever you do, you have to stick to your guns, be persistent and be patient. She didn't get this way overnight and she will not change overnight. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.
a few other things....
I mentioned being consistant, this is mainly with threats and punishment. If you say your going to put her to bed then do it. If you say no ice cream, as much as it hurts do it. This also teaches you not to make threats that you are not willing to go through with (no christmas).
If she gets a 5 minute time out, stick to it. A child needs to know exactly what the consiquences are when she does something wrong. And also make sure she is really doning the punishment. If the punishment is to sit on the step or the chair for five minutes, but the whole 5 minutes she is yelling, standing up, kicking feet, it doesn't count. Get an egg timer. She has to sit until she actually sits for a whole 5 minutes straight. It might take bit, but eventually she will see that you're serious. Kids test you. And even if you get her to listen now doesn't mean she won't test you again later.
ALSO..... be careful how you phrase things. If you say can you pick up your toys it leads then to believe they have a choice whether they want to do it or not. Instead say, lets go clean your room, or time to go clean your room. Do not use passive phrases like will you go clean your room.
My apologies for the delay. I consulted with another of our experts and I'm going to have her give her opinion if that's ok with you? She should be with you shortly.
Chase asked me to come in and perhaps add some more to her answers. I understand your desire to keep your relationship with your daughter as positive as you can. I have a few suggestions for you, that are very positive and should help her develop the control you desire for her. What you'll be doing, as you had mentioned, is trying to make her part of the "team" so she'll want to cooperate. Here are my suggestions, you could try all or any one individually:
1. Ten minutes before it is time to get ready to leave, let your daughter know that you will be leaving in 10 minutes. This gives her warning and gives her a chance to finish up what she is doing. Give her another warning 5 minutes before it is time for her to get ready and remind her that she should finish up what she is doing.
2. When it is time to go, make it fun. You can either use a timer and encourage her to be faster getting ready than she was the prevous time, or do it as a race to see who can be ready to go the fastest.
3. Make sure the outings are fun for her too. Set some special toys aside for taking to her sister's outings, or have her pack a bag ahead of time of things she'd like to take to play with. That way she has something to look forward to when she is there.
4. When you see either of the girls doing well, make a big deal of it. If your youngest daughter is having trouble getting ready, instead of focusing your attention on her, praise your oldest daughter for being ready to go so quickly. When you do see your daughter making the effort, comment on how much you appreciate her getting ready quickly so that you can get her sister to ... on time (or whatever the task you've asked her to do is). This redirects the attention to the positive,encourages your oldest to continue doing well, and takes the "attention" reward out of not doing what has been asked.
5. Let her know about the issues, and ask her what you can do to help her be able to do what needs to be done. Be specific, and then try to do what she tells you she needs. At four, she might have trouble articulating what she needs, if she does, make suggestions, but first give her the opportunity to tell you. If it is something she can control, let her choose (ie I need you to make your bed before we leave, do you want to do it before or after breakfast).
I hope this helps. It sounds like you are off to a great start. The preschool years are not easy, and with a strong willed child they can be even harder. Hang in there, and if I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.
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