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Walter
Walter, Consultant
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Mentoring Parents on Understanding and Accepting the Challenges of Parenthood.
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My son says he is gay, how do I deal with it

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Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.

Hi,

The first step to dealing with anything upsetting is taking a step back and giving yourself time to come to grips with the situation. Sometimes you have to look at it from all the angles before making any rash judgements.

Please answer these questions to yourself as a first step in understanding the situation and accepting your sons new life style.

Is this the same child you have raised, loved and supported his whole life?

Do you want him to be truly happy?

Do you want him to learn that love is unconditional and your love will always be there no matter how you feel about his choices?

OK, your son has made a choice be that as it may you may not like the choice but you know that deep down you love him regardless of the choices he made. This is still the little boy you tucked in at night and raised with love no matter what he has done. Look at it from a different point of view......he wants to find love and acceptance with his choices. He needs you to love him regardless of what lifestyle he lives and he needs you to accept him for who he is.

As I am sure you know you do not have to agree with his lifestyle or even like it, but if you want a relationship with your son you do have to respect his choices and give him the support he needs from you.

Coming to grips with all this may take some time and that is OK. But do yourself and your son a favor and do not try to talk him out of his lifestyle or interfere in such ways as intruding women to him, this is not only humiliating for your son but a slap in the face as well.

Explain to your son that you need time to deal with the situation and you respect his choices but he must also respect your feelings. If you are not ready to welcome his partners with open arms. Let him know that you would appreciate it if he would not introduce family unless the relationship is serious as to limit your contact with the situation. Let him know that in turn when he does find someone he wishes for the family to meet that you will be polite, kind and treat the partner with respect.

Just keep in mind this is your son and your love outweighs anything else. It is not our place to judge someone it is our place to respect then as a person and support them when they need that support. Keep in mind your son faces a whole nation that spits on homosexuality and shows hatred for no reason other then because they think something is different. Your son has enough hurdles to overcome without having to lose his family as well. Sadly to many young boys turn to suicide or drugs simply because they have no support system in place. Please do not allow your son to become another statistic based on your views. No matter in the end this is your son and he needs you.

I wish you the best, XXXXX XXXXX the end I am sure you and your son will find a peaceful existence if you both can work together to trust and love each other unconditionally.

Melissa

 

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Walter 's Post: Hello there, sorry for the late acceptance, but my computer was acting funny. I appreciate your answer and I would have supported my son anyway, it actually didn't come as a big surprise, when he told me about his feelings. He is 16 now and it is early days. What I am more concerned of, is whether I can tell my best friend or whether I should leave it to him to go public. People ask funny questions, about him having finally a girl-friend and so on...so would you just wait and see? Do I have to talk to him about the dangers involved, or should I leave that to him? He is a very bright, responsible young man and I think over the years, he compensated with studying hard and achieving academic success. Now, he says he wants to have a life and wants to feel being a part of a similar feeling group. He has my and my husbands full support, but what do you reckon has our behaviour to be? I would very much appreciate your opinion. We have four boys. Twins, the 16 year olds, one is 12 and a little one aged four. Thanks a lot...banane
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.

Hi,

No problem my computer is acting sluggish as well ;0)

W have four boys as well our twins are 7 though and we have a 9 year old and a 14 year old. Well it sounds as though your boy is mature enough to understand your position with your friends what I would suggest is to ask him. Explain to him the situation with your friends and ask him if he would mind if you let close friends know or if you should not mention anything.

If he says it is OK, make sure you keep it simple and sweet. In other words only close friends and family. If he would rather others not know, then when others ask about girlfriends. Simply say your son is more interested in school then relationships right now and when he finds that special someone you are sure he will let everyone know. (This way you are neither lying nor exposing your sons business)

As for the talk since he is young I would remind him of the increased risks of the lifestyle. Facts are facts, and he needs to understand that there are increased risks involved so he must be safe and responsible at all times.

It sounds as though you and your husband have things well under control as acceptance and understanding is the first step. I would recommend playing things by ear and allowing him to set the pace for how he handles others and family. Let him know you love him and support him and he will figure the rest out in time.

If you need anything please feel free to let me know, don't forget to click the accept button if you do not need anything ;0)

Melissa

Walter, Consultant
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring Parents on Understanding and Accepting the Challenges of Parenthood.
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