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Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience:  Mother of 9 children, grandmother of 4, 14 years happily married
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Adult Son in Big Trouble

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I need some advice. My son is 29 years old and has moved back home. He has not completed his college degree after attending school for over 5 yrs. He is in debt to school loans, creditors, back rent etc.... A financial nightmare. He was also convicted of a DUI just recently also. He will work for a while and quit. He stays up all night, sleeps all day. Does not keep his room nor vehichle clean. His personal grooming is of concern. This is just a partial list of my concers. I suspect depression, ADD and I feel he is using marijuana regularly. When I even try to talk to him he becomes very defensive and accuses me "of always thinking the worst." I am deeply concerned !! Where can I get this young man some help since he has no health insurance or a job at this time. His drivers license is now restricted. This has a big effect on his getting a job !!! I am at my witts-end !!!. Please help !!! Thank you !!! Concerned Mother


From a legal standpoint, he may get you into trouble since you feel he is using marijuana. Should he be in possession and it is found in your home by authorities, you can be arrested as well.

I would suggest you contact a rehabilitation center, county hospitals/facilities to get him into a program to help with his depression/addiction.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all disappear - but, unfortunately, your son needs professional attention as soon as possible. Getting him out of your house is what is needed. If you contact county facilities (wherein care and treatment is free), they may have a place to house him immediately- otherwise, you will need to put his name on a waiting list.

If you would like assistance in finding such facility(ies), please let me know.

My very best to you - and, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. I pray that he heals soon.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

TheMysticWave, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 427
Experience: Single parent, with profession, raises model son with ease & pleasure. I offer sound advice.
TheMysticWave and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

Dear Evelyn,

Unfortunately my dear, I don't really know that there is going to be a whole lot that you are going to be able to do about this. Since he is an adult, you would have to have him committed against his will into a treatment program - unless you can talk him into it, and if he is forced into it, then it will not work for him anyway. And with the way he is acting at the moment...I would say that might be a feat. I know that you love your son with all your heart, and that this is killing you, but my dear...sometimes "tough love" is the best thing that can happen. He is using you as his "safe place" because he "Knows" how much you love him and do not want him going through unnecessary hardship. But the fact is...He knows he don't have to work because mom will feed him, mom will put a roof over his head, and help him with anything he might need in the future. He is not trying because he doesn't have to. In a way, he is taking advantage of your love and kindness to get what he wants...just as a little child would. I understand that he probably has a bunch of problems going on at the moment, and that maybe he does need a "little" time to work things out...but after awhile, its time to "get over it" and go on with his life. And if you're not careful...this stage, will run right into taking advantage of mom and dad because he wants to feel like a carefree "teen" again, and let Ole mom take care of things for him. Now, when you are talking about the drugs, that is a different story. He is putting you, your husband, and your home and belongings at risk doing this. I know that you do not want to be awaken at 3am with your door being busted open by the police searching your home for illegal narcotics...and possibly even having your home seized because of it. That is showing no respect for you, Now he is putting you into danger. This is why he is so defensive when he can tell, that you can "see" what he obviously thinks he is hiding from you. There is no telling what type of people he is hanging out with now, and you have to wonder if you leave your home for any length of time if even "IT" will be safe. He is just not in the right state of mind at the moment, and I know that he is your son, and you love him...but he is not showing much love for you putting you through this. My opinion is...tough love. Tell him in no uncertain terms...even though it will be either have a job, and get himself cleaned up within a week, or find another place to stay! (make sure he is sober when you do this though), as some people tend to get violent while under the influence. If he has to walk to work...or find a ride, then so be it...this is a situation of his own doing, and through this, hopefully he will learn a lesson. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can find their way back up, and your "tough love" may just be what it takes. Believe me, no matter what he says now, he will thank you for it later.

Good Luck to you and your family, you are in my prayers!

Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience: Mother of 9 children, grandmother of 4, 14 years happily married
Vickie and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Vickie's Post: Dear Vickie,
Sometimes we just have to see it in black and white before it hits home !!! Yes, it is killing me and I do have a very hard time with confrontation, especiaaly with my son. "Tough love" is hard to do but I agree that this is necessary. Please pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do !!
Many Thanks,

Dear Evelyn,

A couple of questions I have for you, and wondered if you would want to let us know here.

Do you have a husband or significant "other" that is in your home to help you, in case your son does become violent? Or do you have relatives or friends that you can call upon for help in dealing with your son?

In my home we once had to deal with a similar situation with my husband's son, but this was many years ago. We had to call in a friend to stand by, when my husband told his son, who also, was in his 20's, to leave our home. I will never forget watching my stepson, standing there, clenching his fists when my husband told him this, but fortunately, we had the male friend, who was quite strong, to back up my husband. Our friend drove the young man to the bus station, and he (the son) moved back to the original state he was from. Haven't heard from him since, but just as well.

It hurts my husband very much, but to have let him stay here with our family at the time, would have affected my son and daughter, and my husband and myself.

Not to frighten you, but there are too many cases nowadays, that the children, natural or otherwise, become violent and can possibly inflict physical and bodily harm to the parent. I know of a case in PA where a boy killed his mother, just to rob her and his father (father was at work), and the plan backfired, he panicked and stabbed her to death.

If you feel in any way that your son could become violent, and you are able to get him to move out, then I also, would change your locks, if he has a key. This sounds awful, but you must protect your own life, and the lives of others in the home.

God bless you and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Dear Evelyn,

Thank you so much for the accept. I want you to know that my heart and prayers are with you and your son. I know that things will work out just fine, and like I said...He may even think that he hates you for this, but I am here to tell you that he doesn't, and won't. In his heart, he knows how much you love him, and subconsciously that is more than likely why he came to you silently for help. He knows that mom would have never allowed this behavior in him before. And in his heart, he knows you're not going to let him get away with this self destruction now. You did not give birth to him, for him to just destroy himself and everything you, him, and your whole family have stood for all your lives, and I believe that subconsciously he knows this...and has come to you, to help him get back on track again. You know his self esteem is low at the moment, and after all...he is a man, so the ego thing is not going to let him come right out and say what exactly is going on to put him in this state. He probably is even having feelings of worthlessness and "is", in somewhat of a stage of depression for what ever reason...and you may never know...but he knows that mom is his rock, and won't let him slip away. So dig deep my dear, hold on to the morals and beliefs that you raised him with, and offer to always be there for him, but set your boundary's - and do not go back on what you say. You have to think of him at the moment as a little boy that has run back to momma for help, and believe that you know you are right. You can get him back again, and he "may" have to have a few rough times to bring things into perspective again, but your raising will prevail, and he will come home a new man because of it. Stand firm mom, God will lead you down the right path, and give you the knowledge and strength you need to show him the way home again.

I wish you and your son the very best, XXXXX XXXXX are in my prayers.

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