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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, #1 Just Answer Parenting Expert
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Just Answer Parenting Mentor, Emotional, Behavioral & Physical Issues. Babies to Teens.
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My young daughter has friends with no boundaries.

Customer Question

Can I help her or does she just need to learn some hard lessons on her own. Her father and I met the guy and thought he was okay. We have since heard things he has said to her, she thinks he says them to be funny, but they are totally inappropriate. For instance when she told him she was a virgin, he said "All the sweeter for me". I know we weren't there and don't know how it was said, but as a mother I want to know him silly. As I overreacting?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Tlc,

What did you mean when you said "I want to know him silly"?

How old is your daughter?

How old is the guy?

How did she meet him?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I don't know what "I want to know him silly" means. I think I changed what I was typing and something got left out. Sorry.
My daughter is 20. The guy is 26. She met him on a blind date through the twins that she works with.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I meant to say I want to "knock him silly", which doesn't make me sound much better.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm not sure my complete question got posted.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Tlc

I I understand what you meant now. :) and I don't blame you. However at 20, she has to learn how to deal with these types of people. There will always, always, be predators, and they will come after anyone from 5 to 55. The best thing you can do for your daughter is talk to her and perhaps give he your opinion on what you think is appropriate or inappropriate. Our kids and their friends may have a whole different theory on whats appropriate and what's not. When they are underage, we can run to their rescue, but when they become adults, we have to become more of a good listening ear, a fount for good advice, and a support system when they are unsure. The fact that she has brought this up likely means that she's using you as a sounding board, and your opinion weighs with her. Don't jump on this guy and really just talk dirt about him, because you have a girl you know that many times this only pushed them more towards that person. Questions like "how does that make you feel when he said that?" and "Well what did you say to him?" or " I would have said.....", are all good choices. I welcome your thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, #1 Just Answer Parenting Expert
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Just Answer Parenting Mentor, Emotional, Behavioral & Physical Issues. Babies to Teens.
Ms Chase and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
part of the problem that I don't think got through was that she has befriended these twin girls at work. They are both married and have no boundaries. They tell my daughter all the details of the sex life (which shocks even me and I'm no prude). This is my daughter first sex partner and they are giving her all sorts of advice. I have told her that a sexual relationship is private and between two people and you don't share those intimate details with others. I'm not really having a problem with the guy, but the influence these girls are having on her. For Christmas they bought her a feather tickler and body oils and tell her all the stuff she "must do" if she wants to keep him. They are alienating her from her sisters (2) and her other roommate and her parents. How do I deal with them?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Tlc,

Well, again you know that you can no longer pick and choose her friends. All you can do is balance out what they are telling her. We may not like it, but we are living in a "tell all" world. Reality shows abound, all manners of snapshots on myspace for the world to see, and blogs where we tell our entire lives to strangers. This is the world out children grew up in. So the idea of keeping your sex life private is a personal choice and might be considered by many to be an antiquated way of thinking. I personally am not free with my love life, but know more people who are than aren't. Remember when oral sex was just not something that was talked about? And no woman would ever admit that she did it? It's common language now, (giving someone a "Lewinsky") and is not the dark secret it once was.

My Native American grandmother used to tell us stories and she told one about a bow and arrow that related to parents raising children. She said that the hunter is the parent and the arrow is the child. The hunter could be the most skilled hunter in the woods, but when she/he shoots that arrow, there's nothing she/he can do but let it find it's mark. It could be windy, raining, snowing, etc, but if she/he is a skilled hunter the arrow won't fall far from the mark. You have to believe that the values you instilled in her thru out her childhood will stick with her. Sure she may stray sometimes, but most times she will always come close to the mark.

As I said earlier, you can bad mouth them, but she spends all day at work with them, and it will probably only make her take their side or feel bad that you are bad mouthing them. This is your time to give your opinion and drop it. Ask her, "what do you think you "must" do to keep a guy?", "What things do you think are most important to a man and in a relationship?", "What things are important to you in a relationship?", "Is there anything you wouldn't do to keep a man?".

Think about setting up a girls only night, once a week or every two week (once a month if time is tight for everyone). Use this as a time to catch up on whats going on in everyones life, as well as bring up topics of interest. If the dates are a hit, you can set up subjects ahead of time so that everyone has a chance to think about it (ie; anything from what it will mean to have a woman or a black president, to what constitutes a poisonous relationship, to how women in abusive relationships can help themselves, views on abortion, views on raising children, views on drugs, etc). Do what her friends are doing talk, and your talking can balance out some of the garbage she's getting from others.

I don't mean to make you feel hopeless, because you probably have more power than you realize, it's just theres a thin line between nudging them in the right direction and pushing them in the right direction, all a push does sometimes is get a push back. Think about how to say something without saying it, how to make her think without being parental, and know in your heart that most of the time, she will make the right decision.

Let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

 

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